Today’s Special: In-bread

Guy: Ma’am, does the split pea with ham soup have wheat in it? I can’t have wheat. Do you know if it has wheat in it?
Soup Lady: Meat? Itâ€™s got ham, man! Says so on the sign!
Guy: No, wheat! Wheat?
Soup Lady: Oooh! Lemme check…HEY SAM, DOES THE SPLIT PEA HAVE WHEAT IN IT?
Sam: Meat?
Soup Lady: No, wheat!
Sam: Nah. It don’t have no wheat!
Guy: Okay, good. I’ll have a large cup of the split pea soup.
Soup Lady: Would you like a wheat roll with that?

–Juilliard cafeteria

Overheard by: H J W

Posted on March 30, 2015
College, Food, Idiots, Students

You Should Hear What They Say About You Guys

Suit #1: How do you say S-H-I-I-T-E?
Suit #2: Shee-ite.
Suit #1: God, I’ve been saying S-H-I-T all this time.

–F train

Posted on March 29, 2015
Education, Idiots, On the Subway, Questions, Suits, Words

Starvation Does Induce Trances

Girl: There’s a deli now.
Guy: They moved to Delhi?
Girl: No, there’s an Israeli deli there now, which tells you something about the scene.
Guy: I thought they moved to Delhi “where the trance scene is happening”.

–27th street office

Posted on March 29, 2015
Celebrations/Parties, Clubs, Coffee, Guys, Idiots, Office

Some Shot!

Young Woman: Are you part Italian?
Older Woman: I’m Italian by injection!

–Private party, NYC

Posted on March 28, 2015
Global Geography, Idiots, Manhattan, Old People, Questions, Race, Stupidity, Women, Words

How Copy Editors Blow Off Steam

Metrosexual guy: If I was some fish…
Girl, not looking up from her bus schedule: Grammar just cried.
Metrosexual guy: I don’t follow you.
Girl: Good, because if you did, I would have to have you arrested.
Metrosexual guy: I am so confused.
Girl: Do the words ‘you are an idiot’ confuse you?
Metrosexual guy: I hate you.

–28th & 5th

Posted on March 27, 2015
Comebacks, Default, Education, Girls, Guys, Idiots, Insults, Metrosexuals, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Street, Stupidity, Violence, Words

Though Highly Charged, Peter Proton Was a Terrible Speller

Girl: Are you sure?
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: Are you really sure?
Guy: Positive. P-O-S-O-T-O-V-E.

–Tiemann Pl & Claremont Ave

Overheard by: FriedF

Posted on March 26, 2015
Friends, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Idiots, Stupidity, Words

We Interrupt Wednesday One-liners to Give You Our 1000th Entry

Girl #1: I am so tired! I have total jet lag.
Girl #2: You can’t get jet lag; we never left the Eastern time zone.

–LaGuardia flight from Miami

Posted on March 25, 2015
At the Airport, Girls, Idiots, Stupidity, Travel, Words

The People Who Brought You the Annual “Going Out of Business” Sale

20-something girl: So, I guess we are now officially corporate hos.
30-something man: Yeah, so now you have to learn to play tennis.
Girl passerby: What does that have to do with anything?
20-something girl: Then we can be corporate hos and tennis pros — duh.
30-something man: We should do commercials… Why don’t we work for an ad agency?!

–59th & Lex

Posted on March 24, 2015
Idiots, Jobs & Careers, Upper East Side

Have You Heard of This New Invention Called Korea?

Hipster guy: I had to live with some random guy that year in a room smaller than ours right now.
Hipster girl: Whoa.
Hipster guy: Yeah, he was weird. He was like some Chinese guy. But he wasn’t like really Chinese.

–L train

Posted on March 24, 2015
Girls, Global Geography, Guys, Hipsters, Home, Sweet Home, Idiots, On the Subway, Race

The Mistake Is Starting Any Conversation With ‘Scientists Say’

Guy #1: Did you know that scientists say that sperm smells?
Guy #2: Do you mean that sperm can smell its way to the pussy or that sperm just smells in general?

–Elevator, Tribeca

Posted on March 23, 2015
Elevators, Idiots, Science, Vagina, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Idiots