Wednesday One-Liners Are Already Spending Their Rebate Checks

Father to son: You see, women do the shopping, so you gotta go to a good store to find a good woman.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Trainspotter

Young boy to guy accompanying him: There are things that Americans can do better. We can burp a lot louder than Chileans. And we can spend a lot more money while shopping.

—Tom Crean: Antarctic Explorer performance, Irish Repertory Theatre

Overheard by: Michael Baker

Dude to friend: … So every time he signs for a purchase on a credit card, he signs it ‘Not valid’ and Best Buy was the only store that ever caught it!

–Burns St, Forest Hills

Woman seeing old friend, and pointing to man beside her: Yeah, this is my new husband. He buys me Neiman Marcus. My old husband bought me Stein Mart.

–C train

Overheard by: Sarah F.

Valley girl tourist to street sweeper: Excuse me, where’s the mall?

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: Really!

Posted on March 19, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Business and Commerce, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Dads, Default, Etiquette, Farting & Burping, Foreigners, Girls, Guys, Idiots, Marriage, Money & Class, On the Subway, Penn Station, Queens, Questions, Shopping, Southerners, Teens, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Women

Why Wouldn’t It?

Tourist: Excuse me, does the F train stop here?
Employee: Are you kidding me?

–Subway restaurant, Houston & Lafayette

Posted on March 10, 2008
Comebacks, Coworkers, Default, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Tourists

We Took the Trail to Get Here

College girl #1: Which way to the Eiffel Tower?
Suit, puzzled, pointing East: That way?
College girl #2: How far is it?
Suit: … About three thousand miles.
College girl #1: No! No! [Makes peak with fingertips of both hands.] The… Eiffel… Tower!
Suit: Yeah, that way about three thousand miles — across the Atlantic Ocean — in Paris.
College girl #2, also making peak with hands: No! No! It’s a… It’s a… The Empire State Building!
Suit, pointing at looming Empire State Building: The Empire State Building is right there.
College girl #2: You have to excuse us — we’re from Oregon.

–45th & 5th

Posted on March 8, 2008
Default, Directions, Girls, Global Geography, Idiots, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Students, Stupidity, Suits, Tourists

But First Can We Talk about How There Are No Batteries in This Park?

Tourist #1: This artist is just making crap up. He’s painting shit that isn’t even there.
Tourist #2: What?
Tourist #1: See that skyline he’s working on? He’s painted in two skyscrapers that aren’t even there!
Tourist #2: Fuck, he heard you — run!

–Battery Park

Overheard by: kiwibloke

Posted on March 6, 2008
Battery Park, Default, Gripes, Stupidity, Tourists, Violence, Visual Art

Outside, They Stepped in Flaming Bum Dung

Tourist woman #1, staring up at glass elevators in atrium: Oh my god, look at that!
Tourist woman #2, gasping: Oh my god!
Tourist woman #3: Wow! Will you look at that!
Tourist woman #2: They got those lights on ’em! It’s like The Matrix or something!
Tourist woman #1: Where’s Martha*?
Tourist woman #2: I think she’s over looking out the window.
Tourist woman #1: Okay… I guess we should go get her. [All stare silently for a moment.]Tourist woman #3, reluctantly tearing her eyes away: Come on.
Tourist woman #1: Yeah, okay. Wow.
Tourist woman #2: Yeah.

–8th floor lounge, Marriott Marquis, Times Square

Overheard by: Rose Fox