Conductor: You keep holdin’ those doors open, I’ll put this train out of service, then you’ll be walkin’ home!
[Several minutes later, a man is still trying to open the doors with his foot.]Passenger: Yo! Somebody please cut that man’s foot off!
–G Train
Overheard by: Johnny Salami
Boyfriend, racing down the stairs: Oh crap, is that the train? Please not the d, please let it not be the d, please let it not be the fucking d!
Girlfriend, thoughtfully: Well, it doesn't sound like the d…
–34th St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Guy: You know, they’re giving away money on the T train for being nice.
Bimbette: What?
Guy: The T train — they’re giving away money to people who are nice.
Bimbette: Who are?
Guy: The T train.
Bimbette: How can a train give away money?
Guy: Not the train. The people — the train people.
Bimbette: Why would they give away money?
Guy: To encourage people to be nice. They give it to people who do nice things.
Bimbette: Nice things?
Guy: Yeah, like holding open the door, letting someone have your seat — nice things.
Bimbette: How can they just give away money?
Guy: It’s not actual money. They’re gift certificates to Dunkin’ Donuts.
Bimbette: What’s a donut?
Guy: Are you fucking kidding me?
–A train
Overheard by: this imaginary train you speak of sounds nice
Guy: We should totally just trip out on acid and ride the subways all day.
Girl: Which train?
Guy: All of them.
–L Train
Overheard by: BB
Lady suit: Every time I get on the subway there’s always some freak of nature sitting there. I wish they’d do something about that!
–34th & 7th
Dorky teen boy: This is the subway station?! Wow!
–2nd floor, Port Authority
Overheard by: JoBell
Lady suit: If you smoke enough pot, the B Train becomes the Hogwarts Express!
–DeKalb station
Overheard by: jaded
Blonde: I’ve only ever taken the shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square. I’ve never gone East on it. I don’t know how.
–1 train
Overheard by: minerfa
Dad to young son as doors close: Come on, come on, come on! [He holds the closing doors, and they make it inside.] Um, don’t ever do that.
–F train
Overheard by: dianora
Conductor: This is a Brooklyn-bound R train… No! J train… This is a Brooklyn-bound N train. Next stop, DeKalb Avenue. [Passengers laugh.]
–N train, Canal St
Overheard by: Bridgettttttttt
Conductor: The next stop is…155th Street.
–Uptown D train, 170th St
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Conductor, over radio: Hey, Steve, do we have to fill out an unusual occurrence report for being on time?
–Amtrak train out of Penn Station
Overheard by: Mike
Conductor: This is a downtown 4 train making local stops. I repeat, this…Stop looking at me like that, nigga, or I’ll kill yo’ ass…This is a downtown 4 train making local stops…
–Downtown 4 train
Conductor, over loudspeaker: Come on! Step on the train. Don’t just look at the doors. Walk on!
–N train
Overheard by: Lila
Conducter: This is the back! This is the back of the train! The back, as in not the front!
–NJ Transit train, Penn Station
Overheard by: stupid tourist
Conductor: This is South Orange. South Orange. South Orange. [sound of a group of people cheering is heard over the speaker] Hallelujah! Hallelujah! This is South Orange!
–NJ Transit train from Penn Station to Dover
Conductor: We’re being held up by a C train in front of us. If you’re nervous or scared, we’ll be moving to our destination in a moment. No worries!
–Uptown A train
Overheard by: wasn’t too worried
Girl #1: Ew, you’re holding on to the bar?
Girl #2: Yeah, I’m holding on to the bar. If I don’t I’ll fall over.
Girl #1: Ew. That is so gross. That’s like the one thing that grosses me out more than anything.
Girl #2: It’s just a bar.
Girl #1: No, you don’t understand. I would rather have someone pee on my face than touch that thing.
–N train
Old white man: Go ahead, that’s right. Everyone go ahead. Fucking pathetic.
Black girl: Ha, ha. You smell like sardines.
–3 train
Overheard by: Dae Han
Old Asian lady to black man, in thick accent: You stay back! (clutches her purse)
(white girl watching shakes head, laughs in disbelief)
Black man: Oh, like you know what's up, white girl.
White girl: Oh, I'm Jewish. She probably hates me, too. (pause, then sadly) Now the whole train probably hates me.
–1 Train
