Larger, Lovelier Wednesday One-Liners

Fat lady elbowing her way onto train: Shit, they need to get some bigger subway cars.

–6 train, 28th St

Wife to hubby, after daughter got up from table: She still has a big ass and thighs, but she’s getting better.

–City Bakery, W 18th St

Overheard by: katherine

Man holding huge burger in small bun: Dude! This is like a fat man in spandex!

–Upper West Side

Blonde rubbing grouchy guy’s head: I’m sorry, baby, but you know how I get around fat people, and those two women were huge! Just disgusting!

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Ryan

Hobo: Anyone have a dollar? Anyone? I’m askin’ because all you ladies are beautiful. I don’t bother with ugly people or fat people! They just have problems. Their wife is cheating on them? It’s my fault! No, I just walk on by all those fat people.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: Colleen

Mom to six-year-old son: Junk food is crap. If you eat it, you will be fat. Like Mommy.

–Central Park

Posted on March 12, 2008
Advice, Ass, Body Parts, Central Park, Compliments, Couples, Default, Diet/Weight, Fashion, Fat People, Gripes, Hobos, Junk Food & Fast Food, Men, Moms, On the Subway, Panhandling, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women

Wednesday One-Liners You Just Wanna Pat on the Head

Drunk girl: I think he uses his cancer to be cute.

–Bourgeois Pig, MacDougal St

Freak show barker: I hate cute ventriloquism.

–Outside Coney Island Freak Show

Overheard by: Miss Carrie

Girl, about three-year-old nearby: He’s so cute, I want to kidnap him!

–PATH train

Woman: … And then he pulled out a gun and threatened to kill me. It was so cute.

–Ruby Foo’s, 49th & 8th

Overheard by: Heather

Man to toddler girl: That’s what politicians do. They try to look cute.

–Smith & Union, Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Posted on March 12, 2008
Artists, Brooklyn, Cancer, Coney Island, Crime and Punishment, Default, Drunks, Girls, Gripes, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Politics, Restaurants & Cafes, Shoot, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Violence, Weirdness, Women

Perhaps Not for You

Crazy old man selling bubble guns: Welcome to Coney Island!
Emo teen: This isn’t Coney Island!

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: smirkingonlooker

Posted on February 29, 2008
Comebacks, Crazies, Default, Lies, Men, NYC Geography, Old People, Teens, The Village

But Isn’t That Malt Liquor in Your Carriage?

Black woman with baby carriage to people trying to push in: What’s the matter with you mothafuckahs? Are the goddamn stairs broken?
Old black man: You take the stairs, bitch! I’m a veteran! I fought for my goddamn country, and now you won’t make room for me in a goddamn elevator?! [Doors close, leaving old black man out.]Black woman with baby carriage: Fuck his old ass. Women and children first.

–Civil Court, 141 Livingston St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on February 28, 2008
Age/Aging, Black People, Brooklyn, Comebacks, Default, Gripes, Health and Hygiene, Men, Old People, War, Women

The Parable of Wednesday and the One-Liners

Voice on PA system: Attention — if you want to preach, we ask that you please move around the boat. Again, don’t stand in one place; please continue moving around the boat if you want to preach.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Kate

Crazy guy: Ladies and gentlemen, the Bible says that the fire will come in the form of locusts. Ladies and gentlemen, the Apache helicopter created by the U.S. Army is in the shape of locusts. If you don’t believe me, look it up. Please believe me, ladies and gentlemen…

–2 train

Overheard by: beeloo

God Squad guy: Let Jesus be your lawyer! OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson — what did they have? Good lawyers! On Judgment Day, you’re going to need a lawyer! Let Jesus represent you!

–Roosevelt Ave station

Overheard by: How come Jesus didn’t represent himself at the Crucifiction?

Black Jewish preacher: Bad boy, bad boy — whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when Jesus come for you?

–21st St

Man: Everything you see belongs to the Lord. He is willing to save your soul. [Cell phone rings, and he answers] Hi, honey… I’m in the Bronx, preaching… I told you last night, remember? I said, ‘God is telling me to preach in the Bronx.’ Yes, I did tell you! [Hisses] You never fucking listen!

–6 train

Posted on February 27, 2008
About Celebrities, Advice, Anger Management, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Default, God Squad, Jesus, Jews, Men, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Religion, Staten Island Ferry, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Weirdness

Okay, One More Time — There Are Two Kinds of Pies

Man #1: No one is going to eat this pie.
Man #2: Yeah, someone will.
Man #1: Well, not after I finger-fuck it!

–Union Square

Posted on February 26, 2008
Default, Food, Men, Sex, Union Square and East Village

I Launder It with My Money

Woman: Do you smell that? That’s the smell of crime and corruption.
Man: That’s the smell of my underwear.

–Union Square

Posted on February 24, 2008
Comebacks, Default, Men, Scents of the City, Union Square and East Village, Women

Really Takes Me Back to My Gangbang Days at Vassar

Woman: No more room! Stop pushing! No more room!
Man on platform: Aw, baby, you don’t mean that!

–7 train, 74th St & Roosevelt Ave stop

Overheard by: Peter Holby

Posted on February 23, 2008
Comebacks, Creepsters, Default, Gripes, Men, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Strangers, Women

I Can Say with Absolute Certainty That You Are Wrong

Man: You’re not mad at me?
Woman: Nah. I can’t get mad at you, ’cause I look in your face and know you’re not a valiscious person. You don’t mean it. Some people, though — some people are just downright valiscious.

–30th & Madison

Overheard by: Unrelenting Monkey

Posted on February 22, 2008
Anger Management, Default, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Philosophy, Questions, Women, Words

It Had Boobs Painted on It

Woman: You don’t remember me, do you?
Older man: Your face looks familiar…
Woman: You saw me running down the street naked last weekend.
Older man: Why would I remember your face, then?

–Ditmars Blvd, Astoria

Overheard by: Lauren

Posted on February 22, 2008
Astoria, Comebacks, Default, Men, Nudity, Old People, Women

Men