Big black man: I think I like you. You have an aura, a glow. I like you.
Little Asian girl: That’s just perspiration.
–Queens-bound E train
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
Big black man: I think I like you. You have an aura, a glow. I like you.
Little Asian girl: That’s just perspiration.
–Queens-bound E train
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
Man lunging at woman walking dog about to step on manhole cover: Don’t let him walk on that!
Woman: What are you doing?!
Man: Sometimes they have electricity running through them!
Woman: What?
Man: Do you want your dog to get shocked?!
–14th & 7th
Overheard by: Brigdh
Hipster guy: If he would have asked me that in an interview, I would have pulled down my pants and shat on his foot.
–N 5th & Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Tall, distraught man: Great! Now I have to hold off poopin’ for another two hours.
–Penn Station
Sleep-deprived student to friend: There is something wrong with your bowel movements!
–Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Bailey
Booming voice from dark alley: Well, I’ll be dipped in shit!
–2nd Ave, LES
Overheard by: caroline
Man on cell: Don’t go near the elevator. There’s a pile of doo-doo there. I tried to clean it up the best I could, but there’s still some there. Be careful. I don’t want you to smear it.
–Essex St
NYU student to friend: Of course I didn’t poop in the shower… I pooped in the toilet, then put it in the shower!
–8th & Mercer
Overheard by: Alex
Fat lady elbowing her way onto train: Shit, they need to get some bigger subway cars.
–6 train, 28th St
Wife to hubby, after daughter got up from table: She still has a big ass and thighs, but she’s getting better.
–City Bakery, W 18th St
Overheard by: katherine
Man holding huge burger in small bun: Dude! This is like a fat man in spandex!
–Upper West Side
Blonde rubbing grouchy guy’s head: I’m sorry, baby, but you know how I get around fat people, and those two women were huge! Just disgusting!
–Metro-North
Overheard by: Ryan
Hobo: Anyone have a dollar? Anyone? I’m askin’ because all you ladies are beautiful. I don’t bother with ugly people or fat people! They just have problems. Their wife is cheating on them? It’s my fault! No, I just walk on by all those fat people.
–Brooklyn-bound L train
Overheard by: Colleen
Mom to six-year-old son: Junk food is crap. If you eat it, you will be fat. Like Mommy.
–Central Park
Drunk girl: I think he uses his cancer to be cute.
–Bourgeois Pig, MacDougal St
Freak show barker: I hate cute ventriloquism.
–Outside Coney Island Freak Show
Overheard by: Miss Carrie
Girl, about three-year-old nearby: He’s so cute, I want to kidnap him!
–PATH train
Woman: … And then he pulled out a gun and threatened to kill me. It was so cute.
–Ruby Foo’s, 49th & 8th
Overheard by: Heather
Man to toddler girl: That’s what politicians do. They try to look cute.
–Smith & Union, Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Crazy old man selling bubble guns: Welcome to Coney Island!
Emo teen: This isn’t Coney Island!
–14th & Broadway
Overheard by: smirkingonlooker
Black woman with baby carriage to people trying to push in: What’s the matter with you mothafuckahs? Are the goddamn stairs broken?
Old black man: You take the stairs, bitch! I’m a veteran! I fought for my goddamn country, and now you won’t make room for me in a goddamn elevator?! [Doors close, leaving old black man out.]Black woman with baby carriage: Fuck his old ass. Women and children first.
–Civil Court, 141 Livingston St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
Voice on PA system: Attention — if you want to preach, we ask that you please move around the boat. Again, don’t stand in one place; please continue moving around the boat if you want to preach.
–Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Kate
Crazy guy: Ladies and gentlemen, the Bible says that the fire will come in the form of locusts. Ladies and gentlemen, the Apache helicopter created by the U.S. Army is in the shape of locusts. If you don’t believe me, look it up. Please believe me, ladies and gentlemen…
–2 train
Overheard by: beeloo
God Squad guy: Let Jesus be your lawyer! OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson — what did they have? Good lawyers! On Judgment Day, you’re going to need a lawyer! Let Jesus represent you!
–Roosevelt Ave station
Overheard by: How come Jesus didn’t represent himself at the Crucifiction?
Black Jewish preacher: Bad boy, bad boy — whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when Jesus come for you?
–21st St
Man: Everything you see belongs to the Lord. He is willing to save your soul. [Cell phone rings, and he answers] Hi, honey… I’m in the Bronx, preaching… I told you last night, remember? I said, ‘God is telling me to preach in the Bronx.’ Yes, I did tell you! [Hisses] You never fucking listen!
–6 train
Man #1: No one is going to eat this pie.
Man #2: Yeah, someone will.
Man #1: Well, not after I finger-fuck it!
–Union Square
Woman: Do you smell that? That’s the smell of crime and corruption.
Man: That’s the smell of my underwear.
–Union Square
