Coffee

Wednesday One-Liners Go Great with Biscotti

Suit: Ladies and gentlemen, I have a financially stable family with two children. I just played fourteen holes at the country club and would kill for an iced cappuccino. Please give me some money.

–1 Train

Man, about two women passing: Fellas, you can’t let them get away! If you do, they’ll turn into a cup of coffee and a buttered roll!

–Bleecker & 11th

Toothless bum: Hey man, can I get two dollars so I can get myself a Cappuccino?

–B Train

Overheard by: Comack

Seven-year-old boy: Mom, I want to take a picture of Starbucks!

–42nd & Broadway

No New York Jury Would Convict Me of Murdering Her

Guy, to girl: …and when I told her it was an espresso she said she hadn’t ordered that. She said she had ordered coffee.
Guy and girl, at the same time: An espresso is coffee!
Guy: And then she said: “Can I get some milk for this?”
Girl: Oh my god, are you serious?

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Hannah

At Least That’s What the Guy in the Turban Told Me

(After the recent spate of terrorist attacks the TSA decided to stop allowing liquids past the security gate)
TSA agent: I’m sorry, miss. You can’t bring coffee past the security checkpoint.
Lady in a hurry: It’s okay, it’s tea.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: John M.

You’d Be Fired for That Anywhere Else in the US

Woman: I’d like a latte with percent milk.
Barista: Percent? You mean “two percent”?
Woman: No, just regular percent milk.
Barista: (…)
Woman, condescendingly: There’s whole milk, and there’s skim milk, and then in-between, there’s percent milk. Got it?
Barista: You’re gettin two percent. I hope that works for you.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Carol

Of Course, We Burn the Urine First

Woman: Excuse me, where is your bathroom?
Cashier: I’m sorry, we don’t have a bathroom in this facility.
Male customer: What do you guys do when you have to use the bathroom?
Cashier: How do you think our coffee gets its unique flavor?

–Starbucks, Times Square

Overheard by: Making my own Espresso from now on

The Best Part of Waking Up Is Folgers in Your Sippy Cup

Six-year-old hippie girl to babysitter: If it’s okay with you, can you take Tommy and I to Grey Dog, please?
Six-year-old preppy boy: What’s “Grey Dog”?
Six-year-old hippie girl: My favorite coffee shop.

–Bleecker & 6th Ave

Headline by: chubba

Runners-Up:
· “By the Time She Was 13 She Had a Favorite Abortion Clinic.” – DR G LUV
· “I Just Get The Cafe Au Breast Milk.” – cbeck
· “If It Was 1908, She’d Be Working in a Textile Factory” – Nate
· “The Lattes Come with Biodegradable Crazy Straws” – Kristen
· “Their Mom Had Caffinated Breast Milk” – Josh

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

You Know Smiling Is Illegal in This Zip Code

Starbucks employee #1: I just got so aroused when I made that caramel coffee today.
Starbucks employee #2: Oh god… You didn’t do what you did last time, did you?!?

–Broadway & Reade

“Titanic,” before the Script Doctor

Chick: Hey, how’s it going?
Dude: Hey, wassup?
Chick: Not much. It’s so weird to see you outside.
Dude: I know. I told you I lived near you.
Chick: Oh, yeah. I remember now.
Dude: What are you doing here?
Chick: Heard the coffee here is pretty famous.
Dude: Yeah, it is.
Chick: Anyways, I gotta go, but do you even know my name?
Dude: No…
Chick: What? I know yours. Tony, right?
Dude: No. I’m Dennis.
Chick: Oh, shit. Okay, Dennis. I’m Sonia. Anyways, gotta go. I will see you again, okay?
Dude: Alright. Bye.
Chick: Bye.

–Central Park

Back When the Words “Caramel Macchiato” Really Meant Something to People

Thugette: What are you doing today?
Thug: Going to Starbucks.
Thugette: Starbucks?
Thug: Yeah. What?
Thugette: That’s so 1960s.

–A train

Overheard by: Dengstein

As Soon As I Come Down Off This Acid

Man: Oh my god. This coffee right here — the best coffee I’ve ever had.
Employee: And only 85 cents!
Man: 85 cents! Look at that! You can’t get anything in New York for only 85 cents!
Girl holding Skittles: Except Skittles.
Man: What is that? What’s it called?
Girl: Skittles.
Man: Oh, man, I gotta get me some of that stuff.

–Happy Mart, 8th St

Overheard by: happy customer at happy mart

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