Yeah, What Are Those? Last Year’s Blahniks?

Calm mom to five-year-old: Please don’t lick your shoe.
Five-year-old: Mommy, can you wipe my mouth out?
Mommy: No, sweetie. We can’t wipe things out of our mouths. Honey, we don’t lick the bottoms of our shoes. It’s simply not the way we go about doing things. Do you understand that it’s not Mommy being mean? Look around. Do you see any other children’s mommies letting them lick their shoes? No, you don’t, because children who lick their shoes get sick and die.
Other five-year-old: I don’t lick my shoes!

–Murray & W Broadway

Posted on May 1, 2007
Advice, Body Parts, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Death, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Moms, Shoes, West Village

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Them All in the Air

Kid: … And his balls were hanging out of his skirt!

–Stuyvesant High School

Drunk chick: Can I pleeease kick you in the balls? It’s my birthday!

–Ave A

Bimbette: So, balls are always — and, like, totally not in a sexual way — but balls are always hitting me in the face.

–Line at Upright Citizens Brigade

Street vendor to another: So, what if you were wearing shorts and you had one ball hangin’ out?

–W 49th & Broadway

Hot chick to another: So, I had him by the balls…

–Washington Square Park

Girl: No, no, don’t scratch your balls! [Screams.]

–8 train

Overheard by: Alex

Actor: I look down and there’s this blue spot on my balls. It looked like I fucked a smurf.

–Backstage, Strawberry One-Act Festival

Overheard by: I hate it when that happens

Posted on April 11, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Birthdays, Body Parts, Clothing, Kick, Offers and requests, Sex, TV, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Wishes & desires

She Soaks Them in Beer Every Morning

Girl to friends: Oh, yeah, and he kissed Emily’s hand goodbye.
Emily: Yeah, I get that a lot…

–Residence hall, 26th St

Overheard by: Ashley

Posted on March 27, 2007
Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Friends, Girls, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Names

That’s for Emergencies, Not for Pique

Wailing six-year-old boy: But whyyy?!
Mom: Well, I know, honey, but kick him in the shins, don’t kick him in the balls!

–Prince & Broadway

Posted on March 12, 2007
Advice, Balls, Body Parts, Boys, Fighting and ass kicking, Kids, Moms, West Village

I Said Later… Wait, What?

Teen boy: Mom, is it true that some people are both a man and a woman?
Mom: Yes. Well, sort of. Can we talk about this when we get home?
Teen boy: So does that mean they have, like, both–
Mom: –Yes, honey, now be quiet for a little while, okay?
Teen boy: Does that mean they can, like, do the slinky?

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Mike N