Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Dealt It

Guy: But I have to say that 93% of the time I smell good.

–West Building, Hunter College

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Butch lesbian: Damn, now that’s the stank I’m talkin’ about. It smells like ass in here!

–Lexington/51St subway station

Girl on cell: Ok, I’ll meet you for coffee, but I need to stop and get some deodorant, because apparently, according to my entire Spanish class, I stink.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: keeping my distance

Ghetto girl: Tanise, what kind of funk are tryin’ to hide with that stink?

–42nd & 8th Avenue

Overheard by: Lauri

Ghetto Girl: If my pussy stank I’d kill myself. My pussy ain’t never stank.

–1 train

Overheard by: Josh H

Little boy: You smell like piss!

–Medieval Festival, Fort Tryon Park

Overheard by: Jenny

Yuppie woman: He’s 14! That’s old enough to recognize the smell of burning human flesh!

–Broadway, between 11th St & 12th St

Overheard by: Are We There Yet?

Technicolor Wednesday-One-Liners

Voice on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, someone has lost a pair of ladies’ red-rimmed eyeglasses. That’s a pair of women’s glasses with red frames, looking for you. Get it? Cause they’re glasses, looking for…Oh, nevermind.

–Queens County Farm Museum

Overheard by: amused visitor

Girl: I only like white wine in Paris

–Union Pool

Overheard by: Andrea

Hobo: I am a Vietnam veteran. I cannot work due to the effects of Agent Orange. Agent Orange was used in Vietnam to kill all the vegetarians.

–Uptown R train

Cop: So what does the red light mean, dat you gotta come to a complete stop?

–Downtown 1 train

Overheard by: Goueznou

Student to tourists: No, no. The black-draped building is Silver. The white building is Brown. See?

–Broadway & Mercer

Overheard by: booksandlibretti

Coast guard officer: Oh darn, I should have worn my pink coast guard hat today.

–South Street Seaport, Avon Breast Cancer Walk

Where There’s Smoke There Are Wednesday-One-Liners

Guy on cell: Yeah, I just caught Kev with a joint and I flipped out on him and took it to destroy it. Yeah, I was an idiot though. I tried to burn it.

–Bay Parkway & 86 St

Overheard by: Ben

Guy: He would be no good on a deserted island. I wouldn’t eat him. He would just be thrown in the fire.

–Union Square East

Guy: My sprinkler growing up was a fire hydrant.

–Tompkins Square

Overheard by: Lila J

Woman: Either there’s a building on fire or a whole lot of marijuana.

–3rd Ave & 10th St

Little girl: Mommy, do even tiny peppers burn your asshole on the way out?

–Taco Bell, 6th Ave

Cop to sad-faced mime: You can do anything you want, you just can’t have anything on fire.

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: futurebird

Ghetto girl, looking at burning car: That one angry bitch.

–103rd St & CPW

Overheard by: Little Match Girl

Our Product Regrew Wednesday One-Liners in Four Out of Five Users

Straight guy: I need to change my hair. Four out of five girls with that bachelorette party last night thought I was gay.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Phil

Guy: Listen, it’s not hair replacement. It’s a system.

–Sterling & 7th, Park Slope

Overheard by: A White Bear

White guy: Yeah, and I ripped out her weave.. it was awesome!

–14th & 5th

Overheard by: Amelia D

Hobo: All Democrats must have pink hair, by mandate of the homeless Republican!

–12th & 6th

Overheard by: theNJl

Ghetto girl: She wanted to charge me $400 for my hair. She was gonna charge me by the pound! Who charges for hair by the pound? I could get my homegirl to do it for $20. Never buy your hair from someone in the ‘hood!

–5 train, 125th St

Overheard by: La Liz

Bald queer: Oh, now I have to do my hair again. It’s so difficult to keep my hands out of it!

–Elevator, 1250 Broadway

Please Clean up After Your Wednesday-One-Liners

Cokehead to small dog: You piss me off.

–St Marks Place

Overheard by: Murray

Woman to her dog: What the hell are you doing?

–Fairway Market, W 74th & Broadway

Overheard by: Megan Ingraham

Little boy to pigeon walking behind him: Stop it!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Will

Creepy old guy to dog: Yeah, yeah. Smell me. Smell me.

–Stairwell of apartment building, W 105th St

Overheard by: inge

Man to his dog butt-sniffing dog: Don’t do that! I told you not to do that! This is why you don’t have any friends!

–117th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: robin b

Woman to yapping pooch: Shakespeare, we’ve talked about this!

–72nd St & York

WASP to dog: You’re not going to get cheese on your fries if you don’t stop misbehaving right now!

–Shake Shack, 23rd St & Madison

Overheard by: Matt C

Wednesday-One-Liners Pledge Allegiance to the Vag

Hipster girl: I don’t want to do that to my vagina! I want my vagina to smell like va-gi-na! Who would do that to their vagina?

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Edward Dandelions

Crazy ranting dreddy guy: Respect the vagina!

–St. Marks & 2nd

Hipster Girl: After sex with him, I like, hydrogen peroxided my vagina.

–1st Ave & 9th St

Angry man on cell: No, we weren’t fighting last night, I ate your pussy!

–C Train

Overheard by: Ada

Girl: So he was like, ‘How was your vacation’ and I was like, ‘My vagina’s sore.’

–Coffee Shop, Union Square

Guy on cell: Put your head between your legs and suck your twat.

–19th St

Overheard by: Gross

Boyfriend to girlfriend: Wait, that’s the vajayjay?

–Bodies Exhibit, South Street Seaport

This is Wednesday-One-Liners’ Stop

Man boarding bus to driver: You better not go flippin’ this bitch over!

–Fung Wah Bus, Chinatown

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Young mom: No! I will sit down! You’re a kid, you don’t even have to pay to ride the bus. I did, so I’m sitting! Move!

–M60 Bus

Bus driver: Everyone get on the bus, I got a schedule. For those of you sneaking on in the back, can you at least do it fast? I’ve got places to be.

–B45 Bus

Overheard by: Robin M.

Driver of a Chinatown bus : Does anyone know how to get out of the city?

–Broadway

Luke…. I Am Your Wednesday-One-Liners

Jappy Teenage daughter: Daddeeee! I want you to get rid of sweat.

–50th & 8th

Overheard by: Lord…

Black woman on cell: I don’t like big, Black, aggressive men. I like light-skinned men, cause I’m Jamaican. I just found out I’m Jamaican like five years ago. My mom told me the guy who I thought was my father is not my real father. But you know, I don’t hold nothing against him. Dude paid child support and shit.

–Queens bound 7 Train

Hoochie with baby: As soon as he came outta me and I saw what color he was, oh no, I knew who his daddy was. But I love the shit outta my son.

–R Train

Little girl: When I don’t want to listen to my dad I just say ‘Talk to the hand!’

–Wooster St & Spring St

Little kid in stroller: Dad, is this us?

–Inside subway car on NYC subway IRT line at 34 thst stop

Overheard by: Steve Grant

I Get by with a Little Help from My Wednesday One-Liners

Mom to kid making weird sound: Stop it! That’s how you don’t make friends!

–Grocery Store

Overheard by: beth

Street guy: Yeah man, I remember you now! Sometimes it’s hard separating friends from people.

–West 46th St.

Overheard by: JGL

Drunk guy talking to cop about his drunk friend hiding behind a lightpost: Can you see him? Can you see my friend, fucker? Damn straight you can’t, he’s got his camouflage on bitch.

–1St & 1St

Overheard by: Erik & Sam

Girl on cell: I don’t even have friends!

–14th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: trix b

Hipster girl: I have a friend who went down on a cab driver…Actually, I have two friends who have gone down on cab drivers!

–Upper West Side

Asian nerd #1 to Asian nerd #2: You are by far the most powerful Jew I’ve ever befriended.

–Columbia Campus

Overheard by: double take

We Recommend 8 Hours of Wednesday One-Liners a Night

Restaurant patron: Wait, you are telling me you never wake up in the middle of the night and think you’re still in jail?

–Mottsu Soho

Overheard by: J

Guy on cell: I’ll be there in a few hours. No! Just wait! I mean can you please just not sleep all day again for three seconds?

–Canal St

Hobo: Sorry to disturb y’all! If you look at me closely, you will see some red marks. I was sleeping on the ground for a couple of days and I did not know that if you smell like food, those big rats will bite you.

–B Train

Overheard by: Jamie Paquette

Guy on cell: Hi. I’m just calling to say . . . ummm . . . I feel really bad about how things are going, how things have been. I don’t know if you got any sleep last night. I know I didn’t. But I guess I turned it to my best advantage, because I just gave the most amazing lecture. I talked for two and a half hours! So I guess I’m not totally useless to everyone.

–Chelsea Station Post Office

Anorexic dancer: Yeah, but I can’t wake up without toilet paper.
Friend: …..
Anorexic dancer: It makes sense to me.

–Meredith Wilson Residence Hall, Juilliard School

Overheard by: cherry

Patron to bartender: I mean, I sleep till 3 p.m., but that’s because I drink and do coke all the time. . . . I guess they do too!

–Barracuda

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