Girl: What do you think he would do if I pushed his cart over?
Hobo: Bitch, I don’t care if you’re a girl, I’ll beat your ass.

–Carroll St & 7th Ave, Brooklyn

Homeless man to group of people: Excuse me, do you have any spare change?
Humanitarian: No, but here are some cookies.
Homeless man: I’m a vegetarian.

–W 57th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Chris

Hobo, singing: Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb! Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was…
Man, holding out dollar: I will give you one dollar to shut the fuck up.
Hobo: (shuts up)

–14th St Subway Station

Old Jewish man: My doorman doesn’t like me.
Younger retired Jewish man with dog: Why?
Old Jewish man: If I told you, you wouldn’t believe it. I had a bunch of newspapers I had to throw out, but I had to put them in the recycling bin. So I was opening it up when a black woman said to me, “aw, sir, you don’t have to go through the garbage!” and she gave me twenty dollars!
Younger retired Jewish man with dog: You didn’t keep it, did you?
Old Jewish man: She dashed away down the stairs! I had to.
Younger retired Jewish man with dog: And the doorman saw that?
Old Jewish man: Uh‐huh.

–Chase Bank, Queens Blvd

Frustrated hobo: What are you looking for?
Batty bag lady: A car!
Frustrated hobo: Well, what kind of car?
Batty bag lady: A car I can pee between!

–Eldridge & Broome

Overheard by: Nic

Girl: And it’s, like, strike two. You’re totally not getting a baby gift when I find out you’re preggers on Facebook.

–M23 bus

Suit on cell: My dad was making out with the nurse while I was being born…

–Fulton St

Overheard by: Miss Rach

Homeless lady: God’s pregnant! He wants the city dead! God’s pregnant!

–46th St & 5th Ave

Young boy pumping arms at sides and thrusting pelvis: Fertilize me!


Columbia student: Do you go to NYU?
NYU student: Yes, how did you know?
Columbia student: I could tell by your dirty shoes. NYU gets their students from the homeless shelter.
NYU student: Excuse me?
Columbia student: I’m your biggest enemy.
NYU student: What?
Columbia student: I go to Columbia.
NYU student: Can you leave me alone?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Cooper Union Student

Homeless man to passengers: If you ever have any leftover food or drinks or whatnot, you can bring them to me at this address. (hands out business cards)
Suit: Umm… How’d you get the money to print out business cards?
Homeless man: Kiss my ass, give me that card back!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Christine

Chick on cell: We can’t let Blair and Tootie control our lives!


Overheard by: Poogins

Homeless crazy black guy to three scared white girls in their twenties: Time is crazy. Oh man, what time is “Desperate Housewives” on?!

–10th Street & 3rd Ave

Large latino: Yo, it was so good last night, I mean I can’t believe you missed it. It was the best episode I’ve seen yet, seriously bro… Well the main thing that happened was Heidi tried to apologize to LC and she was all like: “I wanna forget you!” I was like: “Whaaaaaat? For real?” It was crazy, you gotta catch it!

–Times Square Office Building

Overheard by: SUSAN

Redhead: The “Brady Bunch” world is a world without urges.

–Veniero’s, 11th St between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Muscular guy: He comes up to me talking all this shit, saying that he’ll bring it. Bring what? He’s not gangsta like I am, he ain’t thug like me. Skinny motherfucka looks like a damn burnt‐out Screech.

–On the Bus

Fulsome girl with bad dye job: I’m like: “I watch ‘Law and Order: SVU’, I’m not getting in your van.”

–15th between 6th and 7th

Overheard by: Disunionsquare

Aries Spears, in line for an Ashlee Simpson autograph: I’m the black guy from MADtv! [Grabs a random girl’s camera and snaps a picture of them together and walks away.] 

–Virgin Mobile Mega Store, Times Square

Man, almost bumping into hobo: Oh, excuse me.
Hobo: What!? You can see me!?
Man: Yes.
Hobo: Fuck! My invisibility wore off!

–120th & Amsterdam