Homeless

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads

Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No… 40 grand, and I’ll suck your dick.

–Fashion District

Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can’t teach you anything if you don’t practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.

–78th St & 37th Ave

Overheard by: Jillian

Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya’ll!

–2 train

Overheard by: Macaire

Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That’s NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Overheard by: Jay

Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, ‘Are you on Restless?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah,’ and then she dropped to her knees!

–2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: wishing i did soaps

Suit on cell: On one hand, you’re married, and I don’t need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.

–Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium

Overheard by: did he get a receipt?

Consider Making Your Greeting Less Specific

Homeless guy sleeping in cart wakes up at eight a.m.: Good noon! … Is it noon yet?
Passerby: Not yet, but you’re very close.

–West 4th St

Wasn’t This an Eddie Murphy Skit?

Hobo: You’re all a bunch of cheap people!
Conductor: This is Myrtle Avenue, Wyckoff Avenue. All the cheap people are getting off here.

–M train

Overheard by: Cait O’Connor

It’s Change for a Hundred

Hobo: You got any change?
Girl: Sorry, I only have twenties.

–D train

Overheard by: still laughing

Passion of the Wednesday One-Liners

Man: ‘Cause I’m like, ‘Seven a.m. is too fuckin’ early for Jesus — too fuckin’ early.’

–Union Square station

Overheard by: DM Cook

Caribbean woman pacing back and forth on crowded subway: Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen, Jesus is coming! Jesus is on the number two train tonight! Repent! Repent! Jesus is coming and he’s on the number two train tonight. Repent for your sins! Jesus died for you — for men, women, lesbians, gays…

–Uptown 2 train from 72nd St

Overheard by: pimnana

Drunk student: So, she said that Jesus loves you and died for your sins and made the Statue of Liberty disappear, or something.

–Uptown 2 train from 66th St

Overheard by: Avatarded

Homeless man on subway speaker: I am the lord, Jesus Christ. He is everywhere, including on this train… Give Jesus money and food or else hell will come down. [As police approach] Fuck off the lord, nigga.

–1 train, 168th St

Girl to friend: You know what? You need Jesus. You need Jesus!

–John Jay College

Overheard by: Scott

Woman successfully holding many paper towel rolls in hands and an open umbrella between her chin and shoulder: I am Jesus now.

–109 & Broadway

Overheard by: trying to stay dry

He’d Have Done It for Free

Bum, after lady hands him a pack of cigarettes: The whole pack?
Lady: Yeah, take them, you can have ’em.
Bum: That is so kind of you! I can’t believe it! How can I repay you?
Lady: No, no, just take them.
Bum: I know what I will do! I will make love to your dog.

–Ave A & 7th St

Overheard by: Anna Meyer

Damn It, Do I Have to Clean up and Get a Job to Prove You Wrong?

Hobo: Never give up! Don’t you ever give up!
Teen: But why even try? Everyone loses in the end!

–St. Marks Place

And His Union Has Never Paralyzed the City

MTA conductor: Hey, get off the train or we’re not moving. You can’t play here.
Panhandler playing the violin: You’re just jealous that I make more than you.

–R Train at 53rd St station

We Recommend 8 Hours of Wednesday One-Liners a Night

Restaurant patron: Wait, you are telling me you never wake up in the middle of the night and think you’re still in jail?

–Mottsu Soho

Overheard by: J

Guy on cell: I’ll be there in a few hours. No! Just wait! I mean can you please just not sleep all day again for three seconds?

–Canal St

Hobo: Sorry to disturb y’all! If you look at me closely, you will see some red marks. I was sleeping on the ground for a couple of days and I did not know that if you smell like food, those big rats will bite you.

–B Train

Overheard by: Jamie Paquette

Guy on cell: Hi. I’m just calling to say . . . ummm . . . I feel really bad about how things are going, how things have been. I don’t know if you got any sleep last night. I know I didn’t. But I guess I turned it to my best advantage, because I just gave the most amazing lecture. I talked for two and a half hours! So I guess I’m not totally useless to everyone.

–Chelsea Station Post Office

Anorexic dancer: Yeah, but I can’t wake up without toilet paper.
Friend: …..
Anorexic dancer: It makes sense to me.

–Meredith Wilson Residence Hall, Juilliard School

Overheard by: cherry

Patron to bartender: I mean, I sleep till 3 p.m., but that’s because I drink and do coke all the time. . . . I guess they do too!

–Barracuda

Fired From His Job as a Hostage Negotiator, Stanley Fell On Hard Times

Hobo: Hey, lady, give a dollar.
Lady: No!
Hobo: Give me a quarter.
Lady: No!
Hobo: Give me a dime.
Lady: No!
Hobo: Give me a cent.
Lady: No!
Hobo: Okay, so at least give me a hug.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: gus_no_fear

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