Conductor: This is 81st street. Get off here for the big museum of dead stuff.

–Uptown C Train

Overheard by: Barry P.

PA announcer: Ladies and gentleman, we remind you to please be considerate of other passengers, and please keep your bags off the seats. I am karate trained, and will clear them by force if necessary.

–7 Train Subway Platform

Overheard by: your girl Dunham

Conductor on speakers: This is the 1:34 am last train to Dover. There are two toilets, one in the front and one in the second carriage. Please try your hardest to make it in there. And make sure to get off at your stop. Stay alert people. If you pass out you will end up in Dover.

–Penn Station, NJ Transit

MTA conductor: Near the rear doors, in the blue shirt and black tie, get your saggy stomach clear of the closing doors! 5th Avenue is next.

–E Train, 7th Avenue Station

Overheard by: jeannine

Conductor: Once more, ladies and gentlemen, things that should not be in the doors when they are closing: heads, shoulders, knees or toes, no purses, arms, or slow companions.

–Downtown 6 Train

Conductor: For those of you who don’t know, today is national train appreciation day. I think I deserve a round of applause. (passengers applaud) Now for those of you transferring to the Montauk train, I want you to think about how much more uncomfortable it would be if you had to make that trip by stagecoach.

–LIRR

Overheard by: androgenious