Men

Dog Shit is Bullshit (A NYC Short Story)

White woman: You see why I don’t live in Manhattan, especially on the Upper East Side.
White man: Why is that?
White woman: Too many freaking dogs. Everybody and their mother have a goddamn dog. The Upper East Side smells like dog shit and these people will not clean up after their dogs.
White man: I know what you mean. Too many dogs.
White woman: These people should be shot for not cleaning up after their dogs. They should not be allowed to own an animal if they can’t clean up after it. What, rich and snobbish people aren’t allowed to pick up dog crap, is that it?
White man: Well, at least the West Side is not so bad.
White woman: I’m not sure it is any better.

–80th & 3rd

Wednesday One-liners Are a Perfect Match

Teen girl: Yeah, and then I woke up in a pool of his vomit. It was awesome.

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: SammyCat

Construction worker on cell: Yeah, she walked right in…Man, I was friggin’ jerking off!…No. She stayed and watched…Of course I’m calling her again.

–53rd & Lexington

Man on cell: She and I both got diarrhea at 11:00 exactly. I mean, we’re like E.T. and Elliot.

–20th & 5th

Girl on cell: I’m telling you, watching my boyfriend get head was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen!

–F train

Overheard by: seraphina

Obviously Has Never Seen a CBS “Comedy”

Third baseman: What’s so funny?
Benched teammate: I’m high, retard. Everything’s fuckin’ funny.

–145th & Lenox Avenue softball field

It’s Usually Running and Away from the Bronx

Pedicab guy: It’s a great day for a ride in Central Park. Want a ride?
Man: How much to the Bronx?

–Columbus Circle

Nor Should We Have Made Her Senator

Man #1: Man, I really hate that bitch.
Man #2: Well, you shouldn’t have married her then.

–Union Square

cf. “Husband”

Boy: We’re watching Pimp My Ride.
Man: What does “pimp” mean?
Boy: It’s someone who owns women.

–Washington Square Village

The Irony is That She Could Call That “Living”

Woman: Wow, I’ve never been that close to a real arrest before!
Man: Neither have I.
Woman: This shit always happens in the city. Thank God I don’t have to put up with it anymore, now that I live in Jersey City.
Man: Uh huh…
Woman: The irony is, I’m just on my way home from my shrink! Ha, ha!

–F train

Let’s Not Forget the Death by Diarrhea

Woman: So where should I move to?
Man: Ethiopia.
Woman: Nah. They always have famines there.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Greg

Eat, Drink, Wednesday One-liners

British chick: I just solved my lunch problem, because I hate raw cheese.

–27th Street office

Guy: Bitch, you better give me back my donuts or I’ll pull out your weave.

–Washington Heights

Overheard by: Vinson Guthreau

Guy: Nothing like going to Chuck E. Cheese to make you start drinking again.

–82nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: JY

Lady: This is a yuppie McDonald’s. It’s all middle class people here.

–McDonald’s, 47th Street

Overheard by: Christa Bramberger

As a Brooklyn Brewery delivery truck passed a toddler on the sidewalk yelled: I love beer!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: tee sul

Bartender: If the Burp Castle ever closes it means the death of classical music in New York.

–Burp Castle bar, E. 7th Street

Guy on cell: Is this like that time where Laura told me that cat food was Lucky Charms?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Cynthia

Conceived While Mom Yelled “No” and Dad Yelled “Yes”

Guy: Yeah, they had the baby, named her Maybe, and–
Girl: Wait, they named her Maybe? As in M-A-Y-B-E?
Guy: Uh, yeah. Maybe. But I think it might be spelled differently.
Girl: That’s odd, really a weird baby name.
Guy: Yes, yes it is. But it’s sort of like, maybe she’s theirs, maybe she’s not.

–L train

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