Body Parts

Wednesday One-Liners Get the Brushoff

Lady on cell: I’m not high maintenance — I just brush my teeth!

–F train

Overheard by: AmityAmity

Big guy on cell: My son swore to us when he was 15 that he would name his first child Toofbrush. He’s 21 now and I remind him of that every day… Who the hell knows? Every time I searched his room I found enough pot to cure the whole world’s glaucoma.

–JetBlue flight 11

Overheard by: Big Larry

Woman on cell: So, wait… The plastic surgeon had his teeth removed?

–12th & 1st

Overheard by: Grace

Girl on cell: I think I forgot my toothpaste at home. Can you mail it to me tomorrow?

–LIRR

Overheard by: Meg

Woman: In 25 minutes you can bake 24 cupcakes. In that time you can take a shit or brush your teeth.

–Apartment 138, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Hmmm… do I still want those cupcakes?

Junkie to stoned girlfriend: Yo, you lucky I know somethin’ ’bout teeth or else you woulda ain’t had no teeth left. I woulda put a shot in yo’ mouth, I woulda took out all yo’ teeth, and put a box in yo’ mouth.

–1 train

Overheard by: Lauren Marks

You Just Need to Stop Hanging around with Grad Students

College student: Hey, what’s up?
Grad student, slowly: The stench of humanity is strong within my nostrils.

–Hungarian Pastry Shop

Tonight I’m Sitting on the Bed Post and Hitting Myself with a Hammer

Queer: Oh my god, he fucked me so hard last night.
Friend: Wait — how hard?
Queer: Like, he literally fucked the shit out of me. He, like, knocked my tooth out and then I swallowed it when I gave him head. And then the next day I had to shit out the tooth.
Friend: Oh my god.

–114th & Amsterdam

Grey’s Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: We don’t know what’s in her head… or her throat.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: The Crazy Fairy Princess

Girl: Is that your thumb I’m feeling? Dude, that’s your thumb? What is that? Are you lying to me?

–South St Seaport

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

French woman: That’s not his butthole, it’s his mouth.

–Broom & Grand St

Overheard by: Kevin

Girl: Oh, so I just found out my nipples come up to my boyfriend’s bellybutton.

–9th & 3rd

Chick: Why’d you chop off both stomachs?

–69th and Amsterdam

Man on cell: Well, when you put your arm all the way in, is it slippery?

–Local 138, Ludlow St, between Rivington & Delancey

Overheard by: ashley

Hipster: When I was little and went to Sunday school my teacher told us we all have a little piece of God inside of us, and I thought, I hope I have his thumb.

–4th & Bowery

Yeah, What Are Those? Last Year’s Blahniks?

Calm mom to five-year-old: Please don’t lick your shoe.
Five-year-old: Mommy, can you wipe my mouth out?
Mommy: No, sweetie. We can’t wipe things out of our mouths. Honey, we don’t lick the bottoms of our shoes. It’s simply not the way we go about doing things. Do you understand that it’s not Mommy being mean? Look around. Do you see any other children’s mommies letting them lick their shoes? No, you don’t, because children who lick their shoes get sick and die.
Other five-year-old: I don’t lick my shoes!

–Murray & W Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Them All in the Air

Kid: … And his balls were hanging out of his skirt!

–Stuyvesant High School

Drunk chick: Can I pleeease kick you in the balls? It’s my birthday!

–Ave A

Bimbette: So, balls are always — and, like, totally not in a sexual way — but balls are always hitting me in the face.

–Line at Upright Citizens Brigade

Street vendor to another: So, what if you were wearing shorts and you had one ball hangin’ out?

–W 49th & Broadway

Hot chick to another: So, I had him by the balls…

–Washington Square Park

Girl: No, no, don’t scratch your balls! [Screams.]

–8 train

Overheard by: Alex

Actor: I look down and there’s this blue spot on my balls. It looked like I fucked a smurf.

–Backstage, Strawberry One-Act Festival

Overheard by: I hate it when that happens

She Soaks Them in Beer Every Morning

Girl to friends: Oh, yeah, and he kissed Emily’s hand goodbye.
Emily: Yeah, I get that a lot…

–Residence hall, 26th St

Overheard by: Ashley

That’s for Emergencies, Not for Pique

Wailing six-year-old boy: But whyyy?!
Mom: Well, I know, honey, but kick him in the shins, don’t kick him in the balls!

–Prince & Broadway

I Said Later… Wait, What?

Teen boy: Mom, is it true that some people are both a man and a woman?
Mom: Yes. Well, sort of. Can we talk about this when we get home?
Teen boy: So does that mean they have, like, both–
Mom: –Yes, honey, now be quiet for a little while, okay?
Teen boy: Does that mean they can, like, do the slinky?

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Mike N

They Eventually Agreed on a Dime for, ‘I Wouldn’t Kick You Out of Bed’

Hobo: Spare a dollar?
B&T chick: Ew, no.
Hobo: … You have nice legs?
B&T chick: Still, no.

–Grand Central

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