Wednesday One-Liners Vary

‘What’s That, Lassie? Wednesday One-Liners Have Fallen Into the Old Well?’

Woman, to her panting dog: It is so not hot out. Stop faking it.

–Lafayette St, Fort Greene, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Katherine B

Woman, to her dog: Look, honey, a fire truck. Yes, dear, seeee? It’s a fire truck.

–Clinton & Schermerhorn, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: The Rat

Businesswoman, to two kids sitting in front of her: I have a very tiny dog that I can fit in my bag. Isn’t that silly? She’s at home sleeping right now. She gets to sleep and I have to go to work. Isn’t that silly?…I’ll tell her you said, “Hi.”

–4 train

Overheard by: Hogan

Woman, to her dog: Come on now, mister, one of us is going to pee or poo, and I have a feeling it’s not going to be me.

–Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Bradley Price

Girl, to her sitting dog: Can I get you anything? TV? Cold soda? Foot rub?

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: walking by

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Gateway Drug

One mom to another, amidst a gaggle of small children: Tyson’s mommy has the best pot.

–Hudson & Charles

Overheard by: Matt and Mat and Jeffrey

Ghetto woman with two young children: I need a joint.

–103rd St & CPW subway station

Overheard by: danzaboi

Chick: Girl, I cannot stand living with my mom. She has this need to always be in my business. I come home from shopping, she wants to know what I bought. I mean, the other night, she was trying to tell me how to roll my weed! She was like, “You’re not doing it right.” Ugh! I’m like, “Mom, you just started doing this. Shut up, okay?”

–1 train

Overheard by: Lauren

Drunk guy: You can’t use pot! Aren’t you on an Atkins diet or somethin’?

–F train

Overheard by: braincurve

Future politician: My friend smokes weed, but he doesn’t do drugs.

–14th & Ave B

Yuppie woman: Whatever, it was just the smoking-pot equivalent of a cult.

–8th Ave, Park Slope

Hippie: Before you partake, you got to thank God for your marijuana.

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Glance Backer

Wednesday One-Liners Thought Douching With Vinegar Would Help

Biker lady: You think I have syphilis? Hah!

–Hudson River running path, 38th St

Overheard by: lukejoy

Girl on cell: I know! She was, like, so defensive about it! Like, “So he impregnated me; at least I didn’t get herpes.” I was like, “Honey, is that really a fair trade?”

–A train

Overheard by: claire

Ghetto teen: You know, like 90 percent of all people have herpes. That’s like 1 in every 3 people.

–Suffolk & Rivington

Girl: I know, when I first got chlamydia, I didn’t know who to turn to. Luckily I got it from my doctor.

–45th & 5th

Overheard by: Jerringo Nationpess

Old lady, during a Clerks II scene dealing with “ass to mouth,” to old man: That’s how you get E. coli!

–Movie theater, 86th & 3rd

Overheard by: katey

Queer on cell: I’m not saying he’s a nasty faggot. I’m just saying he has HIV.

–5th Ave between 4th and 5th, Park Slope

Overheard by: Gus

Guy on cell: So I went to Amsterdam and got a handjob from a hooker, and I thought I had HIV for, like, two years…Yeah, I’m a pretty weird guy.

–Whole Foods, Chelsea

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Left Behind

Girl: This has sterile in it. I can’t buy this; I’m allergic to sterile.

–Duane Reade, 17th & 3rd

Overheard by: mk

American woman, to Arab cashier: What, you didn’t understand what I said? Man, you illiterate.

–Classon Ave, Brooklyn

Chick: I mean, I wasn’t really mentally thinking about it.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Frat boy: Why do they call it “Steak Shack” when it doesn’t sell steaks?

–Shake Shack, Madison Sq Park

Drunk teen girl, raising her beer: Here’s to independence…and the only country that’s got it!

–Waterside Plaza

Overheard by: David Slone

Teen girl: Rebecca wanted to get brown. But brown is such a black color…Well, not that it’s black. But you know.

–D train

Overheard by: Rachel

Young guy to his girlfriend: Shut your fuckin’ mouth when you’re talking to me!

–Outside of K-mart, Astor Place

Overheard by: snap snap

Wednesday One-Liners Get Asinine

Thug: Yo, money don’t grow on trees and come out your ass.

–82nd St, Jackson Heights, Queens

Overheard by: Jobee

Old woman on cell: I came to New York to see you. Now get your fucking ass down here right now!

–52nd & Lex

Overheard by: Laughing Seattlite

Junior high kid: Well you try shoving a tampon up a dog’s ass.

–L train

Girl: It’s so hot in here I feel like I’m swimming through the swamp that is someone’s ass.

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: TommyBP

Suit on cell: I will not be disrespected like this. I ain’t gonna be disrespected! I’m a grown ass man, damnit!

–Tribeca

Guy, after being yelled at by the driver who has rammed his car: Look, just calm down. Let me explain something: you’re an asshole, all right?

–2nd St & 7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: johnnymac

Thug on cell: He get his ass whupped one time, he won’t testify. Plus, he all short, like 5’9″ or 5’10”, and carry all that weight. I whup his ass, we won’t have no more problems.

–DMV, Atlantic Center, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Complicated Genealogy

Man on crowded train: If my mother were here, I’d sit on her lap.

–Downtown A train

Overheard by: not his mother

Amateur anthropologist: It’s not incest unless it’s, like, your brother.

–E 72nd

Mom, to teenage son: Darling, sweetie, love of my life, I’ve accepted that you’re gay, haven’t I? And there’s a lot more that I’m willing to accept. But if there is one thing I’m not ok with, it’s flat-ironing my son’s hair. Ask your sister.

–Uptown 6 train

Woman on cell: You did what?…Why the fuck would you do that?…Yeah, I know he’s your cousin, but you didn’t have to tell him that I slept with his brother. I was going to tell him…When?…After we got married!!

–13th & University

Girl, digging through purse: Shit, I think my cousin robbed me.

–Urban Outfitters, Bleecker & Broadway

Overheard by: intern

Screaming woman: I’m not in your house; I’m in the middle of the street! Stop making fun of my grandmother!

–W 139th St, 2 a.m.

Overheard by: Isha

Girl on cell: I don’t look at him like a father; I look at him like the man who gave birth to me.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Cat

Wednesday One-Liners Are Working in the Olfactory

Loud girl, about some smelly hipsters: Damn, them muthafuckas is stank. The power of Christ compel that shit.

–M96 bus

Overheard by: Tommy

Guy near street vendor: Dude, that smell. It always smells like mouse or something.

–51st & Broadway

Overheard by: Atlanta girl

Thug teen, to friend who has just farted: Damn, nigga! Yo’ shit smells like hot dog water!

–L train

Overheard by: lauren cawdrey

Shrewd observer: She just looks like she would smell bad.

–Astoria Blvd, Queens

Ghetto woman on cell: Girl, I knew she would smell like fish the second I saw her!

–23rd & 1st

Can You Hear Wednesday One-Liners Now?

Metro-North conductor: If you have been on your cell phone more than 5 minutes, you are not only annoying all of the passengers around you, but have also probably started to annoy the person on the other end of the call, so hang up.

–Metro-North, Marble Hill

Guy on cell: I’m only calling because I have to walk ten blocks, and I can’t stand to be alone with my own thoughts.

–60th & Lex

Overheard by: tabubob

Queer: I could never respect someone with that ring tone!

–Duane Reade, 8th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Are in the Kinsey Report

Stranger, to young business woman: Can I spank you?

–42nd St & 5th Ave

Gay co-worker, to female employee: Put your hands on the desk and assume the position.

–Office, midtown

Overheard by: Ariella Pink

Girl: If I have to, I’ll pull down my pants and spank myself.

–Cilantro, 89th & 2nd

Overheard by: Jules

Woman on cell: I mean, he’s my kid, and everyone is curious, and if he’s going to experiment let him. But I told this guy, “You cannot be the experiment with my son!”…I know, he thinks he’s going to grow up to be a rapist!

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Queer: Then we went underneath the staircase and fooled around. And then he grabbed my head, pulled it down, and licked my bald spot!

–El Cocotero, 18th St between 7th and 8th

Tween girl: Aww, no, he did not just pee on me!

–54th & 11th

Overheard by: office peon

Man on cell: Natalie? Nat, if you’re there, pick up! Oh my God, I just hooked up with a guy whose house smelled like cat pee, and he wanted me to spit in his face! Where the fuck are you?

–52nd & 2nd

Queer: What? I’m not the one who had sex with the chicken cutlet.

–83rd & Madison

Twink on cell: We met on the train…No, he’s a bottom…I don’t think I can have this conversation here right now. You’re making me feel awkward.

–Rite Aid, 22nd & 9th

British girl on cell: Hmm, there’s no answer. She must be whipping now.

–47th & 9th

Overheard by: Anthony

Pregnant girl: I like it when he hits me. You know, I hit him just so he could hit me back. I like it rough.

–Downtown A train

Chick on cell: She just told me a story about someone waking up with a dildo in her mouth. You need to meet this girl!

–125th & Broadway

Overheard by: McF

Customer to waitress: And then you have bestiality with a man and a sheep, and the sheep is the clear victim…

–Santa Fe Steakhouse, 70th Road, Forest Hills

Overheard by: Dining out

Brunette: What would make you think that I would like getting hit in the face with your cock?

–St. John’s & 7th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Cowboy

Wednesday One-Liners Need GPS Badly

Older man, screaming at Middle Eastern booth operator: You playa hata! You uptight and ignorant! This is bullshit! Go back to Leban!

–59th St subway station

Overheard by: Marissa

Frat boy: You need to go south of the Mason Dickinson line. That’s where you find the really hot girls.

–14th & 2nd

Thug: I don’t understand the Middle East shit. How can you be in the east and still be in the middle?!

–F train

Overheard by: Braincurve

Lady: I heard it was going to be a big thunderstorm out on Long Island. You know, just the Hamptons, Montauk and Connecticut.

–NYSC, Cobble Hill

Southern woman: Yeah, come meet us! We’re on Long Island!

–Battery Park

Overheard by: Caty

Mexican girl: Most European countries make you join the army at 18. Colombia, Peru…

–28th & Park

Overhead by: Lindsay

Teen tourist: If I was in America, I would send this back.

–Thai restaurant, 34th St & 30th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Jamie M

Bus driver: I gotta get out of this country. It’s too damn hot. I’m going to Alaska.

–M4 bus

Overheard by: Gwenn

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