Union Square and East Village

Reader Poll: Should Jack Be Worried?

20-ish girl: Jack is going to Vegas for a bachelor party Friday. Should I be worried? What really happens at those things, anyway?
30-ish guy: It depends. The last one I went to was pretty low-key, but I’ve been to plenty of crazy bachelor weekends with strippers and a double-ended dildo.
20-ish girl: That’s it?! I’ve been to tons of parties with strippers and dildos. That’s not that crazy.
30-ish guy: When’s Jack back?
20-ish girl: Sunday.
30-ish guy: I think I might have a party Saturday.

–Union Square

Crazy Hobo Says What We're All Thinking

Street preacher: You need the blood! The blood of Jesus!
Crazy hobo: You need a good butt fucking! Right in the mouth!

–Union Square

Thanks, Wise Stranger!

Man #1: I don't know, I just don't really like public showers.
Man #2: Who does?
Lady: Faggots.

–Graffiti, 10th St

T.G.I. Friday's: Explained

Girl #1: I just want to get laid!
Girl #2: Well, based on his texts, that's obviously not going to happen.
Girl #1, sighing: You're right…let's just get greasy drunk food.

–14th St & 2nd Ave

Sorry, the Evil Priest Positions Have Been Filled

Woman #1: I’ve been thinking lately that I want to be a gynecologist.
Woman #2: That’d be so cute! You could deliver babies and everything!
Woman #1: Oh. Well. Actually, I don’t really like children. I mean, I’d be willing to kill them, but I wouldn’t really want to deliver them…

–Nevada Smith’s, 3rd Avenue

Free Enterprise Fund Poster Hobo

Suit on cell: If he doesn’t get me the fucking money, I’ll kill that bitch!
Hobo: How about you give me some money, and I’ll kill that bitch?

–St. Mark’s

This is More of a Bodega Conversation

Italian lady: I think soemtimes I even like coming grocery shopping more for the music they play than the food selection they have.
Spanish guy: Eh, they never have any reggaeton.
Italian lady: Oh, are you sure it’s not in the pasta section?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Oh Deer

Girl #1: A fawn is an animal? I was just guessing.
Girl #2: Yeah, it's a small deer, like Bambi.
Girl #1: Bambi was a fawn?! I thought he was a cantaloupe!
Girl #2: You mean an “antelope”!

–Union Square Food Emporium

Last Time, She Got Him Up to a Cadillac and Diamond Earrings

New York Post woman at Union Square station: Free pooooost!
Bag vendor, after minutes of repetition: Lady, our heads are going to explode!
Woman: Free Pooooost!
Bag vendor: All vendors, help me let her know!
Woman: Free Pooooost!
Bag vendor: Lady, I'll buy you lunch!
Woman: Free Pooooost!
Bag vendor: I'll give you cash!
Woman: Free pooooost!
Bag vendor: Come work for me, “free totes!”
Woman: Free pooooost!

–Union Square Holiday Market

Take This Package Nowhere in Particular. Immediately!

Bike messenger: Well, the problem with being a bike messenger is that you have to make stops, ’cause if you don’t make stops you don’t make any money.
Newbie: Yeah.
Bike messenger: But if I find a gig where I don’t have to stop and I still made money, man, I’ll have it made.

–5th St & Ave A

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