Homeless

We Recommend 8 Hours of Wednesday One-Liners a Night

Restaurant patron: Wait, you are telling me you never wake up in the middle of the night and think you’re still in jail?

–Mottsu Soho

Overheard by: J

Guy on cell: I’ll be there in a few hours. No! Just wait! I mean can you please just not sleep all day again for three seconds?

–Canal St

Hobo: Sorry to disturb y’all! If you look at me closely, you will see some red marks. I was sleeping on the ground for a couple of days and I did not know that if you smell like food, those big rats will bite you.

–B Train

Overheard by: Jamie Paquette

Guy on cell: Hi. I’m just calling to say . . . ummm . . . I feel really bad about how things are going, how things have been. I don’t know if you got any sleep last night. I know I didn’t. But I guess I turned it to my best advantage, because I just gave the most amazing lecture. I talked for two and a half hours! So I guess I’m not totally useless to everyone.

–Chelsea Station Post Office

Anorexic dancer: Yeah, but I can’t wake up without toilet paper.
Friend: …..
Anorexic dancer: It makes sense to me.

–Meredith Wilson Residence Hall, Juilliard School

Overheard by: cherry

Patron to bartender: I mean, I sleep till 3 p.m., but that’s because I drink and do coke all the time. . . . I guess they do too!

–Barracuda

Fired From His Job as a Hostage Negotiator, Stanley Fell On Hard Times

Hobo: Hey, lady, give a dollar.
Lady: No!
Hobo: Give me a quarter.
Lady: No!
Hobo: Give me a dime.
Lady: No!
Hobo: Give me a cent.
Lady: No!
Hobo: Okay, so at least give me a hug.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: gus_no_fear

But Then What Will He Use as a Toilet?

Hobo: Can you spare some change for the homeless?
Drunk girl: Yeah, right. Sell that backpack first.

–4th & Broadway

Overheard by: Andrew Schulte

And What Do You Want? I’m an Asshole.

Guy: Hey, Margie, you’re wearing the same clothes as yesterday.
Bag lady: What do you want? I’m homeless.

–Outdoor cafe, 7th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Brittany

Should We Tell Him Monopoly Has Money in It?

Hobo: Hey, can you spare some money?
Man: Sorry.
Hobo: That’s my favorite board game!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Jason

I Was Striving For More of a Dysentery Fragrance, With Overtones of Colon Cancer

Lady: Ewww! It smells like someone made a dump!

Bum shrugs.

–Queens Blvd, Forest Hills

She Meant Anal Virgin

Girl #1: Yo, it’d be so cute if we both lost our virginity this weekend.
Girl #2: But you’re not a virgin
Girl #1: Oh, right. Dammit.
Bum: If you ain’t a virgin, you must be a ho! Don’t come back to this church. This is God’s place.

–St. John the Divine

Overheard by: a fox

Wednesday One-Liners Wanna Get Dirty

Girl on cell: I feel so dirty…He rubbed oil all over my body. He’s short, but he has blue eyes…so hot…I’d let him crawl all over me!

–Hoboken PATH

Old blind woman singing for money in the train: I’ll rub hot oil all over your body … and God bless the child, that’s got his own, that’s got his own.

–F train downtown

Hobo lady: I been pussy fucked; I been ass fucked; I been titty fucked–and that was fun–but there ain’t no love like the love of Jesus.

–M15 bus

Overheard by: Ben Beckley

They Like to Summer in Vail

Chick #1: You know if I was going to be homeless, I wouldn’t choose New York. I’d go someplace warm.
Chick #2: Yeah, I’d go to Florida.
Chick #1: Or New Orleans. Well, not now, but it would have been good.
Chick #2: At least Myrtle Beach.
Chick #1: Yeah. If I were homeless I wouldn’t stay here. I’d go to Aruba.

–58th & Lexington

Overheard by: Tricia Morall

We Won’t Take It Personally (Happy Hannukah!)

Hobo: Hi. My name’s Lloyd. Most of you all know me by now. Yes, I’m still coaching basketball. I just wanted to say, have a happy holiday, and if you don’t have change–
Man: It’s happy Christmas, not happy holiday.
Hobo: You should know that some people don’t celebrate Christmas.
Man: Fuck ’em.

–N train

© 2026 OverheardinNewYork.com
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist