Dwarf with walking disability: Could you go upstairs and get me a glass of water?
Man: Water? To drink?
Dwarf: Yeah, to drink. What do you think I’m gonna do with it, wash my hair?
Nearby woman: You could swim in it, I guess.
–Abington Theatre Lobby
Overheard by: Chris
Mid-20s girl: I never date a guy who gets more than three questions wrong on the SATs. I don’t plan it, it just works out that way.
–23rd & 8th
Overheard by: Limey
Hipster on cell: I went through this time when I was like, ‘I could have 800 girlfriends at the same time and just not tell them about each other.’ That was much easier…
–Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Guy pointing to nothing in particular on the sidewalk: Uh, dude, you dropped your girlfriend.
–Times Square
Overheard by: christine
Muslim woman in full abaya, dragging husband along: Right now I need to focus on my needs. Do you hear me? This is about my needs!
–Atlantic Ave, in front of Brooklyn Heights YMCA
Man to woman on the sidewalk: Well, we had our one, but it wasn’t so much a fight as it was a mini-series.
–12th, between 6th & 5th
Overheard by: Karen
Girl: My asshole boyfriend! I was just staying with him until Valentine’s Day so that I could get a present, and tomorrow he’s history! But then I didn’t even get that!
–NYU Silver Center
Woman on crowded train: They’re gonna make me eat the pole.
–E train
Overheard by: wish i had a pole to hold on to
Man to androgynous passenger: Are we going out on a date later? Because if we aren’t, you better get off of me!
–Crowded Q27 bus
Conductor on PA: To put it simply, get in where you fit in!
–C train
Overheard by: Maggie
Bus driver: Move it back, people, it’s crowded. It’s gonna get tight back there. But you know what I always say — ‘If it’s tight, it’s alright.’
–10th St & Ave D
Conductor, as his crowded train pulls into the station: Well, whaddya know?! More people.
–F train, Broadway & Lafayette
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Conductor: Please step out onto the platform to enter the first five cars… [Couple tries to go through conductor’s booth.] Please step out onto the platform… [Couple keeps trying to open door.] Please step out onto the platform! [Couple tries again.] Step out onto the platform! Oh my god!
–1 train
Conductor to two girls getting off train but lingering on platform: What’s the matter, ladies, you don’t like my traaain?
–6 train stop, 51st & Lex
Conductor on stopped train: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be moving really, really, really, really, really shortly. [Long, resigned sigh] I hope.
–L train
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Bored conductor: Welcome to Times Square, crossroads of the universe.
–7 train
Male conductor: Good morning and God bless. Have a happy Valentine’s Day, especially all you ladies.
–A train
Overheard by: Rita
Conductor: Fordham, this is the Fordham stop. You may exit here, but please, no new passengers are to get on at this stop. Sir, I said no passengers may get on the train… Anyone wearing a brown jacket may not get on at this stop. Sir, you, in the brown jacket. I see you. Yes, you sir, in the brown jacket who just got on the train. Of course I’m talking to you, genius… Thank you. Grand Central, next stop.
–Metro-North
Overheard by: Carol Ann
Black security guard: Hello, and welcome to Urban Outfitters. Break it down, break it down, break it down, break it down, break it down…
–Urban Outfitters, 6th Ave
Security guy to woman whose bag is in the machine: Lady, there is something Batman-shaped in your bag. Do you have Batman in your bag? Are you aware that you are not allowed to take American heroes out of the country?
–LaGuardia
Overheard by: Susan
Big security guard: Put your IDs in the air! … And wave ’em around like you just don’t care!
–NYU SIlver Building
Security guard, into walkie talkie: Ice, get your balls out of your wife’s purse, and kick that guy out!
–Music Hall of Williamsburg, Jonathan Richman concert
Overheard by: j-bones
Conductor: Attention, everyone, we are not interviewing for train conductors! Stop trying to control the doors — that’s my job. We are, however, seeking passengers. Please enter the train and sit down to be interviewed for that position.
–1 train, 125th St
Overheard by: Jeff McCrum
Clearly intoxicated girl: I decided to go from working to doing a lot of drugs…
–42nd & 8th
Overheard by: ADA
20-something: You know, I’m just lucky I have a job at all! I mean, I did go to state school!
–Morton & Hudson
Overheard by: Sam
Emo teen, running taking pictures: See, this is why I got fired from American Apparel — because I would come into work acting like this!
–Vanessa’s Dumplings, E 14th & 3rd
Overheard by: Maggie Elisabeth
Lady on a Bluetooth: Girl, you’ve got CEO dreams with a McDonald’s work ethic.
–W 60th St, between Columbus & Broadway
Loud man to loud friends: It was just him running around getting punched in his codpiece and yelling, ‘You killed my father.’ Yeah, I think he has a new job now.
–109th & Amsterdam
Man: It just got to the point that if I took another bite, it would explode all over me, so I shoved the whole thing in my mouth. [Woman eating ice cream cone snickers.]
–Central Park
Tourist woman: How do I get to Times Square?
Skinny blonde: Take a train as far north as possible.
Asian male passerby: You do not want to do that.
Tourist woman: Why do New Yorkers always lie?!
Skinny blonde: I’m not from here. I live in L.A. Everyone there lies.
Tourist woman: So how do you know where to go?
Skinny blonde: We’re all psychic, too.
–42nd & 8th
Man: How’s this?
Woman: Like that, but way more sequins. It’s got to catch the eye!
–Kohl’s, Bay Parkway, Brooklyn
Man #1: We’re getting our floors redone — walnut hardwood.
Man #2: Sounds like a party.
Man #1: Actually, there will probably be a bunch of Mexicans doing it, so more of a fiesta.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Jakob Wells
