Fat People

Larger, Lovelier Wednesday One-Liners

Fat lady elbowing her way onto train: Shit, they need to get some bigger subway cars.

–6 train, 28th St

Wife to hubby, after daughter got up from table: She still has a big ass and thighs, but she’s getting better.

–City Bakery, W 18th St

Overheard by: katherine

Man holding huge burger in small bun: Dude! This is like a fat man in spandex!

–Upper West Side

Blonde rubbing grouchy guy’s head: I’m sorry, baby, but you know how I get around fat people, and those two women were huge! Just disgusting!

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Ryan

Hobo: Anyone have a dollar? Anyone? I’m askin’ because all you ladies are beautiful. I don’t bother with ugly people or fat people! They just have problems. Their wife is cheating on them? It’s my fault! No, I just walk on by all those fat people.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: Colleen

Mom to six-year-old son: Junk food is crap. If you eat it, you will be fat. Like Mommy.

–Central Park

Another Fine New York Tradition

Fat guy, caught illegally parked to buy and gobble a hot dog: It’s a New York Tradition.
Cop: Move your car, or that’s going to be a hundred and fifty dollar hot dog.

–Grey’s Papaya, 8th Ave

Whereas I’ve Had to Wait Weeks for My Crochet Supplies

Big thug #1: … And I was like, ‘No fuckin’ way.’
Big thug #2: Yeah, nigga. That shit is like magic.
Big thug #1: I know, nigga. I did it. I went home and I ordered the new Harry Potter from Amazon. That shit came the next day. It was like magic.

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: h

Slowest One to Finish Their Double Quarter-Pounder with Cheese Buys!

Fat worker #1: This country is pretty fat, huh?
Fat worker #2: Yeah, man, we’re the fastest country in America.

–35th St, between 7th & 8th

If I Had to Guess? Two Hits of Mary Jane and a Dozen Donuts

Thin woman: I’m on a hundred and eighty milligrams of meth right now!
Portly man: Oh, man, if only I knew what I was on.

–E 11th St

Twenty Percent Fewer People Are Shot There

Fat woman: Where do you want to eat?
Fat man: I don’t know. I’m kind of in the mood for Pizza Hut.
Fat woman: But Wendy’s is healthier…

–14th St

A Dumb Bitch Who Just Took Your Wallet, Bucko

Fat guy: I love you.
Cute girl: Do you really mean what you say, or are you just saying it?
Fat guy: Of course I mean it. [They make out, then chick leaves.] What a dumb bitch.

–W4 station

Overheard by: Ting

She Works for EHarmony

Fat lady: Whew! Hey, I think I just found the love of my life! The subway conductor! [People smile.] Wooo! He’s got a nice package! [People look away.] I tell ya, one night with him — you’ll never forget it! Where are we? Is this 34th? Look out! Clear the way! Wide load comin’ through! Have a wonderful day! [She exits, then screeches from the platform as train moves away] I love youuu!

–R train

… And Got Maced by That Guy in the Penthouse

Skinny chick: Was there scaffolding on his building?
Fat chick: Yeah, don’t you remember? I climbed it in my Catwoman costume on Halloween.

–Greenwich & 6th

Overheard by: tj

A Courier Will Deliver Further Instructions

Chubby Asian girl: I just don’t know, Dani* — if you start out giving him head, I don’t see what I’m supposed to do.
Ghetto girl: You s’posed to shut the fuck up and eat my pussy, bitch.
Chubby Asian girl: Oh, okay.

–Starbucks, St. Mark’s Pl

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