Hobo to drunk with spilled beer on lap: Hey man, got any spare change?
Drunk: Sorry man, I just peed myself.
Hobo: Happens to the best of us.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Ray
Hobo to drunk with spilled beer on lap: Hey man, got any spare change?
Drunk: Sorry man, I just peed myself.
Hobo: Happens to the best of us.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Ray
Man on cell: What do we got?
Hobo: Get broke and die, that’s what we got!
A minute later.
Woman passerby: Who?
Hobo: My dick, that’s who!
–Jane & 8th
Overheard by: yassira
Man #1, pointing to hobo with Down’s Syndrome: Hey, that’s that one guy from that tv show…
Man #2: Who? That bum?
Man #1: Yeah, that’s that whatsits – that Corky guy. Y’know, with the mongoloid syndrome.
Man #2: Wow…
–Houston & Varick
Overheard by: Houston Lunch
Old Jewish lady to moron who parked in the walkway: Move your vehicle! Citizen’s arrest! Get the fuck out of my way!
–Brooklyn
Cop over squad car loudspeaker, to a cab driver: You’ve got to be kidding! Pull over your car now.
–74th St & Park Ave
Guy on cell: Driving? No, we shouldn’t take cars. Because people are gonna be drinkin’ and poppin’ pills and I want everyone to be safe!
–Union Square
Overheard by: rpk
Professor: So how many of you drive pick‐up trucks?… Oh wait we’re in New York City, don’t see many pick‐up trucks here… And why is that? Well of course it’s because you’d park your car one night and the next morning a small family of three will have a tent pitched in the back. Now there’s an awkward conversation… “Uhm excuse me, good morning but I kiiiind of need to drive to work so if you could unpitch the tent… That’d be excellent.”
–St. John’s University, Queens
NYU girl on cell: No! I told you I wanted four doors! OK, love you, bye. (hangs up phone) Seriously, I told my dad I have too many friends for a two door, but that’s all he’s looking at! It’s like he’s not even buying the car for me. He’s so selfish!
–Classroom, NYU
Overheard by: Angie
Older woman on line at the Guggenheim to young British male who has been talking with a friend: “I programmed my car to sound just like you!”
–89th St & 5th Ave
Guy: Did you know that there are homeless people who live underground in the abandoned subway stations?
Girl: You mean like underground people? Wait, I’ve heard of them, they have a weird name!
Guy: Like “underground people”?
Girl: No, I saw it on Felicity.
–14th & 6th
Overheard by: peter
Girl #1: Hey, I lived on the street with the street kids for like, six months. On the street. They were on drugs and stuff.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: Because it was fun…It was really only on weekends, though.
–St. Marks
Guy: I’m sick of these homeless hipsters. It’s like, you’re fucking
hipsters!
–St. Marks & 1st
Angry man yelling into pay phone: Do you know what extortion is? Yeah? Well, it’s not nice.
–Polish resturant, Brooklyn Heights
Bus driver: To all the nice people who didn’t curse at the bus driver, thank you.
–Bx 8 bus
Overheard by: You’re Welcome
Woman collecting money for Coalition for the Homeless: Now, you have a nice day, sir! I don’t wanna tell you have a nice day, because you’re a horrible person! You should be giving me money, but you ain’t and you’re going to hell! But I’m a good person, so I’m going to say have a nice day anyway! Have a nice day, ladies. Shalom!
–42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Michelle Smith
Homely redhead: I started dating this new guy, and that’s really good because I haven’t dated anyone in over a year. We’ve been on two dates and he’s married and he’s really nice.
–60th & 5th
Dude: He’s a nice guy. If you cross him he’ll tie your ears together and slingshot boxes of wine in your face.
–Bleecker
Chick: She is a nice girl! Completely crazy.
–67th St stop, Queens
Cop: You gotta keep moving.
Vagrant: But it’s free…it’s a free…
Cop: No. It ain’t.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Jason Scott
Crazy hobo with guitar to stranger: Damn… you invited a lot of people.
–1 Train
Hobo to young married couple: I have found the promised land. Seriously. I’d get a plane ticket right now, but it’d be cheaper to go to confession for a week and then get hit by a bus. Remind me to tell you about this later.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Oliver
Grimy hobo: Hey, do you guys have any change? Hey, do you guys have any change?
(20‐something girl walks past him, with businessman a few steps behind) Hey, do you guys want to have sex? Uh, I mean…
–W 3rd & Thompson
Hobo, taking donations to help the homeless, counting coins: 25…50…60… (grabs fistful of coins sticks in pocket) Tax rebate!
–Union Square
20‐something: I didn’t even realize it was my birthday until I checked Facebook!
–Upper West Side
Overheard by: mtrainetiquette
Girl to friend: We should celebrate tonight – it’s my half birthday in 10 days.
–Crocodile Lounge, E 14th St
Tourist: See nobody is wearing birthday scars…
–34th St & 5th Ave
Guy to girl: Wait, did you really believe I was going to get you a Hello Kitty vibrator for your birthday?
–45th & 8th
Drunk girl to hobo: It’s my birthday! You should be giving *me* money!
–111 & Broadway
Man in pink shirt: So, I saw this homeless man, and he asked for change. I was like, ‘Man, I’m even more fucked than you are. I spent my last change on a metro card.’ And then the guy is like, ‘Well, at least you have clothes,’ and so I was like, ‘No, I borrowed this from a drama performance.’ And then he said have I eaten? I was like, ‘No, I only ate a sandwich two days ago.’ The homeless guy is like, ‘You’re right — you are worse off than me.’
–N train
Chick: You know that hobo asking for a motorcycle? He now wants dinner in the Hamptons.
–79th & Broadway
Dude: If we see a homeless guy tonight, ask him if he saw last night’s South Park.
–Manhattan‐bound LIRR, Port Washington line
Chick: Let’s become homeless people so we can just stay on this train.
–Metro‐North to Grand Central
Overheard by: jj
Lady on cell: Yeah, I don’t like singles… I don’t like homeless people, either. I’d give my singles to the homeless.
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Beez
Queer hipster: Oh my god! Some hobo just asked if I wanted to see his pubic wonderland!
–68th & Lexington
Drunk girl to friend: I mean, he’s not, like, homeless‐homeless… He’s medium homeless!
–Bleecker & Thompson
