Headline Contest Winners

I Think One of the ‘Make a Wish’ Kids Asked for It Already

Guy #1: What is wrong with this district?
Guy #2: I know! Every store is a liquor store.
Guy #1: There should be district liquor summer camps or something.

Headline by: Menzer

Runners-Up:

· “An excerpt from “The History of Catholic Camp”” – Manda

· “But that’s what New Jersey’s for!” – cinekat

· “Captain Morgan gains close victory in district 7, narrowly beating Corporal Cocaine and Major Methamphetamine.” – Victor

· “I Don’t Want to Know What You Did Last Summer” – Laura

· “I’m going for the “Finding a Bruise of Unknown Origin” Merit Badge” – Syd O

· “Kumbaya with a twist” – danny

· “Southern Comfort Proudly Sponsors Boy Scout Troop 741” – Bevan

· “With Sailing Lessons from Captain Morgan” – Greene

· “Wyoming is way ahead of you.” – Merk


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Tourists on Trains and Snakes on Planes

Teen boy tourist #1: Okay, finally we’re on the damn train.
Teen boy tourist #2: Yeah, for real. Take forever, god!
Teen boy tourist #1: Hey, you know, those people lied to us! They said we can take the N, but this one is going to 14th Street, too. I read the map.
Teen boy tourist #2: Why did they lie to us?
Teen boy tourist #1: Probably because we were acting like such tourists. That’s probably what they do, just stand in the subway waiting to prey on confused tourist kids.
Teen boy tourist #2: We should get some iPods. That would fix it.
Teen boy tourist #1: Why would that fix it?
Teen boy tourist #2: Look around. I count five people on this train with iPods. They make you look ‘New York.’

–Downtown W train

Overheard by: The N would have gotten you there faster…

Headline by: Sean Boudreau

Runners-Up:

· “But the fold up maps make us look like we’re from Jersey.” – Jeff

· “For every ipod in the subway, apple kills a tourist” – monkey

· “Know What Else Is Authentic? Gunshot Wounds” – J.M. Berger

· “Losing The “God Hates Fags” Shirts Would Also Help” – miss c

· “New York: Uhh, Lose Ten Pounds, Convert to Judaism, and Maybe We’ll Talk” – salute deez nuts

· “Nobody tell them about the secret handshake” – Destroyer

· “Sure, you can buy the ipod, but the disaffected stare can only be acquired from years of indifference” – morgz

· “That look isn’t new york, it’s contempt” – squirrel

· “You can keep them in your fanny packs” – jh


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Romeo and Juliet: Shakespeare’s First Draft

Teen boy: I couldn’t put it all the way in, though.
Teen girl: Ew, ew, ew.
Teen boy: I don’t know how they do that in pornos.
Teen girl: One second — are you gay?
Teen boy: Not really. Like, I’d totally do you.
Teen girl: You wish! Got Jake’s shit all over your dick. Ain’t no way.

–Smiling Pizza, 7th Ave, Park Slope

Headline by: Malingerer

Runners-Up:

· “Bi-curiousity killed the pussy” – Mojosaves

· “Have your jake and eat it too” – teensaredisgusting

· “He called ‘no homo'” – Jedipus

· “He probably couldn’t put it all the way in, because he’s not willing to come all the way out” – Ryan

· “Jake the German Shepherd was extra eager to meet his master that night.” – Adrenna

· “Methinks the lady doth protest too much” – assley

· “The Straw That Brokeback Mountain” – B

· “The shit washes off. The gay? Not so much.” – Sean

· “Then How ’bout a Dirty Sanchez?” – Hobo Whisperer

· “When the front door slams shut, sometimes the back door opens” – steve devan

· “You say tomato, I say hepatitis” – Mark Poepsel


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The Silence of the Lamb Chop

Teen girl #1: So, I heard that this porn star had, like, lung cancer and had to, like, have part of her lung removed.
Teen girl #2: Damn, that sucks. Is she, like, always out of breath?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, and she, like, can’t talk that much either ’cause she can hardly breathe.
Teen girl #2: But isn’t she a porn star? When she like, you know, has an orgasm, how can she make those loud noises? Her career is so over.
Teen girl #1: Maybe she has a ventriloquist.
Teen girl #2: No way. That’d only work if she was a guy and it was gay porn, ’cause, I mean, who’s ever heard of a girl ventriloquist?

–Deli, 42nd St

Headline by: Emilio Lizardo

Runners-Up:

· “And They Called Her Howdy Pooty” – Sean

· “Charlie McCarthy Does Dallas!” – Mary Beth Hanlon

· “How many ‘likes’ does it take to get to another orgasm?” – Maggie Mae

· “I never knew smoking pole could cause lung cancer” – Matt T

· “If Helen Keller did porn” – Em

· “She’s Not Bad, But I Can See Her Lips Moving” – Dan

· “That’s not all she’s faking” – CoolPapaZ

· “Those screeching sounds come from her other set of lips” – Nick. D.

· “You know what else turns me on? Leprosy” – Steve


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But Your Shift Isn’t Over ‘Til Five

Stoner dude #1: Dude, I wonder why they call it ‘Starbucks…’ It’s not, like, in the shape of a star.
Stoner dude #2: I don’t know. Let’s leave and get stoned.
Stoner dude #1: I’m up for that.

–Starbucks

Headline by: nicole

Runners-Up:
· “And Don’t Get Me Started On the PuPu Platter” – Dank
· “As heard on the floor of the United States House of Representatives” – Syd O
· “Because ‘Queequeg’s’ Just Didn’t Have The Right Ring To It” – Toon
· “But I’m still waiting for my Mary Jane Macchiato” – Jim C.
· “English Majors in Action” – ed
· “Star-glazing” – timmm
· “Stephen Hawking and Stephen Jay Gould: The Early Years” – Russ Wall
· “That Ahab could have used a spliff” – Kevin
· “The coffee’s for my glaucoma, I swear.” – Dave

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Unlike Chinese Guys, Where You Have One and You’re Hungry 30 Minutes Later

Guy in truck: I’m Italian!
Girl wearing ‘I Love Italian Guys’ t-shirt: Yeah, go kill yourself! I get that all day!

–58th St

Overheard by: Scottyboy

Headline by: Abartig
Runners-Up:
· “”So, do you have any Italian in ya? You want some?”” – erak
· “Because the “Putana Facile” T-shirt was not working.” – cristina
· “But I’m not “in” love with them” – Marc
· “Her “I Fuck Jews” T-shirt Also Sends Mixed Signals” – s h
· “She knows a real Italian will just try to rape her” – cornelious
· “Sibyl: The Dating Years” – Sara
· “The “I love my daddy” t-shirt was even less fun.” – Defies Gravity
· “This passes for courtship in New Jersey” – Amanda
· “Veni, vidi, vd” – em


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Finally, A Quote With A Happy Ending!

Hobo: I need you to stop here. I need to get off and wash my pants. There has been a sexual release in my pants!

–Lenox Ave bus

Headline by: Dan

Runners-Up:

· “And That’s Why I Was Late” – chronically tardy

· “Bussed a Nut – Crosstown Excitement Goes A Block Too Far” – Matt G.

· “Dishonorable Discharge” – Jim C.

· “Economically and socially disenfranchized people say the darndest things” – Emma

· “MTA’s new “Request-a-Stop” and handjob feature” – Jobee

· “Marvin Gaye’s retarded half-brother” – Mary Beth Hanlon

· “Meanwhile, at the auditions for ‘Speed III'” – shawn doney

· “Milton Misses Yet Another Meeting of Premature Ejaculators Anonymous” – Tom Ediger

· “Never ask a hobo if he’s coming or going.” – LadyP

· “Premature embarkation” – mdub

· “Second Thought, Let’s Go For Two” – Martin Frazee

· “Senator Foley just isn’t the same when he’s not IMing” – oye

· “The Man On The Bus Goes Rub, Rub, Ooops…” – Sam Nassar

· “Why the 6 is never on schedule” – Rionn Fears Malechem


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No More Baby Shopping in Kazakhstan For Us

Little girl in sushi restaurant: Hey! Guess what? I just farted!

Mom and dad ignore her.

Little girl: I said I just farted! And I farted big! Ewwww! And it smells like rotten eggs! Wanna smell?

Little girl lets one rip.

Mother to father: So how was your day?

–Upper West Side

Headline by: Colin McCleod

Runners-Up:
· “Courtney Love: The Early Years” – Claire
· “Ew-nagi” – Mr. Fancipants
· “Gives new meaning to “silent but deadly”” – Will
· “I had to fart a lot to get my boss’s attention…” – alex
· “If We Ignore It, Maybe It Will Just Go Away” – Ian
· “Ignore-ance is Bliss” – Nick
· “Luckily, Rosie O’Donnell was able to refine her act” – prmsrng3
· “Pull My Finger” – Jose Hernandez
· “Practicing for the Teenage Years” – Brian
· “Reason number seven why sushi is a popular dining experience.” – Extra Character
· “Since “How My Day Was” is Self Explanatory…” – Veronica
· “Sounds a little like George W Bush and North Korea’s relationship” – Empty Refrigerator
· “To Air is Human. Earplugs, Divine” – Qasar
· “Unfortunatly, the father spent his day with the chronic masturbator son.” – ToraMaikeru
· “We thought you should know: You’re adopted.” – Jeff
· “What do you have to do to get some attention around here!…crap on the floor?” – pdz
· “Why Mommy and Daddy don’t have sex anymore” – Kristin
· “You’ve got to ac-cent-uate the positive… Flat-u-late the negative…” – Mike Chmiel

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The Glass Is Half Full and Half AIDS

Dude #1: If I was the last man on earth, I would die of exhaustion from banging too much!
Dude #2: If I was the last man on earth, I’d die of AIDS from banging too much.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: Rich
Headline by: Syd O

Runners-Up:
· “And his guidance counselor said he wasn’t goal oriented…” – Marc
· “Apparently the apocalypse is a lot like New York in the 80s.” – julian
· “But as long as there’s even one other man left, they’re both safe” – Not buying it
· “Either Way, He’d Be Fucked!” – Hobo Whisperer
· “How is that any different then now.” – Kaleena
· “If you were the last man on earth, we’d all be lesbians” – Tam
· “If I’m goin’ everyone else is coming with me” – Botticus
· “If you were the last man on earth, I’d die from banging my head against a wall” – Becky
· “It’s a catch simplex 2.” – Vin
· “Oh yeah? If I were the last man on Earth, I’d die of whatever killed the other guys!” – Chris
· “Only After All the Batteries Are Gone” – Lush
· “The Planet Of All Women Drivers, I Know How I Would Die” – berger inferno

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You Laugh, But This Is How We Decided to Invade Iraq

Guy #1: So are we gonna make out later? I’m going back to LA; we’ll never have to see each other again.
Girl: No, I don’t think so.
Guy #2: Yes! That’s a maybe!

–The Delancey, Delancey between Clinton & Attorney
Headline by: Kane, OKC

Runners-Up:
· “At the Clubs He Goes to, Pepper Spray to the Face Means ‘I Love You'” – Bardley
· “Breaking News: Harsh No/Yes Polarity Outlawed in LA” – LoneRhino
· “Governor Schwarzenegger, Would You Please Take the Stand?” – not a terminator fan.
· “His Glass Is Half Full… Of GHB” – Panthea
· “Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt’s Final Conversation” – QueenNisha
· “Surprisingly ‘Between Clinton & Attorney’ Only Describes the Location” – matintin
· “Why the ‘Just Say No’ Policy Failed: Men Were Involved” – Mark Manne
· “Women Are from New York, Men Are from LA” – Alika
· “Yeah, and Maybe We’ll Still Find the WMD” – 999er
· “Yes! He’s Probably Sold His Screenplay, Too! Maybe!” – David Terrenoire

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