Chick #1: Hey, how are you? I haven’t seen you in a long time! How’s life?
Chick #2: It’s great. My hip bones are sparking.
–NYU Silver Center
Chick #1: Hey, how are you? I haven’t seen you in a long time! How’s life?
Chick #2: It’s great. My hip bones are sparking.
–NYU Silver Center
Man #1: Hey, man, how’s your mom doing? I hear she’s kinda sick.
Man #2: Yeah, she’s not doing so well. She lost her second leg.
Man #1: What? She lost another one?
Man #2: Yeah, son. She called me the other day because she couldn’t find it. I went to her house and looked everywhere for it, but nothing, son… Nothing. It’s fucked up, you know what I’m saying?
Man #1: Yeah, son. That’s some fucked up shit. Damn, son.
–Atlantic & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: MS
Dude: So, I saw this girl yesterday who had the most beautiful nose…
Chick: Really?
Dude: Yeah, I’ve had dreams about this same nose since 1986. I never thought it would happen, but I’m so glad it did.
Chick: Wow. What did she look like?
Dude: I don’t know. I didn’t get a good look at her face.
–G train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Via
Lady on cell: I’m not high maintenance — I just brush my teeth!
–F train
Overheard by: AmityAmity
Big guy on cell: My son swore to us when he was 15 that he would name his first child Toofbrush. He’s 21 now and I remind him of that every day… Who the hell knows? Every time I searched his room I found enough pot to cure the whole world’s glaucoma.
–JetBlue flight 11
Overheard by: Big Larry
Woman on cell: So, wait… The plastic surgeon had his teeth removed?
–12th & 1st
Overheard by: Grace
Girl on cell: I think I forgot my toothpaste at home. Can you mail it to me tomorrow?
–LIRR
Overheard by: Meg
Woman: In 25 minutes you can bake 24 cupcakes. In that time you can take a shit or brush your teeth.
–Apartment 138, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Hmmm… do I still want those cupcakes?
Junkie to stoned girlfriend: Yo, you lucky I know somethin’ ’bout teeth or else you woulda ain’t had no teeth left. I woulda put a shot in yo’ mouth, I woulda took out all yo’ teeth, and put a box in yo’ mouth.
–1 train
Overheard by: Lauren Marks
College student: Hey, what’s up?
Grad student, slowly: The stench of humanity is strong within my nostrils.
–Hungarian Pastry Shop
Queer: Oh my god, he fucked me so hard last night.
Friend: Wait — how hard?
Queer: Like, he literally fucked the shit out of me. He, like, knocked my tooth out and then I swallowed it when I gave him head. And then the next day I had to shit out the tooth.
Friend: Oh my god.
–114th & Amsterdam
Chick: We don’t know what’s in her head… or her throat.
–Starbucks
Overheard by: The Crazy Fairy Princess
Girl: Is that your thumb I’m feeling? Dude, that’s your thumb? What is that? Are you lying to me?
–South St Seaport
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
French woman: That’s not his butthole, it’s his mouth.
–Broom & Grand St
Overheard by: Kevin
Girl: Oh, so I just found out my nipples come up to my boyfriend’s bellybutton.
–9th & 3rd
Chick: Why’d you chop off both stomachs?
–69th and Amsterdam
Man on cell: Well, when you put your arm all the way in, is it slippery?
–Local 138, Ludlow St, between Rivington & Delancey
Overheard by: ashley
Hipster: When I was little and went to Sunday school my teacher told us we all have a little piece of God inside of us, and I thought, I hope I have his thumb.
–4th & Bowery
Calm mom to five-year-old: Please don’t lick your shoe.
Five-year-old: Mommy, can you wipe my mouth out?
Mommy: No, sweetie. We can’t wipe things out of our mouths. Honey, we don’t lick the bottoms of our shoes. It’s simply not the way we go about doing things. Do you understand that it’s not Mommy being mean? Look around. Do you see any other children’s mommies letting them lick their shoes? No, you don’t, because children who lick their shoes get sick and die.
Other five-year-old: I don’t lick my shoes!
–Murray & W Broadway
Kid: … And his balls were hanging out of his skirt!
–Stuyvesant High School
Drunk chick: Can I pleeease kick you in the balls? It’s my birthday!
–Ave A
Bimbette: So, balls are always — and, like, totally not in a sexual way — but balls are always hitting me in the face.
–Line at Upright Citizens Brigade
Street vendor to another: So, what if you were wearing shorts and you had one ball hangin’ out?
–W 49th & Broadway
Hot chick to another: So, I had him by the balls…
–Washington Square Park
Girl: No, no, don’t scratch your balls! [Screams.]
–8 train
Overheard by: Alex
Actor: I look down and there’s this blue spot on my balls. It looked like I fucked a smurf.
–Backstage, Strawberry One-Act Festival
Overheard by: I hate it when that happens
Girl to friends: Oh, yeah, and he kissed Emily’s hand goodbye.
Emily: Yeah, I get that a lot…
–Residence hall, 26th St
Overheard by: Ashley
