Headline Contest Winners

It Smells That Way ‘Cuz St. Peter Was a Fisherman

Little Girl: Mommy, where is heaven?
Ghetto Mommy: Right around the corner from my ass.

–Astoria Blvd

Overheard by: Meg
Headline by: Jim

Runners-Up:
· “A Little ‘Piece’ of Heaven” – Mistress Squidia
· “And on the 28th Day, There Came a Rain of Blood From Heaven…” – smo
· “Cleveland, However, Is Closer to the Armpit.” – Paul Nielsen
· “From Rear to Eternity” – ilemanzer
· “Heaven i’taint.” – Lee
· “Holy Shit” – lounamaa
· “I Don’t Think That’s What Carrie Underwood Meant When She Sang: ‘I Wanna Be Inside Your Heaven'” – Jenny
· “Must Be a ZoroASStrian” – John P.
· “Sample Curriculum from the Sunday School Taught by Mary Kay Letourneau” – steph
· “Suprisingly, More People Get into Heaven Than You’re Led to Believe in Church.” – J.C.
· “Then How Can Godliness Be Next to Cleanliness?” – kelynsh

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People…People Who Read People…Are the Schmuckiest People in the World

JAP #1: Which magazine do we want — People or Us?
JAP #2: I don’t know, let’s get People.
JAP #1: Yeah, People has fewer words in it.

–Kosher Delight Restaurant, 13th Ave, Brooklyn
Headline by: Mary Beth Hanlon

Runners-Up:
· “Also Her Rationale for Rejecting the New Testament” – El Jefe
· “Also How President Bush Chooses His Speeches” – Nicole
· “Brevity Is the Soul of Twit” – Bern
· “But if You Eliminate US Magazine’s Use of ‘Brangelina,’ It’s Like 9 Words, Tops” – Riley Ray
· “But They Buy Playboy for the Articles” – Lalaith
· “Does the Menu Come on Podcast?” – Jodi
· “Jews Against ‘Wholesale Bargain’ Stereotype” – jason
· “Now if They Would Just Caption the Pictures with Other Pictures” – Gadfly22
· “Oy” – Wendy
· “Patiently Waiting Until Cheap Celebrity Gossip is Available Telepathically” – Diane

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Two Honks, a Whistle and a ‘Nice Ass’ Means He Needs Directions

Man in truck: [Honks horn]Rollerblading girl: What the hell does he want from me?
Man in truck: [Wolf whistles] Yeah, baby!
Rollerblading girl: …Oh. Sex.

–50th & Riverside

Overheard by: Vicksburg
Headline by: Jaya

Runners-Up:
· “And That’s How I Met Your Father… and Your Father. Oh, and Your Father Too.” – michael Levy
· “He Puts the ‘F’ in ‘Keep on Trucking'” – LadyP
· “I Knew Those Knee Pads Would Come in Handy!” – jackster
· “In Germany It Means ‘Let’s Play Scrabble Sometime'” – briguy
· “It’s Called a Chevy Pick-Up” – jason
· “Next on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom: Mating Calls of the North American Teamster” – Tom Beckett
· “Pointing at Your Crotch Just Doesn’t Say It Anymore” – Bevan
· “The Etymology of ‘Horny'” – wavyfrog
· “They Usually Want To Discuss Dialectical Materialism” – International Man of Leisure
· “Well That, and Directions to Maryland” – that1dude
· “What’s Wrong With a Little Four by Foreplay?” – Elle

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

He Never Did Figure Out Why the Blue Wouldn’t Come Off

Teen guy on cell: Yeah, we should catch a movie. I gotta wash my balls first, though… No, that’s fine. We can go to a party, but I gotta wash my balls.

–Manhattan bound N train

Overheard by: Caryn
Headline by: Dustin

Runners-Up:
· “‘Cuz When I Party, I Go Balls Out!” – MYRock
· “…Just in Case There’s a Sack Race” – Rob
· “Can You Assist Me With the Blow Drying Process?” – Bored Beyond Belief
· “Cleanliness Is Next to the Perineum” – brazos
· “Fratboy Etiquette, in a Nutshell” – Hellespont
· “He Started Playing Billiards Just For the Double Entendres.” – j
· “How to Spot a Dedicated Golfer” – TJ
· “I Hate to Tell Him, But Crabs Isn’t Something You Can Just Wash Off…” – J.B.
· “In Case It’s a Boston Teabag Party” – slappy
· “OCDeez Nuts” – Courtney
· “Or Get a Dog and Some Peanut Butter” – Corydon

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Where the Eggrolls Are Called Bay of Pigs in a Blanket

Foodie: Have you ever been to China Grill?
Non-Foodie: Is that Cuban food?

–62nd & Broadway
Headline by: clarence rosario

Runners-Up:
· “You’re Confusing ‘Boat People’ With the ‘Cardboard Raft’ People” – Jo Jo
· “Close, But No Cigar” – andrew harrison
· “Con-Fusion Cuisine” – Greg Costello
· “Either Way You Feel Oppressed Again an Hour Later.” – Syd O
· “May I Take Your New World Order?” – jason daniel
· “Michelin Should Have Never Named it the Red Guide” – Fes
· “Public-School Geography Teachers Do Lunch.” – Doctor Whom
· “Sum Dim People Think So” – Constant Irritant

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Dy’man in the Rough

Yellow cab driver, leaning out window: Hey.
Gypsy cab driver: Yeah?
Yellow cab driver: Uh, West Side Highway?
Gypsy cab driver: Ri’on Dy’man.
Yellow cab driver: What?
Gypsy cab driver: Right on Dyckman.
Yellow cab driver: Oh! Okay.
Gypsy cab driver: Fuckin’ tourists.

–204th & Broadway

Overheard by: amused passenger

Headline by: NYwannabe

Runners-Up:
· “GPS: Gypsy Positioning System–Taxi Technology of the Future” – also amused
· “Adventure Tourism For Rich People With Everything” – Julie
· “Headline Be Damned, I’m Shocked There Were 2 Cabs in Inwood!” – erak
· “Hey, My Mother Was a Fucking Tourist” – Eugene
· “Real NYC Cabbies Just Head in the Wrong Direction” – Gary
· “So I Guess Asking For Grey Poupon Is Out of the Question” – Jen
· “They Never Come to a Complete Glottal Stop” – markle

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Except in This One, It’s Okay For Beaker and Dr. Bunsen to Experiment With Kermit

Tourist husband: So what is this show about?
Tourist wife: I believe it’s like a Muppets story.

—Avenue Q, Golden Theater, W 45th St

Overheard by: Jose
Headline by: Michael

Runners-Up:
· “The Muppets Take Manhattan, Roll It Over, Pull Its Hair and Make It Call Them ‘Daddy’” – Colin McCleod
· “…And Miss Saigon Is About a Beauty Pageant” – bri b
· “And Porn Is Like a Plumbing Story” – jdw
· “And the Dinner You Took Me to at Olive Garden? That Was Like Italian.” – Andy Klingenberger
· “Avenue Q Tickets: $120. The Looks on Vernon and Estelle’s Faces When They Hear ‘The Internet is for Porn’: Priceless” – what i wouldn’t give to watch them watch the show
· “Everyone’s a Little Misinformed” – ian
· “Maybe If the Muppets Took Fire Island” – Broomrider
· “The Same Way That Debbie Does Dallas Is a Travel Documentary” – Kristin Sacre
· “Today’s Letters Are S, E and X, and the Number Is 69” – Iain, London

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

And Schindler’s List Has Nudity!

Mother: We need to find Sound of Music for your brother.
Child: No! I want to watch Star Wars.
Mother: You can watch this. It has Nazis!

–Kim’s Video, Morningside Heights

Headline by: J Laks

Runners-Up:
· “And Bambi’s About Guns” – dei
· “And Then We’ll Watch Rent. It has lawyers!” – Nick V.
· “But Cover Your Ears During “My Favorite Things”; I’m Not Ready to Expose You to That.” – manisha
· “Gene Siskel Declares: ‘It’s a Gas!'” – erak
· “Hayden Christensen’s Acting Caused Far More Deaths, Though” – s himself
· “Now Put on Your Swastika Armband; We’re Going to See Grandpa” – phil
· “See, Sweetie, Your Brother’s Not Gay; He Just Advocates White Supremacy.” – LC
· “The Promotional Tagline That Never Quite Made It…” – Julie Holt

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

I’m Pretty Sure She Meant ‘Inconvenient’

Ghetto girl #1: So I took [the iPod].
Ghetto girl #2: See, if it was sitting on top I would take it, but I wouldn’t go through their bag. That’s just inconsiderate.

–Downtown D train

Overheard by: Brian
Headline by: Lisa

Runners-Up:
· “But When I Stabbed Her I Kept My Pinkie Finger Sticking Out” – tech98
· “Comes With Nano-Sized Morals and Earbuds to Block Out the Sounds of Your Cellmates” – Mia A.
· “If You Still Want to Listen to Nelly Furtado, Steal Another iPod Within 12 Hours” – Hunter North
· “It’s Not Like It Was Tied to His Wheelchair All That Tightly Either” – corey mcpubes
· “It’s Only Rape If She’s Wearing Undewear” – john
· “Martha Says: ‘When Jacking Someone’s Tunes, It’s Proper to Leave an Origami Swan in Their Bag. It’s a Good Thing.'” – Jatmos
· “Maybe She Was Borrowing It From a Friend, You Racist Fucks” – ceci
· “She’s Practicing So She Knows How to Get Time Off For Good Behavior” – Shane
· “That Reminds Me of the Time I Found a Walkman Next to a Dead Rollerblader.” – Hobo Whisperer
· “There’s a Big Difference Between Stealing and Stealing” – Piret
· “When I Turned the Bag Upside Down, It Was on Top. DUH!” – Redneck Jedi

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

I Couldn’t Find the Roman Numerals on my Keyboard, so I Used Exclamation Marks

Teen boy: Well, I tend to write more sloppily.
Teen girl: Sloppily!? Is that even a word?
Teen boy: It’s an adverb.
Teen girl: Yes, but I said, “Is that even a word?”

–Downtown 1 train

Overheard by: Trying not to laugh outloud
Headline by: Liz-a-saurus

Runners-Up:
· “I Can’t Keep up. It’s Like English Has a Different Word For Everything” – john
· “Another Blow to the Adverb Civil Rights Campaign” – Susan
· “It Depends on What Your Definition of ‘Is’ Is…” – NTM
· “Only For Handwriting and Prostitution” – scott
· “Right After That, he Prepositioned Her” – Brik
· “She Gave up on School to Focus on Getting Pregnant” – ak
· “That White Flag You See Is From the Makers of Schoolhouse Rock” – Amanda
· “Wait, I Didn’t Understand. I Had Your Dick in my Ear.” – JBunny
· “Well at Least You’ve Got Great Tits” – Peter
· “You Sure Ask a Lot of Questions For Someone With no Forehead” – weston

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

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