Homeless

Wednesday One-Liners As Portrayed by Steinbeck

Hobo, after playing keyboard and screaming Christmas carols: Ladies and gentlemen, if you have any change I would greatly appreciate it. It would be going to a good cause — I need a lot of therapy.

–L stop, Union Square

Overheard by: sunny maguire

Crazy hobo to no one: It’s the Hudson River — it moved! On Christmas day, it will be April 15th. Sign my petition.

–M15 bus, Ave A

Overheard by: Getting off at next stop

Hobo: I’ll be your lover for a month if you buy me a motorcycle.

–79th & Broadway

Hobo to puddle: You don’t fucking know, man. Shit. You don’t fucking know.

–Penn Station

Homeless woman at 11 in the morning: I’m sorry to bother you all. I am homeless, and I haven’t had a decent meal since earlier today.

–F train to Brooklyn

Overheard by: I hadn’t had a decent meal at all at that time

Hobo to hobo friend: Yo, let me get your e-mail!

–W 27th St

It Takes a Lot of Effort To Make Wednesday One-Liners Look This Good

Guy to male friend: We believe that the better you look, the more spiritual you are.

–1st St & 5th Ave., Brooklyn

Overheard by: PrairieSquid

Man collecting money for the homeless: Come on guys, I’m way too pretty to be homeless.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Dara

Middle-aged African American male, with a blue NY Giants baseball cap on, and a fur coat: I’m pretty… I’m pretty… I’m pretty

–59th St Subway Station

Overheard by: nickporjr

Bum: Hey pretty! Hey pretty!
[Pretty girl coughs violently and sneezes at the same time.]Bum: Feel better, pretty.

–6th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope

Middle-aged, Chelsea-fit white guy on iPhone: Well, neither you nor any of your sisters were the beauty that I was…

–21st St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Sean

Middle-aged man: You know who was good-looking? Stalin, when he was younger. He was so dashing!

–104th & West End

Overheard by: communist!

Hygienic Wednesday One-Liners

A homeless guy is sleeping

Other dude: You smell like you want to be alone.

–A train

A Little Wednesday One-Liner in a Big Pond

Drunk girl: I just love a cock in my mouth! It is a fact of my life, like Blair and Tootie. I want to be carnivorous. I will eat fish if it's the only thing on the menu, but I really just want some meat! I'm not fishiverous!

–Party, Ditmars Boulevard, Astoria

Overheard by: likes steak AND seafood

Girl to friend: Surely if she was ever in possession of a penis, then on merit she would inherit the family lobster farm?

–28th & 7th

Ginger: Garibaldi… That is so weird. That is the name of the California state fish. I wonder if the statue is named after the fish.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: camillo cavour

Man to wife: That's too much calamari, even for a homeless guy.

–East Village

With Benefits

Girl #1: You know that guy she is with? He's not homeless, but he just got off the homeless track, you know?
Girl #2: Yeah, she's like his little helper.

–Metro North Rail

The Two Would Go on to Become Lifelong Friends

Hobo to drunk with spilled beer on lap: Hey man, got any spare change?
Drunk: Sorry man, I just peed myself.
Hobo: Happens to the best of us.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ray

And You Thought Don Rickles Was Dead

Man on cell: What do we got?
Hobo: Get broke and die, that’s what we got!

A minute later.

Woman passerby: Who?
Hobo: My dick, that’s who!

–Jane & 8th

Overheard by: yassira

Extra Points to Those Readers Who Can Remember the Actor's Name.

Man #1, pointing to hobo with Down's Syndrome: Hey, that's that one guy from that tv show…
Man #2: Who? That bum?
Man #1: Yeah, that's that whatsits–that Corky guy. Y'know, with the mongoloid syndrome.
Man #2: Wow…

–Houston & Varick

Overheard by: Houston Lunch

The New-Car Smell Of Wednesday One-Liners

Old Jewish lady to moron who parked in the walkway: Move your vehicle! Citizen’s arrest! Get the fuck out of my way!

–Brooklyn

Cop over squad car loudspeaker, to a cab driver: You’ve got to be kidding! Pull over your car now.

–74th St & Park Ave

Guy on cell: Driving? No, we shouldn’t take cars. Because people are gonna be drinkin’ and poppin’ pills and I want everyone to be safe!

–Union Square

Overheard by: rpk

Professor: So how many of you drive pick-up trucks?… Oh wait we’re in New York City, don’t see many pick-up trucks here… And why is that? Well of course it’s because you’d park your car one night and the next morning a small family of three will have a tent pitched in the back. Now there’s an awkward conversation… "Uhm excuse me, good morning but I kiiiind of need to drive to work so if you could unpitch the tent… That’d be excellent."

–St. John’s University, Queens

NYU girl on cell: No! I told you I wanted four doors! OK, love you, bye. (hangs up phone) Seriously, I told my dad I have too many friends for a two door, but that’s all he’s looking at! It’s like he’s not even buying the car for me. He’s so selfish!

–Classroom, NYU

Overheard by: Angie

Older woman on line at the Guggenheim to young British male who has been talking with a friend: "I programmed my car to sound just like you!"

–89th St & 5th Ave

Hipster or Homeless?

Guy: Did you know that there are homeless people who live underground in the abandoned subway stations?
Girl: You mean like underground people? Wait, I’ve heard of them, they have a weird name!
Guy: Like “underground people”?
Girl: No, I saw it on Felicity.

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: peter

Girl #1: Hey, I lived on the street with the street kids for like, six months. On the street. They were on drugs and stuff.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: Because it was fun…It was really only on weekends, though.

–St. Marks

Guy: I’m sick of these homeless hipsters. It’s like, you’re fucking
hipsters!

–St. Marks & 1st

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