Global Geography

Wednesday One-or-the-Other-Liners

Charity worker: Help the homeless! [Androgynous person walks by] Even a pretty girl… boy… whatever-that-was can help!

–Times Square

Chick, wistfully: That was Vadim. He was from St. Petersburg. When we broke up he stole all my dresses.

–A train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Large black security guard, inspecting guy’s Sephora bag: You da man!

–Hayden Planetarium

Pierced 20-ish chick: So, the last time I pegged a guy he wouldn’t stop jabbering on and on about how much he loved trannies. It just made me shove in the strap-on harder.

–Delancey & Orchard

Overheard by: Californian

Guy: I sirred a ma’am today. But, in my defense, she was a very sir-able ma’am.

–33rd & Broadway

Oh, Get Your Wednesday One-Liners Out of the Gutter

Suit during presentation: We are a global company with a tremendous reach-around.

–810 7th Ave

Overheard by: Jatmos

Barista gesturing to fridge: Hey! Milk me!

–Coffee shop

Professor: It’s hard to sit there for two hours without a climax.

–NYU

Overheard by: woods comma elle

Teacher, on oral quizzes: … And if you can satisfy me orally, you will receive a good grade.

–The Dalton School

Overheard by: Marissa

Pimp My Wednesday One-Liners

Guido: You know what it would mean if I drove a Saab? It would mean I have a big dick.

–Sheepshead Bay theater

Overheard by: sprinkles

JAP on cell: Well, if you guys need a ride I need to call Daddy and tell him to bring the Infinity, not the BMW… Wow, that sounded really JAP-y.

–49th, between 8th & 9th

Restaurant flyer guy: Why a Lamborghini costs so much we don’t know, but we do have food!

–96th & 3rd

Overheard by: Drewster

Guy: We either gotta pay the Russian drivers, threaten the Russian drivers, or kill the Russian drivers.

–Financial District

Ghetto lady: That’s the only thing you can do in a van with no air conditioning — sing.

–Maspeth & Metropolitan Ave, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Are Sleeping with Their Secretaries

Suit on the run, after accosted by street charity worker: I don’t want to save a child! I want to go to a meeting!

–53rd & Lex

Suit: Yeah, I don’t think I could work for the government. All they do is kill people.

–23rd & Park

Suit: I don’t play hard to get; I play hard to like.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Brian

Suit on cell: I just got back from São Paulo. That place looks like New York threw up on L.A.

–JFK

Suit on cell: What do you mean scientologists are following you? … No, you can’t stay at my place tonight…

–6th Ave

Overheard by: E.Major

Stupid Norman Conquest

Dumb teen: So, you’re from France?
English girl: No, I’m from England.
Dumb teen: Oh, right. What part of England is France in?

–Outside B & J’s Steakhouse

Overheard by: Giggling into my Soda

And Inexplicably Looove Titanic

Dude #1: The Japanese can’t be that racist!
Dude #2: All I’m saying is, drop another couple of nukes on them and they’re still going to hate the blacks.

–Eastchester & Morris Park, Bronx

Unlicensed Wednesday One-Liners

Mom to screaming child: Now, honey, I want you to be yourself, just not to everyone.

–3rd St & Ave B

Overheard by: amanda

British mum to eight-year-old son: Bobby, stop looking at the bloody NASDAQ.

–Outside Toys ‘R’ Us

Loud lady to son: Go stand in line behind that Mexican man! Don’t let him intimidate you!

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: jenmo

Dad to baby in stroller: Did you know that the price of copper is becoming irrelevant?!

–31st & Ditmars, Astoria

Overheard by: Scarfish

Father to young son: Why are you putting your butt on me?

–Brooklyn Industries, 9th & 7th

Man to son: Don’t you tell me to shut up! I just bought you a bunch of Star Wars toys!

–Macy’s

Just Not in Any Recent Incarnation

Clerk: What’s that symbol on your shirt?
Chick: It says ‘Nepal.’
Clerk: What’s Nepal?
Chick: It’s where the Dalai Lama lives.
Clerk: What’s the Dalai Lama? Is that an animal?
Chick: Yeah, it’s like a Yeti.
Clerk: Oh.

–Pelham Pkwy

Overheard by: raginggoatboy

What the Fuck Is a Garden?

NYU bimbette #1: What were the original seven wonders of the world?
NYU bimbette #2: I don’t know — some shit that I’ve never heard of. Hold on, I’ll look it up… The Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Where the fuck is that?
NYU bimbette #1: I don’t know… Long Island?

–NYU BOBST Library

Debil!

Blonde: Gosh, these lines are, like, so long.
Brunette: Yep.
Blonde: I’m, like, not from here so, like, I’m not used to this.
Brunette: Uh-huh.
Blonde: I’m actually from, like, Ohio. Where are you from?
Brunette: Albany.
Blonde: Oh my gosh, really?! Say something in Albanian!
Employee passerby: Fucking tourists…

–Banana Republic Women, Soho

Overheard by: MistressSilver

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