Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Could Use a Fig Leaf

Girl: I’m almost too comfortable with old-people nudity.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: hannah

Middle-Aged woman: Oh my God, you should have been there to see my husband naked-bodysurfing.

–Thompson & Spring

Man on cell: Yeah… I’m just calling to let you know the Naked Cowboy called in sick today because of the rain. Yeah, I’m going to take his place. I just wanted to let you know. OK. Bye.

–48th & 2nd

Young woman: There’s the Naked Cowgirl. She’s not all that. She’s not even that pretty!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Derek Powazek

Girl: It’s not like when a guy sees you naked, he’s gonna be like, “Yo, I wish you were more muscular.”

–College Walk, Columbia University

Girl on cell: Because grown sisters naked in a room together is weird!

–L train, Metropolitan Ave

Overheard by: Must be weird

Woman on cell: Naked on the couch?… God, I don’t blame you.

–3rd & A

Overheard by: Kira

Wednesday One-Liners, Baby

CD vendor: Hey, baby, you like hip hop? C’mon, baby, it’s good. C’mon, I never shot nobody. Well, there was that one time, but baby, c’mon.

–Outside Virgin Megastore, Times Square

Security guard: Yeah, if some guy came in, I’d be the first one on the ground, screaming,”Oh shit, he got a gun!” I’d be screaming like a baby.

–Grocery store, Astoria

Man, excitedly holding up infant to the fence: Look, baby! It’s Ground Zero!

–Ground Zero

Overheard by: Rich Weksberg

Guy: I feel shaken like a baby being taken care of by a British woman!

–Chinatown bus

Overheard by: CG

Man on cell: Baby, butter that thang up ’cause I’m coming home.

–E 65th & Central Park

Guy: If I’m going to see pictures of someone pooping, I’d rather it be a baby…Or a kitten.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: B&T Bus Rider

Woman to dog: You can’t go in there. You want to be on TV, baby? You want to be a big TV star?

–ABC Building entrance, 66th & CPW

Overheard by: ABC employee who’s not on tv

Wednesday One-Liners Need to Go to the Free Clinic

Woman on cell: Wait, but he still has malaria, right?…Good. Go on.

–Grove & 7th

Overheard by: courtney clinton

Frat boy: Wow! Herpes for a dollar; that sounds like a good deal!

–108th & Broadway

Overheard by: Alison R.

Amateur historian: You know what was bad? Black Plague was bad.

–Toast, Lafayette St

Overheard by: Chris

Faux-Boho gal: And he said, “I don’t understand how I have STDs and you don’t.”

–N train

Overheard by: Kelly Green

Gay waiter: I’ll have to sterilize it and then burn it or it might give the fire an infection.

–SoHo

MTA employee: So I had a touch of pneumonia, and they had to remove part of my lung. I was coughing up Jello…But it was clear, so it was okay!

–Q train, Newkirk Ave

Overheard by: Ben Couch

Hobette: Excuse me, ladies and gentleman, I’m hungry and I’m homeless. If you could please spare some money or some food, I’d appreciate it. Oh, and I have cancer. Have a nice day.

–Downtown R train

Overheard by: Kat

It Hurt at First, But Wednesday One-Liners Got Used to It

Barmaid: I’ll never feel lonely as long as someone, somewhere wants to stick it up my butt. Knowing that helps me sleep at night. Yes, sir, so long as I know that someone still wants to put it in my poop chute, I’m one happy camper.

–E Houston St

Woman to man: Just stick your dick in his ass. That’ll make him happy.

–Bleecker St

Overheard by: Jillian C

White girl on cell: And he put it in my ass and I was like, “Nuh-uh, nigga.”

–12th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Scott

Restaurant patron: So you’ll take a dick up the ass, but you won’t have that operation?

–Florent Restaurant, Gansevoort St

Yuppie: Can we not talk about anal sex at the opera?

–Met performance, Great Lawn, Central Park

Overheard by: @$#%!

Girlfriend to boyfriend: For every one you hit, you can put it in my ass.

–Batting cages, West Side

Overheard by: The King Adrock

Guy on cell: …and the next thing I know, I’m getting fucked up the ass with Chapstick for lube. …No, cherry! …I know!

–49th St

Overheard by: Manhattman

For Occasional Irregularity, Take These Wednesday One-Liners

Girl: I can’t go to the bathroom, I can’t eat grapes, I… I’ll be in a bubble!

–Brooklyn bound F train

Hipster girl, emerging from Port-a-Potty: Hey, guys, you have to feel this toilet paper! It’s like silk!… I know, I’m a weirdo.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Overheard by: Roz

Suit: I swear to God, it came out sideways. It hurt coming out, then I got up and looked at it, and it was floating sideways.

–Manhattan bound J train

Overheard by: Barry P.

Voice from bathroom stall: Yes!

–Women’s bathroom, Hunter College

Overheard by: acep

Girl, to friend washing her hands: Come on, let’s just go. There are more germs on the sink than on the toilet.

–Restroom, Grand Central Station

Woman, walking out of stall: Left you something!

–Restroom, Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: alan b hutscar

Guy: When I clenched my jaw really hard while I was trying to poop, I think I chipped a tooth.

–14th & 3rd

Baby, You Can Drive My Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: I don’t know, now she won’t sleep in the bedroom ’cause of the mobster, and she needs a ride to the Hamptons.

–7th & Ave A

Overheard by: Analt

Guy: He’ll be here in another twenty minutes. He’s sleeping in the back of a car.

–74th & 2nd

Overheard by: Wendy

Teenage girl: I know it’s so wrong, but I’m seriously lusting for luxury cars. I just want to lick them. I want to hump those leather seats!

–WTC Path station

Overheard by: Carine

Suburban boy: Oh my God, driving in the city is most fun thing in the entire world!

–Downtown R train

Overheard by: confused

Man: I had a bad night tonight. I stole a car, got two tickets. I shouldn’t-a stole that car.

–Bodega, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Flasteppi

Drunk guy on cell: If you don’t have my money by 12 tomorrow, I’m gonna get your mother’s car and your sister’s car…I still love your sister, too, but you better have my money.

–Union Turnpike-Kew Gardens E/F station

Young woman: Where did all these cars come from? New York doesn’t have cars.

–35th & 5th

Overheard by: Frank & Alex

Four Wednesday One-Liners and a Funeral

Guy on cell: I swear, I told you beforehand. I told you I was married.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Nicole and Caitlin

Five-year-old: Daddy, how come you ask all those women if they’re married?

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Caroline McGraw

Woman: I cannot wait ’til the wedding is over so I can go off this fucking diet!

–51st & 6th

Overheard by: jpnyc

Female suit: It’s a funeral, not a wedding, you baboon. Bring your own sandwich.

–59th & 10th

Overheard by: marie

Wednesday One-Liners Are Stupid. There. We Said It.

Woman on cell: When you assume, you make an ass of yourself.

–4th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Mark

Hipster: Yo, what’s up with Filene’s Basement? That shit’s on the top floor!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Tourist: Is that the Enron building?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Robyn

Tourist to security guard: Are these all originals?

–Impressionist Gallery, the Met

Overheard by: j-diddy

Female tourist: I could never live in Central America because I’d miss the ocean.

–Restaurant bathroom, Little Italy

Overheard by: Olia

Girl looking at subway map: What about that thing, that star–“You are here”? They don’t have that?

–(Moving) uptown 1 train, 59th St

Overheard by: Jo

White hipster girl: Is black semen black?

–86th & Park

Wednesday One-Liners Make the Cover of People

Tween boy: Then Tom Cruise and Will Smith get married and have babies.

–74th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Rachel

3 year old: Ahhh, my mouth is on fire! My mouth is on fire! Help me, Tom Cruise!

–89th & Broadway

Overheard by: Alex

Man to girlfriend: Shit, I like that Martha Stewart. She a gangsta in disguise.

–Kmart, Astor Place

Guy: He is like the L. Ron Hubbard of Teach for America.

–Lenny’s, 77th & 2nd

Overheard by: Rebecca

Crazy guy: You fuckers don’t deserve to be here! John Lennon died for peace and tolerance! Get the fuck out of here, queers! John died for peace and humanity!

— 72nd & Central Park West

Overheard by: emily

Chick on cell: Yeah, he wouldn’t watch my kid last night because he was hanging out with Wilmer Valderrama.

–1st Ave between 12th & 13th

Hobo: Betty Boop killed Martin Luther King!

–1 train

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Wednesday One-Liners Say Shabbat Shalom

Confused shiksa: I don’t know, he was either Jewish or Polish or something…He had on that little beanie, you know?

–Gate 5, Delta Terminal, JFK

Asian chick: I like you because I can say all this ignorant Jewish stuff, and you know what I’m talking about.

–Dallas BBQ, 23rd & 8th

Overheard by: McFreaky

Guy on cell: No it’s all going to be fine. We already locked up the rabbi.

–PATH train

Overheard by: He didn’t even look like Mel Gibson…

Black guy #1 to black guy #2: Jews for Jesus? What kind of racist shit is that, Negro?

–Subway tunnel, Times Square

Overheard by: Cameron H.

Hipster: I was at a Klan meeting when I found out I was Jewish. I just about hung myself.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Nial

Chick: They were either Orthodox Jews or Rocky Horror fanatics.

–11th & 2nd

Overheard by: Saran Wrap

Egyptian dude: See, other people in the Middle East do not really hate Jews. We are very similar to Jews, actually. Egyptians and Palestinians and Lebanese and Israelis, all of us make lots of deli foods that have lots of spices and names that are fun to say…And if you are Egyptian, the war does not mean so much. If you grew up there, you grew up with the giant pyramids. You know the pyramids? Yes, well you can see them from the city, and you think “Who built those? Slaves. Who did they build them for? Dead people.” And then things like wars do not bother you so much.

–Pita Pan, 1st St & 7 Ave, Brooklyn

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