Woman: I mean, chicken nuggets go straight to your ass.
Man: At least my tits don’t sag.
–42nd & 8th
Woman: I mean, chicken nuggets go straight to your ass.
Man: At least my tits don’t sag.
–42nd & 8th
Passenger #1: I’m gonna be riding in the Five Boro Bike Tour, but I haven’t begun training yet. If I don’t train, my legs will be fine but my ass will be sore. My ass isn’t ready for that long a ride.
Passenger #2: I think Jake* would love to help train your ass for the ride!
–4 train
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Lady on cell: Well, would you still say no if I told you I’d shove graphite up your ass? Oh, you would? Yeah, I mean literally up your ass. You’d still say no? Well, I guess that means I’m coming over tonight, then… And did you want me to bring takeout? Maybe lasagna?
–Dressing room, Anthropologie
Meathead: Yo, 50 foot of chain and a tow-rig couldn’t pull my tongue out of her ass.
–Bleecker & Sullivan
Overheard by: The Greek
Lady suit: No, no… You get it up the butt… You get all the nutrients up the butt.
–43rd & 9th
Overheard by: tinyfoo
Chick on cell: Who wants to shove shit up themselves for seven days?!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Ladle
Woman exiting elevator, to friend: Yeah, I love you, but you have got to keep your fingers out of my ass.
–Lobby of MCNY, Canal & Varick
Girl yuppie to boy yuppie: The only way he did it was by taking suppositories before every walk.
–9th & 3rd
Overheard by: brigdh
Old guy, after being bumped by passerby: Fucking asshole! Get that shit out of your ass! Stop using those damn tampons!
–23rd & 3rd
Little girl: Daddy, save my seat!
Dad: I can’t.
Little girl: Yes, you can — just put your hand on the seat.
Dad: But then someone might sit on my hand, and they might have a smelly butt, like you.
–1 train
Older drunk, tightly hugging young guy: … And don’t think I’m gonna forget. When that happened, who gave me new underwears and washed my ass?
Younger guy, trying to get away: Man, just forget about that!
Older drunk: No! I’m not gonna forget about that!
–Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Girl #1, studying for math exam: I still don’t get it.
Girl #2: What I’m saying is that this statement has nothing to do with a croissant coming out of my ass.
Girl #1: Oh, okay.
Girl #2: Yeah, that’s the only way I can remember how to do the problem.
–Marymount Manhattan College
Salon receptionist calling man in waiting room: David*, you can pre-pay now.
David: I am here for a touch-up. I don’t have to pay this time.
Salon receptionist: Oh, that’s right — what are you getting re-touched, again?
David: My buttocks… Y’know, my butt.
–7th Ave South & Greenwich Ave
Girl: There’s no way that dog’s mouth is cleaner than mine.
Guy #1: It’s true. Dogs’ mouths are cleaner.
Girl: He was just licking his ass.
Guy #2: You should lick your ass. Maybe you’d be nicer [laughs].
Guy #1: Yeah! [High fives guy #2]. Seriously, though, I’ll lick your ass if you want.
Girl: You sicken me.
–Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Wrong place right time
Headline by: Jon A.
Runners-Up:
· “At Least Rover Licks My Ass with His Pinky Out Like a Gentleman.” – KMW
· “Central Park Zoo: The Human Exhibit” – SAtCW
· “I’m Not Hearing a “No”” – x halloween jack x
· “My Two Dads: 2007” – SAtCW
Conductor: The train is crowded. Please — arms, legs, bags, coats, hats, scarves — pull them in. I cannot close the doors.
Dude: You know it’s someone’s ass…
–1 train
Overheard by: wasn’t my ass
20-something to friend: … And she said, ‘Twenty dollars? She offered me 20 dollars for bills after staying with me for a whole month? I’d wipe my ass with that 20-dollar bill!’
Hobo: One 20-dollar bill ain’t enough for that huge ass!
–23rd & 5th
