Hipster guy: So, in two days it’s going to be Friday the 13th. Let’s go kill someone!
Hipster chick: What?!
Hipster guy: Seriously, let’s go kill a hobo or something. Nobody would care!
–NYU Silver Center
Hipster guy: So, in two days it’s going to be Friday the 13th. Let’s go kill someone!
Hipster chick: What?!
Hipster guy: Seriously, let’s go kill a hobo or something. Nobody would care!
–NYU Silver Center
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No… 40 grand, and I’ll suck your dick.
–Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can’t teach you anything if you don’t practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
–78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya’ll!
–2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That’s NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
–Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, ‘Are you on Restless?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah,’ and then she dropped to her knees!
–2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you’re married, and I don’t need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
–Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
Homeless guy sleeping in cart wakes up at eight a.m.: Good noon! … Is it noon yet?
Passerby: Not yet, but you’re very close.
–West 4th St
Hobo: You’re all a bunch of cheap people!
Conductor: This is Myrtle Avenue, Wyckoff Avenue. All the cheap people are getting off here.
–M train
Overheard by: Cait O’Connor
Hobo: You got any change?
Girl: Sorry, I only have twenties.
–D train
Overheard by: still laughing
Man: ‘Cause I’m like, ‘Seven a.m. is too fuckin’ early for Jesus — too fuckin’ early.’
–Union Square station
Overheard by: DM Cook
Caribbean woman pacing back and forth on crowded subway: Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen, Jesus is coming! Jesus is on the number two train tonight! Repent! Repent! Jesus is coming and he’s on the number two train tonight. Repent for your sins! Jesus died for you — for men, women, lesbians, gays…
–Uptown 2 train from 72nd St
Overheard by: pimnana
Drunk student: So, she said that Jesus loves you and died for your sins and made the Statue of Liberty disappear, or something.
–Uptown 2 train from 66th St
Overheard by: Avatarded
Homeless man on subway speaker: I am the lord, Jesus Christ. He is everywhere, including on this train… Give Jesus money and food or else hell will come down. [As police approach] Fuck off the lord, nigga.
–1 train, 168th St
Girl to friend: You know what? You need Jesus. You need Jesus!
–John Jay College
Overheard by: Scott
Woman successfully holding many paper towel rolls in hands and an open umbrella between her chin and shoulder: I am Jesus now.
–109 & Broadway
Overheard by: trying to stay dry
Bum, after lady hands him a pack of cigarettes: The whole pack?
Lady: Yeah, take them, you can have ’em.
Bum: That is so kind of you! I can’t believe it! How can I repay you?
Lady: No, no, just take them.
Bum: I know what I will do! I will make love to your dog.
–Ave A & 7th St
Overheard by: Anna Meyer
Hobo: Never give up! Don’t you ever give up!
Teen: But why even try? Everyone loses in the end!
–St. Marks Place
MTA conductor: Hey, get off the train or we’re not moving. You can’t play here.
Panhandler playing the violin: You’re just jealous that I make more than you.
–R Train at 53rd St station
Restaurant patron: Wait, you are telling me you never wake up in the middle of the night and think you’re still in jail?
–Mottsu Soho
Overheard by: J
Guy on cell: I’ll be there in a few hours. No! Just wait! I mean can you please just not sleep all day again for three seconds?
–Canal St
Hobo: Sorry to disturb y’all! If you look at me closely, you will see some red marks. I was sleeping on the ground for a couple of days and I did not know that if you smell like food, those big rats will bite you.
–B Train
Overheard by: Jamie Paquette
Guy on cell: Hi. I’m just calling to say . . . ummm . . . I feel really bad about how things are going, how things have been. I don’t know if you got any sleep last night. I know I didn’t. But I guess I turned it to my best advantage, because I just gave the most amazing lecture. I talked for two and a half hours! So I guess I’m not totally useless to everyone.
–Chelsea Station Post Office
Anorexic dancer: Yeah, but I can’t wake up without toilet paper.
Friend: …..
Anorexic dancer: It makes sense to me.
–Meredith Wilson Residence Hall, Juilliard School
Overheard by: cherry
Patron to bartender: I mean, I sleep till 3 p.m., but that’s because I drink and do coke all the time. . . . I guess they do too!
–Barracuda
