Hoochie: I tried anal sex and it just hurt too much. Then I figured out that if you just douche your ass, it doesn’t hurt at all!
Wannabe hoochie: Really?!
–Bar, Staten Island
Overheard by: yohezzy
Hoochie: I tried anal sex and it just hurt too much. Then I figured out that if you just douche your ass, it doesn’t hurt at all!
Wannabe hoochie: Really?!
–Bar, Staten Island
Overheard by: yohezzy
Teacher: No butt-fuck guys, no butt-fuck.
–Hunter College High
Overheard by: citysnidget
Hot chick: … And so I was thinking, You’re thinking about my brother while you’re fucking my ass? No response necessary.
–32nd & Broadway
Cuban guy to Russian girl: All Russian girls I’ve ever met love anal sex. No, seriously, they are all into that shit — and pomegranate.
–1st Ave
Overheard by: Asmar
Jock: … And he was sodomizing a jaguar.
–81st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: impossible
Man on cell, playfully: Who are you? Who are you? Why are you in my house? Who are you? Where’s my wife? If I come home and you’re still there, I’m going to stick a hot sausage up there… A hot sausage up there! And a hot dog up your butthole. A hot sausage up there and a hot dog on the other side, and we’ll see who gets which one first.
–President & 5th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Nick Draven
Chick: I don’t know how much further up his ass I need to be. I mean, I’m already really far up his ass already…
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Alan
Hipster girl: … And then he had his finger up my boyfriend’s asshole!
–Cargo Cafe, Staten Island
Student: If a steak comes out of your butt, I’ll worship you. Screw school — you can just win bets by betting on whether a steak will come out of your butt. Just put a towel and move it away and be, like, ‘Ta-da!’
–CCNY
Overheard by: Liz
Queer #1: I kind of like Barack Obama. He’s cute.
Queer #2: If I didn’t have a husband, I would be so far up Barack Obama’s ass that if anyone pulled me out they would become King of England.
–115th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Nathan
Hipster chick: Fuck off — I already told you girls don’t poop. Especially not this one. [Boyfriend looks at her with puppy dog eyes.] And no, you cannot put your penis up there to find out. I am not having this conversation before I meet your mother.
–Norfolk & Rivington
Overheard by: edith
Teen girl #1: So, last night we were talking, and he still wants to put it in my ass… Like, how could I be with someone who only thinks about shoving his thing up my ass?
Teen girl #2: So what are you gonna do?
Teen girl #1: I don’t know! Help me!
Teen girl #2, puzzled: I thought you love anal sex?
Teen girl #1: Oh, yeah.
–S79 bus
Overheard by: rob l
Girl: Don’t you feel bad?
Guy: About what?
Girl: For one, you’re in your girlfriend’s jeans, her jacket, her flats, and her fucking pearls. And second…
Guy: And second what?
Girl: You got fucked by three different guys in the two days she’s been out of town.
Guy: If I suck so much, why the fuck are we friends?
Girl: ‘Cause when she is out of town, I have my own little gay Barbie doll and fashion expert all in one. And it’s your turn to buy the manicures.
–72nd & 1st
Overheard by: Julie
Girl #1: Did you hook up with Josh last weekend?
Girl #2: Yeah, we got really drunk and I blew him and we did anal. I dunno if I want to lose my virginity with him, though.
–86th St, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Kandiru
Trader #1: Is she ok with that price?
Trader #2: Yeah, we have a great relationship. She’ll take it in the end.
–777 3rd Ave
Queer: Oh my god, he fucked me so hard last night.
Friend: Wait — how hard?
Queer: Like, he literally fucked the shit out of me. He, like, knocked my tooth out and then I swallowed it when I gave him head. And then the next day I had to shit out the tooth.
Friend: Oh my god.
–114th & Amsterdam
