Creepster #1: So, I wrote her an e-mail that said, ‘Your titties look really nice. They look really succulent.’
Creepster #2: You wrote ‘succulent’?
Creepster #1: Yeah, I said, ‘Your titties look succulent in photo number five.’
Creepster #2: That’s fucked up.
Creepster #1: I know, but…
–Union & Smith, Brooklyn
Overheard by: crowin
14-year-old girl: How long does Accutane take to work?
Dermatologist: Before you know it, you’ll be so beautiful you’ll be beating off all the guys.
–Dermatologist’s office
Little girl: You’re the most beautiful girl in the whole world! [Mom smiles.] You are.
Mom: I think you’re the most beautiful girl in the whole world.
Little girl: Only to you.
Mom, holding up girl’s art project: Actually, I think she’s the most beautiful girl in the whole world.
Little girl: No! She’s a princess bird-fish!
–F train
Overheard by: Actually, I’M the most beautiful girl in the world
Woman to Eric*: Are you a sexual adventurer?
Man: Eric is the Amerigo Vespucci of ass play.
–Against the Grain, East Village
Overheard by: Adam
45-year-old man: … And since I’m on my way to a business meeting, this drink I just bought you is tax deductible.
College girl: Well, that’s nice, I guess.
45-year-old man: Yeah, you’ve got a big butt and you’re tax deductible. That’s how I like them.
–Coffee Shop Bar, 14th St
Headline by: Snark Sloper
Runners-Up:
· “Accountant Pickup Line #65337-2366-26637-1” – Works For Me
· “Baby Got Back. — Cf, Form 1040 Schedule C Line 27” – chris
· “Monica Lewinsky: This Sounds Familiar…” – D. Kareem
· “Until She Capital Gains All That Weight” – Vasyl
Hipster chick, with gun charm on necklace: Can I get a Diet Coke?
Greek clerk: I like that gun. It looks like the one I keep under my mattress.
–Canal & Eldridge
Chick to another: She’s a weed-smoking, modern orthodox girl. I mean, I don’t think she goes to her rabbi’s high, but…
–Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: cole
Professor: … So the art department on the set just smokes pot all day and paints blue boulders.
–Media Productions class, City College
Mini thug: Yo, I wouldn’t even have to be high out of my mind to enjoy this shit!
–Brooklyn Cyclone, Coney Island
Overheard by: Alie
Smoking model on cell: Um, yeah, he’s cute… But, duh — he’s addicted to opiates!
–Houston & Laffayette
Overheard by: Jake
Hobo to girls: How are you smiling in a city filled with a million crackheads?
–56th & 5th
Guy on a rant in front of Imagine mosaic: In my next life I want to be an amoeba! Make more music, smoke more pot… Eating healthily is expensive! We should all have 40 acres and a mule and start all over!
–Strawberry Fields, Central Park
Overheard by: I’ll have what he’s having
15-year-old preppy #1: I think Lisa’s really cool. We should hang out with her more.
15-year-old preppy #2 Yeah, she seems like a really cool girl. I guess her boyfriend’s in jail or something… And she has his name tattooed on her clit [gestures to stomach area] or something…
–Atlantic Ave
Female student: How do you feel about always being a supporting role and never getting to be the leading man?
Matt Dillon: [Silent.]Male student: You’re my leading man!
–School of Visual Arts
Overheard by: terd fergeson
Blonde: So, I told him for months that this was my weekend.
Brunette: Our weekend.
Blonde: Right, my weekend. So his parents are coming to help him move into his new apartment, and is it bad if I don’t help and I go to the Hamptons instead?
Brunette: No. Did he say anything to make you think that?
Blonde: No, I thought of it on my own.
Brunette: You look super tan.
Blonde: Thanks!
–Equinox gym
