Weirdness

Quick Draw Wednesday One-Liners

Young man to lady: So, Anthony told me you got machine gun titties…?

–42nd St station

Overheard by: interested

Crazy lady waving cane at laughing skateboarder: That’s right! Run for your life, motherfucker! I’m on a hunt! And you’re the prey!

–Outside Barnes & Noble, Astor Pl

Overheard by: Sputnik5

Ghetto chick: … And then I got caught on a gun charge because my boyfriend pistol-whipped me when I was pregnant and I took the gun and chased him down the street with it. And you know that drug bust in far Rockaway last year? That shit was me! Haha… And my lawyer got me five years probation and now jail time — he took care of me, ya know? And he was a Jew… You know them Jews — all into they money and shit.

–E train

Little boy on scooter: I believe I can fly! I just got shot by the FBI!

–Lex & Broadway

Man, about freestyling partner: He was like the Mexican version of 50 Cent, ‘cept his name was 537 pesos, and he don’t need no gun — all he gots is his burrito and a hot dog.

–D train, from Coney Island

Overheard by: jennievil

High school girl to her friend: If she didn’t show up for the shooting, she is not going to show up for the bomb scare.

–F train

Unlicensed Wednesday One-Liners

Mom to screaming child: Now, honey, I want you to be yourself, just not to everyone.

–3rd St & Ave B

Overheard by: amanda

British mum to eight-year-old son: Bobby, stop looking at the bloody NASDAQ.

–Outside Toys ‘R’ Us

Loud lady to son: Go stand in line behind that Mexican man! Don’t let him intimidate you!

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: jenmo

Dad to baby in stroller: Did you know that the price of copper is becoming irrelevant?!

–31st & Ditmars, Astoria

Overheard by: Scarfish

Father to young son: Why are you putting your butt on me?

–Brooklyn Industries, 9th & 7th

Man to son: Don’t you tell me to shut up! I just bought you a bunch of Star Wars toys!

–Macy’s

Winning the War Against Space Chickens, One Bird at a Time

Little boy: Is this a fighter plane?
Grandma: No. A fighter plane is quicker and can only fit two people.
Little boy: … Then why are there lasers?

–JFK

Overheard by: Adam Vine Whip

Headline by: Miss Edith

Runners-Up:
· “Dont EVER question lasers” – melissa
· “For the sharks, of course” – Britta
· “In case you start kicking the seat in front of you” – bobofthejungle
· “To Protect Us From Gay Marriage” – ImmaculatePizza

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Vampire Wednesday One-Liners of Sodom

Father to kids cupping statue’s penis: Come on, girls, it’s time to leave. You’ll be lesbians before you know it.

–Time Warner Center

Lesbian to pal: We could be the next big hit! Lesbians on ice!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Putting on her Ice Skating Shoes

Lesbian: You’re upset that the woman could tell we’re dykes. I’m upset that she insulted us because we’re dykes.

–16th & 1st

Drunk redhead trying to hail C train: A hot dog in the hand is worth two lesbians in the bush.

–207th St station

Hobo: Beware the lesbians! They feed at sundown!

–E/V platform, 5th Ave

One Wednesday One-Liner to Live

Lady on cell: … And now I find out that I’m living a double life.

–Waverly & 6th

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

Fake blonde: Just get it. You only live once a year.

–Food Emporium

Overheard by: jason

Conductor: Because of construction this train will be making express stops. The MTA reminds all passengers that to better serve our customers construction will be going on for the rest of your lives.

–F train, Jay St/Borough Hall

Overheard by: Robert

Man to teary-eyed daughter: What’s not important? A camel. What is important? Our lives.

–Starbucks, 42nd St

Overheard by: burnsides

Well We Used It As a Bar

Balding Rangers fan #1: The only piece of furniture left in the house was a stuffed penguin.
Balding Rangers fan #2: A stuffed penguin is not a piece of furniture.

–Metro-North, New Haven Line

Overheard by: M Tod

Tonight I’m Sitting on the Bed Post and Hitting Myself with a Hammer

Queer: Oh my god, he fucked me so hard last night.
Friend: Wait — how hard?
Queer: Like, he literally fucked the shit out of me. He, like, knocked my tooth out and then I swallowed it when I gave him head. And then the next day I had to shit out the tooth.
Friend: Oh my god.

–114th & Amsterdam

Wednesday One-Liners Threw Up in Front of Dean Wormer

Drunk frat guy: I don’t know about you fellas, but I’m going to Narnia. Shazam! [Dives head first into a wardrobe.]

–NYU dorm

Frat boy: Dude, do you think if I start drinking now I’ll still be drunk in Michigan?

–JFK

Overheard by: JJ

Drunk frat dude on cell: So, does autumn come after winter or before it?

–Outside Wogie’s, West Village

Overheard by: misspenny

Black frat dude to white frat dude: I mean, if the KKK could’ve thought of BET, they woulda done it 50 years ago.

–Columbia University

Drunk Long Island frat boy: At least no one got raped, so that’s pretty good.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: echo

And He Was Searching for a Tiny White Whale

20-ish girl #1: Wait, so the midget had a peg leg?
20-ish girl #2, annoyed: No. The midget was the peg leg!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Gretchen

Headline by: Ignatius Gerumpany

Runners-Up:

· “And He Had a Pygmy for an Eye Patch” – Jordan

· “Jerry Springer will never run out of material…” – alex

· “Pinocchio’s Tragic End” – Tristan Davis

· “The rigor mortis kept him nice and stable.” – internev

· “Transformers Porn Is Too Confusing” – Jenny C


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners, from Crayola

Junior high kid: Man, I slapped the taste out of that nigga. The whole side of his face turned… purple! No, not purple… Lilac.

–G train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: outofplace

Crazy guy speaking into Bic lighter: Come in, blue leader, come in. Do you read me, blue leader?

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Alec

Man: Nothing that’s white is ever good for you except for a white man’s money.

–Restroom, Penn Station

Chick to old lady in pink clothes: I am really feeling your outfit. Pink has had a special meaning to me lately. Not because I wear pink, but spiritually — ethereally — pink has been influencing my life.

–94th & Amsterdam

Girl on cell: I just don’t know about him anymore. I mean, he has lavender sheets…

–CVS, 25th & 6th

Overheard by: Sarah

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