Big black lady #1: Have you been to that new Queens mall?
Big black lady #2: No.
Big black lady #1: Half the people be shoppin’, half of ’em be watchin’ people, and I don’t even know ’bout the other half. It gets so damn crowded!
–1 train
Overheard by: No Kidding
Big, sleazy blonde: Are you fucking kidding me! You’ve never had sex?
Mormon guy: No, I promised myself I would save that for marriage.
Big, sleazy blonde: Oh my fucking goodness. What is this, an audition for the 40-year-old virgin movie?
Mormon guy: Haha, well, I’m not 40 yet.
Big, sleazy blonde: So, what do all you Mormons do when you date?
Mormon guy: Oh, you know — hold hands, talk, long walks on the beach, Scrabble…
Big, sleazy blonde: So, for you Mormons Scrabble is like sex, then?
–Metro North
Overheard by: trying my best not to laugh
Big latina: I want to get to the gym more often.
Bigger latina: Yeah, I need to get around to that, too.
Big latina: The problem is, though, my man tells me he don’t want to go to the gym. He said he likes my weight right now and I shouldn’t lose any.
Bigger latina: He right.
–Dunkin’ Donuts, Queens
Student #1: Dude, she wasn’t even that fat.
Student #2: If she wasn’t ‘that fat,’ she wouldn’t have picked up and eaten the food after we threw it at her.
–Water polo match, Queens College
Overheard by: Jeff
Chubby girl: I don’t do well with fingers in my ass, but I’m pretty good with balls in my mouth. I’ll tell you a story, but if it gets too personal just tell me to stop.
Nerdy boy: Alright.
Chubby girl: I was at Jason’s house, and, mind you, we were in an awkward position — kind of half-sitting, half-laying down — but it’s always awkward when you’re half asleep, you know? Well, we started kissing, and then my negligee fell down. It literally fell down below my breasts. And Jason was like, ‘I don’t know if I’m comfortable with your toplessness…’
–6 train
Man to fat lady holding up traffic on the stairs: Excuse me, ma’am. Do you need a hand?
Fat lady: Do I need a hand? Yeah, I need a hand, a foot, an arm, a leg… Shit, nigga, I need a mink coat!
–Subway exit stairs, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Anna Wolinsky
Guy: I sold everything — the script, TV episodes, merchandising rights… They paid me two million dollars. It sucks, because after I pay off debts and taxes I’ll only have one million, and that doesn’t go as far as it used to.
–MoMA lobby
Overheard by: foofoo
Fat chick: … So I was like, ‘Mom, what the fuck? I don’t need a diet.’ Then she goes, ‘But your doctor told you that you’re a hundred pounds overweight — eat healthier!’ Then I just told her, ‘Screw you!’ I’d rather go on Maury than lose weight!
–Guggenheim Museum
Overheard by: Maury Povich’s viewer
Tween girl running towards crime scene minutes after a shooting: We’s gonna be on TV, nigga!
–137th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Liberace wannabe on cell: … And I thought, ‘Thank God,! She likes AbFab! At last, I can talk to her on a level playing field!’
–44th & 9th
Conductor: There’s another local train directly behind this one. Plenty of seats, color TV, open bar.
–W train to Astoria
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Enormous black woman clutching frantic feral cat: Who’ll gimme a dollar fo’ this kitten? I know one of ya’lls got a dollar fo’ this kitten. You?! You?!
Confused passerby: Didn’t you get that from the vacant lot behind you?
Enormous black woman clutching frantic feral cat: Shut up, fool! Okay… Fitty cent, then!
–West 153rd St
Overheard by: goofopet
Fat lady coworker: Okay, see you tomorrow.
Thin lady coworker: Okay. Remember, tonight, what are you going to have?
Fat coworker: A salad.
Thin coworker: Right, a salad. Or something light. I like grilled chicken.
Fat coworker: Okay, right.
Thin coworker: I’m going to ask you tomorrow what you had, okay?
Fat coworker: Sure.
Thin coworker: You know I’m just trying to help, right?
Fat coworker: Uh-huh.
–Barnes & Noble, 6th Ave & W 8th St
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Heavy lady: I caught him the other day puttin’ lip gloss on. I was all like, ‘The hell you think you’re doin’, boy?’ He was all like, ‘I like the way it looks, it’s cool.’ I swear, we were in there, and he came running over to me. ‘Ma, Ma, can I have this?’ And he hands me a flavored lip gloss. I beat his ass right in the store. I mean, it tastes good, but I ain’t about him usin’ lip gloss. That boy ain’t right.
Interlude for passenger disembarkment.
Heavy lady: I swear, somethin’s wrong with that boy. He was on the phone with his boy for, like, two hours. I went to his room to see what he was doing. I swear he was jerkin’ off with his man on the phone.
Friend: With his friend?
Heavy lady: Mmmhm. He’s layin’ there naked, and he tells me he wasn’t doin’ nothin’… He was ‘hot,’ he says. Shit. I told his ass I don’t want his gay ass jerkin’ off on the phone.
Friend: Oh, no.
Interlude for passenger disembarkment.
Heavy lady: You know, my little one came to me and handed me something. She’s all like, ‘Can I have this candy?’ You know what she hands me?
Friend: What?
Heavy lady: A banana-flavored latex condom. I asked her, ‘Where’d you get this?’ You know, because I be usin’ polyurethane condoms, and my little one is only five and she don’t need to be usin’ condoms yet.
–Q train to Manhattan
Overheard by: Alex Agius
