Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Parapraxic Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: I had to swallow… The whole thing!

–9th Ave & 44th St

Big guy: Did I tell you? The other weekend I caught Jack’s sausage!

–Duane Reed, Jackson Heights
Queens

Overheard by: Mrs. LeClair

Girl, on firefighters packing equipment: Man, there’s a lot of hose out there!

–Hanover Square

Customer: If I’m going to pay 20 dollars for a piece of meat, the least they can do is give me something to wipe my face with.

–45th & Madison

Overheard by: madnyc

One mother to another, both pushing strollers: He just won’t suck on anything else!

–5th Ave between 8th & 9th St
Park Slope

Overheard by: Wankrupt

Dad instructing child: You kind of have to use your tongue to lap it up into your mouth.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: vm

Twelve-year-old girl on phone: There’s really a lake called Titty CaCa!

–8th Ave &16th St

Wednesday One-Liners: The Center of the Universe

Drunk man: You know, garbage trucks are the diamonds of New York. Just… nobody knows they are in the rough.

–Bar, 1st & Houston

Overheard by: Csmith

Drunk, barefoot girl: The streets of New York aren’t that dirty… Right…?

–68th & 2nd

Mom to little kid in middle of sidewalk: Honey, please stand aside. These people are in a hurry — they’re New Yorkers.

–68th & Broadway

Angry woman on cell: New York is just as relaxing as Italy!

–81st & 3rd

Wannabe hipster chick: New York is so overwhelming. Let’s just live off our parents’ money forever!

–Sweet Paradise, Canal & Orchard

Overheard by: zp

Wednesday One-Liners Are Rumored to Be Involved with Jennifer Aniston

Woman: I’m a real Star Trek fan. I particularly like this one guy, a Shakespearean actor — Patrick, uh, Patrick Swayze?

–B train

Loud guy on bike: Will gone up and left! Will Smith! Where’d you go, Will?!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Abram

Suit on cell: I mean, it was maybe the only time I ever wanted to give Mark Wahlberg a blowjob.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Rainey

Blonde on cell, walking dog, and wearing faux fur sweater: Yeah, Animal Fair… Like Vanity Fair, but with animals… It’s coming out soon… It’s going to be intimate — Sharon Stone and Emelio Estevez are going to be there!

–55th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: francesca

Passerby: Martin Short? Is he still in that?

–Across street from Martin Short&#58 Fame Becomes Me

Overheard by: Jeff of [tos]

Chick drops cocktail glass, breaking it.

Queer: If you didn’t look like Winona Ryder, I’d smack you.

–Ceilo nightclub

Looks Like a Job for the Wednesday One-Liner Whisperer

Urban Tarzan: I grew up in a house of monkeys. My mother was a monkey, my father was a monkey, my brother was a pig.

–Main St, Roosevelt Island

Overheard by: king volcano

Customer on cell: Well, the kids finally found Grandma’s python.

–Dollar Store, Fulton St

Overheard by: fiat lux

Genius: I really can’t stand cats. They’re just furry rats.

–Washington Square Park

Woman: I feel so guilty when the cat catches me masturbating.

–B&J Fabrics, 7th Ave

Overheard by: Shamrock

Young man on cell: Wait. Are you talking about what’s normal for penguins or what’s normal for four-year-olds?

–Elevator, Bellevue Hospital

Overheard by: patient

White teen: Turkeys are mad strong, you know that?

–Bleecker between Lafayette & Broadway

Overheard by: Jon A.

Middle-aged woman on cell: I have to get home to cook spaghetti for my cat.

–3rd Ave, between 53rd & 54th

Wednesday One-liners Read in Union Square

Stoner: We’re on the verge of a spiritual revolution. It’s like Fight Club…but without the violence.

–Union Square

Overheard by: braun bowery

Guy: The fact that bar was full of ugly girls is just ridiculous.

–Union Square

Crazy lady: Fine, stay where you are, Linda! Stay on the streets, stay in the gutter…but put all your stuff away!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jen

Woman: If I die of malaria, you can have my DVD player.

–Union Square

Lady on cell: …so what’s the difference between the East Village and the West Village?

–Union Square

Overheard by: feitclub

Guy on cell: I didn’t throw the lamp at you because I was out of control, I threw the lamp at you because you said I was out of control.

–Union Square

Overheard by: John

Guy: Dude! At least you’re getting head. Bad head is better than no head, any day of the week!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Joy Smoker

A Carton of Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: I’m getting on the train now, so I’ll be there soon. Just wait for me on the corner and smoke something.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Devon

Smoker chick: I lose lighters like I lose men.

–Central Park

Overheard by: RENThead

Nerd: I don’t even like smoking. I just like feeling like an arrogant jerk.

–LIRR to Penn Station

Overheard by: Heather Baharestani

Man to friends: I mean, I don’t know about him. He doesn’t play sports, he doesn’t drink, smoke or do drugs… What kind of a life is that?

–Manhattan-bound M train

Overheard by: amazed

Hipster: The Statue of Liberty would be so much cooler if she had a cigarette.

–D train

Overheard by: dianora

Wednesday One-liners Know Their ABCs

Guy on cell being way too loud at 1AM: Yo! I’m on Avenue M as in motherfucker!

–Avenue M & E 17 St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Daniil Sosonkin

Announcer: For service to 81st Street, take the downtown B as in bubble or D as in Ducktales.

–86th Street B/C station

Overheard by: frocky

Wednesday One-liners, the Play

British guy: Two tickets to Grand Central, please.

–Bowling Green station

Overheard by: Kirsten Teasdale

Woman on cell: I’m not going to punch her in the mouth, Danny.

–Grand Central station

Suit: You’re ruining my life, you pot-smoking whore!

–34th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Refer to 110th Street As ‘Downtown’

Exchange student: I was just telling him how to use a Post-it.

–Columbia

20-ish male: Actually, global warming is only going to benefit New York City.

–Columbia

Overheard by: martina m.

Chick: I am not eating somewhere with a misplaced apostrophe in its menu.

–Columbia

Overheard by: Ladle

Young Columbia student: Yeah, so all of a sudden I was walking home drunk, in a diaper, with a huge scar.

–1 train

Columbia grad student: … And if you ask him he’ll say, ‘I’m making money for the school! I’m making money for the school! I do drugs! I do drugs!’

–1 train

Student to another: As for the article, I don’t care about the truth of my argument. I care about people knowing how big my penis is.

–Columbia

Conductor: This is 116th Street, Columbia University. Good luck paying your tuition.

–116th St

Overheard by: Sam

Can You Use Wednesday One-Liners in a Sentence?

20-ish woman: Why do they call it waiting on line instead of waiting in line? Is that like a New York thing? Is that like calling it smoking up instead of smoking out?

–58th & Park

Overheard by: marisa

Guy: Well, I think absent-minded means more like… Uh… Like…

–Broadway & Waverly

Future lawyer chick: Wait… So that’s the rebuttal? Rebuttal? Is that a word? Or is the word ‘counterargument’? Or am I just making up words?

–LSAT class, Cooper Square

Four-year-old girl to little boy who spoke in Spanish: I don’t speak your English!

–Claremont Park, Bronx

Overheard by: ClaRity

JAP to boyfriend: I don’t want anything that I can’t, like, pronounce right now.

–St Mark’s falafel district

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