Little girl: Mommy, I’m hot. Can we swim in there?
Mom: No, sweetie. Everyone in New York poops in that river.
–Ferry to Ellis Island
Dude on cell: He just ate the whole freaking diaper? So, he just shit it out in little pieces?
–Red Rock Bar, 17th & 10th
Overheard by: Scooby-Don’t
Pedestrian #1, covering nose: Why can’t people take a damn shower?!
Pedestrian #2: Why can’t some people not shit in the street?
–Outside Radio City Music Hall
Overheard by: AA
Hipster guy: If he would have asked me that in an interview, I would have pulled down my pants and shat on his foot.
–N 5th & Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Tall, distraught man: Great! Now I have to hold off poopin’ for another two hours.
–Penn Station
Sleep-deprived student to friend: There is something wrong with your bowel movements!
–Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Bailey
Booming voice from dark alley: Well, I’ll be dipped in shit!
–2nd Ave, LES
Overheard by: caroline
Man on cell: Don’t go near the elevator. There’s a pile of doo-doo there. I tried to clean it up the best I could, but there’s still some there. Be careful. I don’t want you to smear it.
–Essex St
NYU student to friend: Of course I didn’t poop in the shower… I pooped in the toilet, then put it in the shower!
–8th & Mercer
Overheard by: Alex
MTA worker, holding bucket: Hey! Buddy, did you take a shit over there by that machine?
Hobo, laughing: Not yet!
–A/C/E/L station, 14th & 8th
Overheard by: JayBee
Lady on cell: Well, would you still say no if I told you I’d shove graphite up your ass? Oh, you would? Yeah, I mean literally up your ass. You’d still say no? Well, I guess that means I’m coming over tonight, then… And did you want me to bring takeout? Maybe lasagna?
–Dressing room, Anthropologie
Meathead: Yo, 50 foot of chain and a tow-rig couldn’t pull my tongue out of her ass.
–Bleecker & Sullivan
Overheard by: The Greek
Lady suit: No, no… You get it up the butt… You get all the nutrients up the butt.
–43rd & 9th
Overheard by: tinyfoo
Chick on cell: Who wants to shove shit up themselves for seven days?!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Ladle
Woman exiting elevator, to friend: Yeah, I love you, but you have got to keep your fingers out of my ass.
–Lobby of MCNY, Canal & Varick
Girl yuppie to boy yuppie: The only way he did it was by taking suppositories before every walk.
–9th & 3rd
Overheard by: brigdh
Old guy, after being bumped by passerby: Fucking asshole! Get that shit out of your ass! Stop using those damn tampons!
–23rd & 3rd
Girl: Yeah, the room in the apartment is only four hundred bucks a month.
Guy: No way! No place in the city is only four hundred a month. You probably have to shit in the bathtub.
–Bainbridge & Malcolm X, Brooklyn
Jock #1: Man I would be pissed, too, if there was poo-poo in my shoe-shoe.
Jock #2: Yeah, dude. Totally.
–Manhattan College, Bronx
Woman to friend: I’ll poop on them! I’ll poop all over anyone or anything — that’s not the problem. Just please don’t cut my vagina!
–34th St
Overheard by: tori
High school kid: So, we’re on the train and he pulls down and his pants and takes a shit right there on the seat! To top it off, he takes the shit and starts writing with it. He writes ‘This train smells shitty’ with the shit! [After kid leaves with posse, old lady bursts out laughing.]
–McDonald’s, Ditmars
Overheard by: it was her!
Crackhead to no one, checking out lady passerby: Damn, look at that ass! I’d suck the shit outta that ass…
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: wasn’t that nice
Man, pointing to woman’s dog: You have to squeeze his innards to make sure he poops at the right time…
–15th & Union Square West
Overheard by: glad i’m not that dog….
Drunk girl to kneeling friend: I’m gonna shit on your face!
–10th & 3rd
Asian guy: Horse shit is awesome!
–The Met
Spanish chick #1: It’s good to take a shit a few hours before sex.
Spanish chick #2: My anus is feces-free. Dig in!
–Taco Bell, 60th & Northern Blvd
Overheard by: Mariela
