Conductor: This is an express, uptown C train. You heard right: an express C train. Next stop: 125th Street. If you need local service on the Upper West Side, please transfer across the platform to the D, as in “Daddy done did it” or B, as in “bad boy Bobby Brown” train.
–C train, 59th St
Conductor: This is a Brooklyn bound B train. Like bitch.
–B train
Conductor: We are currently being held in the station because of some other A train fucking us all over.
–Uptown A train
Overheard by: la di da
Conductor: Never give up on life. Keep hope alive. This is 30th Avenue.
–N train, Astoria
Overheard by: trying to shake off a Red Lobster feast
Conductor: Thank you for riding the C train and remember: smile and the world smiles with you.
–C train
Overheard by: NYGirlieGirl
Conductor: You can switch to the A train across the platform. However, I would much rather you stay on this train.
–Downtown C train, 14th St
Overheard by: alxie
Conductor: This train is very crowded. If you cannot fit, please step back and wait for the next train. If you manage to get onto this very crowded train, look at the person next to you and tell them, “Howdy!”
–Queens bound F train
Conductor: Step in and stand clear of the good news.
–F train, 34th St
Overheard by: prairiesquid
Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the mobile sauna bath.
–A train
Overheard by: english dude
Conductor: This is 175th Street. This is an A train to…This is an A train to… to nothing! Hey, does anyone know where we’re going?
–A train, 175th St
Overheard by: Brown Eyed Girl
Conductor: All right, there’s a 3 train across the platform. Hurry up and make your connection, people. Get to steppin’, get to steppin’!
–1 train, Times Square
Conductor, angrily: Yo, stand clear o’ the closing doors o’ my choo-choo!
–PATH train
