Beauty

Then I Hope Your Knees Bend

Barefoot girl #1: What's wrong with your feet? Why are you bending them like that?
Barefoot girl #2: I'm not. I just have very high arches.
Barefoot girl #1: No, that's freaky. You look like you're wearing high heels! You have Barbie feet!
Barefoot girl #2: Well, obviously then I am the ideal of feminine beauty. I also don't have a vagina.

–Central Park

Headline by: g

Runners-Up:
· “But My Boyfriend Says He Can Work Around That.” – space coyote
· “If You Were the Ideal Of Feminine Beauty, You Wouldn’t Have a Mouth.” – LPS
· “It’s Okay. Ken’s Only Got a Bump.” – 1310 (formerly SNA)
· “Or a Soul.” – fresca
· “Perfect for Men Who Have Lumps Instead Of Penises” – ktg
· “Pre-Op Trannies Are So Hung Up on Their Looks.” – Ice Cream Scoopy Doo!

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

I Think “Nebbish” May Be the Word You're Looking for

Girl to friend, discussing a boy: So how nerdy is he? I mean, there's a nice nerdy, a cute nerdy…
Friend: You know that Jewish nerdy?

–College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Nameless

Alcohol-arious!

Woman #1: Have you ever been to this place?
Woman #2: Yeah, Irish bar. You know those motherfuckers can drink.
Woman #3: You can say that again.
Woman #1: I don’t usually hang out in Irish bars. Too rowdy for me.
Woman #3: C’mon on, you’ll like it. Besides, the bartender is cute.
Woman #2: This chick I know fucked him but he is lousy in the sack. The only reason she banged him was because he’s good-looking and she gets free drinks.
Woman #1: Too bad the good-looking ones are always dumb and suck. If he’s that good-looking I’d fuck him too. Drinks in this fucking city are expensive as hell. Why not? Let’s see what your friend is talking about.

–44th & 8th

Ironically, “Only in New York”

Princess: First I got on the wrong train–going uptown instead of downtown—and there was like (*sigh*) not a single pretty person on the train. Only in New York. I can’t imagine being anywhere else in the world, getting on the train and not seeing a single attractive person!

–Union Square Station

Overheard by: Phil Rosenbloom

Booby Trap

Guy: Hottest piece of ass I’ve ever seen.
Girl: She is beautiful, huh?
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: So you think they’re real?
Guy: I dunno.
Girl: I think they’re natural.

–Houston & Lafayette

Malice Goes to Style Court

Guy: Who would you rather have sex with? The girl with the lazy eye or the fat chick?
Girl: Lazy eye.
Guy: Yeah, she’s got a good body.

—Style Court Audience

Overheard by: Tibbie X

Other Side Effects Include Dizziness, Upset Stomach…

Hipster: I went to a Polish beauty pageant last night in Brooklyn. It totally blew my brains apart.

–Williamsburg

Lazy in Bed

Yuppie: He said, “I’m a beautiful man, I deserve to be with a beautiful woman.” Because he’s so in love with himself he’s so lazy in bed.

–Williamsburg

Barbershop Fun

Haircutter: So she wanted me to put wax in her hair. And I told her I didn’t have any, that it’s $19 a bottle and if I get some for everyone I’ll go through it in no time. So she says that I should buy it for my customers. If she likes it so much, she should go buy it herself. I mean, it’s one thing if the cunt were a good tipper.

–Astor Place [Translated from the Russian]

They Speak Portuguese in Spain, You Know

Yuppie #1: I only went to Brazil for a month, but on my third day there I met her.
Yuppie #2: Women in South America are so hot. Especially Brazil and Spain.

–Belgian Beer Bar, Greenwich Village

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