Parents

Thug dad to toddler after bumping stroller down stairs: I call that there ride ‘The Earthquake.’ You like that? … Well, see, you’re too young to appreciate the magnitude of what just happened.

–A train

Overheard by: Stephie

Ghetto mom to seven-year-old kid: You don’t know how to hustle! You ain’t no hustler, she ain’t no hustler… No hustlin’.

–137th & Broadway

Overheard by: should she be saying that to a 7 year old?

Mom to eight-year-old daughter: This is not about apostrophes! This is about verbal agreement!

–F train at Broadway-Lafayette

Mom to son climbing on ferry railing: You wanna jump? I’ll throw you. Then I ain’t gotta buy you no Power Ranger.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: autumn

Mother to three-year-old trailing behind: Stay close, baby, you know how ferry men like to take little boys.

–Whitehall Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Overheard by: Ryn

Mom: Boy, don’t you listen? I swear, I will tear your ass up on this bus in front of everyone if you don’t behave. [Kid ignores her, and mom pulls out cell.] Fine, I’ll call Santa on yo’ misbehavin’ ass.

–BX 21 bus

Woman holding child’s hand: You’re my daughter, right? Okay, good.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Nervous

Rich girl on cell: Three thousand for a one bedroom?! … That’s fine. I’m mad at my dad anyway.

–Q train to Coney Island

Guy to buddy: My father was a virgin the first time he had sex!

–86th & Park

Overheard by: you sure he still isnt?

JAP on cell: No, I’m not texting him back! I was more impressed by his father’s West Village brownstone than the sex we had in it.

–79th & Park

Overheard by: vibrant

Dude: Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? My belly button, thank you!

–Bronx-bound 2 train

Overheard by: Niv

Woman on cell: Ah, but you are the father of many things, just as I am the mother of many things.

–26th & Park Ave South

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Big guy with Puerto Rican flag do-rag and huge stuffed animal, to small child: Don’tchu breaka my big Tweety. You breaka my big Tweety, I kill ju father.

–Coney Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: tommy z

Mom: Remember, I am the mother and you are the child.
Son: Yes, little girl.

–Broadway

Overheard by: Ally

Father, dragging four-year-old daughter across street: Come on! [Little girl trips.] Oh!
Mother, from behind: What happened?
Father: She wasn’t paying attention!
Mother: Sarah, this is what happens when you’re eating your shirt and looking the wrong way! You smack into the curb!

–E 15th & Irving Pl

Ghetto chick #1: When I have kids I’m going to beat them.
Ghetto chick #2: Yeah, my mama and daddy beat me, and it showed me right.
Ghetto chick #1: Me, too. I came out fine.
Ghetto chick #2: You know what happens when you don’t beat your kids? Columbine.

–Pace University, Spruce St

Overheard by: cleybold

Father to three-year-old son: The ruler of the universe says to stop chattering.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Scolding mother to little son as she yanks him along: You tryin’ to be hip? You tryin’ to be a hipster? Is that how they do it?

–Prospect Park

Mom to infant who keeps dropping his toy: Okay, let’s try this — how ’bout I throw you on the ground?!

–13th & 5th

Mother to chatty child: Don’t you have your pacifier? So pacify!

–Kingsborough Community College, Brooklyn

Child-free woman to stranger’s crying baby: Oh, wait, things get much worse.

–Throggs Neck, Bronx

Overheard by: Jeri

Six-year-old girl, grabbing a Bud Light: Daddy, can I get this?
Four-year-old sister: Yeah, can I have one too, Daddy?
Dad: Not right now, but if you two are good, I’ll get you a keg later.
Mom: I’d be down for that.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Jas

Woman, about guy in giant pirate hat: Maybe he works in a seafood restaurant… It’s that or his mom didn’t love him enough.

–Ditmars stop, N train

Overheard by: fan of the hat

Woman to friend: I don’t deserve to have ACS called on me! I’m a good mom! Sort of.

–Astoria Park Track, Astoria

Overheard by: Bridgettttttt

Loud man on cell: Can you hear me? Your mother! Can you hear me now? No? Your mother!

–83rd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Loud and Clear

Large black lady running down crowded street: My mama didn’t raise me right!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: anna

Mom to young boy being polite to strangers: Come on, Christopher! Let’s go! People can hold the door open for themselves!

–Barnes & Noble, 7th Ave, Brooklyn

Mom to little son: You think you can do whatever you want?! You came outta my pussy, I sure as hell didn’t come outta yours!

–Magic Johnson Theater, Harlem

Angry dad pulling five-year-old son away from ‘Imagine’ circle: That’s for John Lennon, not for you!

–John Lennon Memorial, Central Park

Overheard by: For Cereal.

Angry mother to six-year-old girl: Kids get murdered! Kids get raped! Life is not free!

–125th St station, 4/5/6 platform

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Father to three-year-old son: You pinky-promised you wouldn’t act like a bastard!

–Bronx Zoo

Overheard by: Y G B S M

Mom with screaming kids: Come over here! Come over here and pick out which soap you want, because it’s going in your mouth!

–D’Agostino

Overheard by: dank

Mother to four-year-old son: Rodney! Leave that lady alone. She don’t want you. [Grabs son’s arm] I should have read the fine print when I adopted you.

–Jerome & Clinton

Little girl: Mommy, can we steal these?
Mother: Not today.

–N train

Overheard by: Shannon

Headline by: chris s.

Runners-Up:
· “Daddy and Timmy Take Mondays” – torqued
· “Monday’s Child Is Fair Of Face, Tuesday’s Child Robs the Place” – h
· “Remember, Rape First, Then Pillage.” – Kristen
· “Today, Mommy’s Going to Teach You How to Turn Tricks!” – jane
· “We’re Just Casing The Joint Today, Sweetie” – Paul K.
· “When Winona Learned Not to Ask” – Tory
· “Would You Pay Attention to the Calendar I Gave You?” – sr86

Click here to see the new Headline Contest