Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday Fuckin’ One-Liners, Dude

Guy on cell: Yo, did you get me my plane ticket? I need to fuck this guy up and get the hell out of here.

–MacDougal St

Overheard by: Lauren

Metro NY guy: Take the fuckin’ paper!

–42nd & Vanderbilt

Overheard by: didn’t take the fuckin’ paper

Hipster boyfriend to hipster girlfriend: You can go fuck, fuck, fuck yourself, and I don’t fucking care, you fuck.

–Bleecker & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Patty K.

Guy on cell: Fucking? Are you Fucking?…Beating off?…What’s that sound?…I don’t know; I’m out of guesses!

–14th & 5th

Overheard by: Thompson

Construction worker, building a new school: So we fucked it up. It’s Friday anyway. I don’t have to look at it no more.

–35th St & 35th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Jillian B.

Suit: And now she wants to be involved in my strategic planning initiative? Fuck her!

–Rockefeller Plaza

Overheard by: Brendan Rogak

Little girl, receiving a stuffed frog from her parents: Fucking frog!!

–122nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: frog-waiting-to-be-kissed

Wednesday One-Liners Are Into Water Sports

Tourist guy: Every step is a new adventure! [step] Diesel! [step] Vomit! [step] Urine!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Carrie

Hipster: If you drink someone’s pee ever again, I won’t talk to you.

–45th & Lex

Drunk chick: I demand a urine scent!

–Macdougal Ale House, Macdougal St

Dude: I’m serious, guys, use the bathrooms. No more peeing in bottles!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: eviltwin

Woman on cell: Look, I’m sorry I had to use that kind of language on you, but, yo, how you gonna just whip out your penis and start pissin’ on the train with everyone watchin’?

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Juan Chung

Mid-20’s woman: Girl, I had to pee so bad but I figured I’d wait for that nigga to cum, and all of a sudden shit came leaking down my leg and he said, “Damn, girl, you have to get that shit fixed.”

–6 train, 51st St

Overheard by: Jason Labutka

Wednesday One-Liners Are Gaga in Gotham

Ghetto girl on cell: How you ‘spect me to find you? This map has, like, so many places on it!

–Brooklyn Botanical Gardens

Overheard by: vix

Tourist: But we are in SoHo!

–16th & 6th

Overheard by: Yours Truly

Tourist to MTA agent: Which train do I need to take to get to South Ho?

–W 4th St subway station

Overheard by: Emily

Teenage tourist: Ohmigod…CBGB… BCBG…Whatever. We totally have to go!

–22rd & 5th

Overheard by: zr

Tourist lady, pointing to Liberty Island: There are people over there. Why are there people over there?!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Not quite sure

Jappy tourist: Hey, we’re trying to get back to New York Island; do you know the best way to get to 48th and 8th Avenue?

–2nd St between A & B

Overheard by: Where Am I?

Yuppie tourist: Christina, Christina! Is this Ground Zero?

–5th Ave, outside Plaza Hotel

Overheard by: D

Wednesday One-Liners Should Have Tried a Puppy First

Guy, watching a toddler have a meltdown on the sidewalk: Where’s Susan Smith when you need her?

–Hudson & Jane

Overheard by: jose clunie

College girl: Mom, I can’t babysit them. Mom! Listen to me! I’m sorry, I don’t like babies. I find we have very little in common.

–34th & Broadway

Lady: I don’t know if that woman ever found her baby’s head!

–King’s County civil court, Brooklyn

Overheard by: kate s

Mother to infant: I’m so glad you’re getting a personality now! You used to just sit there and bore the fuck out of me. I wasn’t sure if I was going to love you! You’re not going to remember that, are you? [to friend] Is she?

–Water St & Hanover Sq

Overheard by: zack

Guy surrounded by kids: You’re all a bunch of savages. Little savages, that’s what you are!

–151st & Broadway

Overheard by: Pants

Woman to baby in stroller: No crying! Crying is unacceptable. I don’t care how bored you are. [to clerk] Does this come in pink?

–J Crew, Tme Warner Center, Columbus Circle

Lady on cell: No, she don’t like anyone. She mean as shit…Nah…Nah…She don’t even like her own children.

–Port Authority

Wednesday One-Liners Make the Beast With Two Backs

Overweight hobo: The only things I look forward to in life are mayonnaise and sex!

–57th & 7th

Woman on cell: When sex turns into math, you’ve got trouble on your hands.

–Union Square

Overheard by: McFreaky

Chick, screaming into cell: What a bitch! I swear, it’s getting harder and harder to fuck your co-worker and get away without people finding out!

–JFK

Overheard by: Pixie

Realist on cell: Well you can’t expect every guy you sleep with to call you back.

–53rd & 6th

Man to female date: So, basically, you sleep with people out of hilarity?

–St Mark’s & 2nd

Overheard by: Diane

Business woman: No, I told her I’d rather have sex with my husband than buy her products. And then she hung up on me.

–Chipotle, 22nd & 6th

Wednesday One-Liners Are Hip-Deep in Vintage Crap

Drunk teen: You know, hipsters would be more successful as a movement if they had a purpose.

–Union Sq Park

Overheard by: Martina

Girl: I like to call the guys I’ve fucked by their jobs: The Cowboy, The Olympian, The Firefighter, The Soldier. Maybe tonight I can add The Hipster. They don’t have careers, do they?

–Brooklyn bound L train

Guy on cell: Yeah, I’m like 3 hipsters deep right now.

–Siren Festival, Coney Island

Girl: I see these hipster girls and they’re in those little skirts with the high heels, and they’re on their bikes. I’m like, what are you doing? I hope you get hit by a car.

–1st Ave between 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Kira

Wednesday One-Liners Grin and Bear It

Girl: People always label me. They don’t take the time to get to know me. I’m the “Really, Really Nice Girl That’s Always Happy. With a Great Smile.”

–LIRR

Overheard by: Adina

Hipster girl, to hipster guy: Does smiling hurt you? It hurts you to smile?

–Top of the Rock, Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: gus

Singing hobos, in unison: Smile, it won’t mess up your hair!

–1 train

10-Year-Old girl: His smile haunts me.

–Dinosaur BBQ, Harlem

Overheard by: megan

Tourist dad, posing his family in front of WTC site: Smile, kids!

–Ground Zero

Overheard by: Mike Pobega

Compassionate guy: Nothing warms my heart more than a smiling retard.

–Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Work in a Hot Industry

Thug, to his friend: Yo, there are mad bitches in this hood. Why you eyeballin’ me?

–73rd & York

Overheard by: I was eyeballin’ him too

Dude: I can’t believe that sausage fest! There were no females up in that bitch!

–103rd & Lex

Overheard by: robin b

Lady: You know what the difference between her and Lonny is? She’s nice, and Lonny’s a bitch.

–Tennis courts, Central Park

B&T boyfriend, calling angrily out the window of his car: Bitch, I love you!

–White St, between Lafayette & Canal

Man to old blind lady: Watch where you’re going, bitch!

–12th St & 6th Ave

Guy, laughing at friend who dropped his coffee: That’s gravity, bitch!

–49th & 8th

Queer on cell: Oh my God, she, like, worships me…Yeah, I know, I’m totally the best thing that ever happend to her…Oh, no, I can’t stand her. She’s a total skanky bitch, bitch, bitch!

–Peanut Butter & Co, Sullivan St

‘What’s That, Lassie? Wednesday One-Liners Have Fallen Into the Old Well?’

Woman, to her panting dog: It is so not hot out. Stop faking it.

–Lafayette St, Fort Greene, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Katherine B

Woman, to her dog: Look, honey, a fire truck. Yes, dear, seeee? It’s a fire truck.

–Clinton & Schermerhorn, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: The Rat

Businesswoman, to two kids sitting in front of her: I have a very tiny dog that I can fit in my bag. Isn’t that silly? She’s at home sleeping right now. She gets to sleep and I have to go to work. Isn’t that silly?…I’ll tell her you said, “Hi.”

–4 train

Overheard by: Hogan

Woman, to her dog: Come on now, mister, one of us is going to pee or poo, and I have a feeling it’s not going to be me.

–Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Bradley Price

Girl, to her sitting dog: Can I get you anything? TV? Cold soda? Foot rub?

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: walking by

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Gateway Drug

One mom to another, amidst a gaggle of small children: Tyson’s mommy has the best pot.

–Hudson & Charles

Overheard by: Matt and Mat and Jeffrey

Ghetto woman with two young children: I need a joint.

–103rd St & CPW subway station

Overheard by: danzaboi

Chick: Girl, I cannot stand living with my mom. She has this need to always be in my business. I come home from shopping, she wants to know what I bought. I mean, the other night, she was trying to tell me how to roll my weed! She was like, “You’re not doing it right.” Ugh! I’m like, “Mom, you just started doing this. Shut up, okay?”

–1 train

Overheard by: Lauren

Drunk guy: You can’t use pot! Aren’t you on an Atkins diet or somethin’?

–F train

Overheard by: braincurve

Future politician: My friend smokes weed, but he doesn’t do drugs.

–14th & Ave B

Yuppie woman: Whatever, it was just the smoking-pot equivalent of a cult.

–8th Ave, Park Slope

Hippie: Before you partake, you got to thank God for your marijuana.

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Glance Backer

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