Manhattan

Wednesday One-Liners, by Calvin Klein

Girl yelling to friend across street: Hey, guess what? I smelled it! I smelled it from here!

–Fordham University

Blonde on cell: So, I just took my hair down, and all I smelled was Dove and crack.

–JFK

Overheard by: spanky

Man to no one: It smells like my ex-wife in here!

–Highline Ballroom

Hootchie on cell: No joke — it smelled ripe down there. I be all, ‘Jimmy… D-A-M-N! I’m too busy gagging from the smell to gag on your bits.’

–W Broadway

Girl crying on cell to boyfriend: How could you fuck her?! Her pussy stinks!

–Union Square

Overheard by: SplendidConfusion

Thug on cell: Yo, I’m sure she smells better now, bro!

–Harlem Meer, Central Park

Overheard by: mj

There’s No Right Time to See “Losing Louie”

Overdressed ticket agent: So, Losing Louie got awful reviews, but if we’ve learned nothing else, it’s to never see a show about a funeral the day after a funeral.
Appropriately dressed ticket agent: Yeah, that must be rough… Like that time I saw Wicked right after my friend melted.

–915 Broadway

More Than Eight Spices? Some of Those Must Be Duplicates

Tourist spawn #1: Oooh! Mommy, look at that! An eyeball cushion! Can we go in?
Tourist spawn #2: Yeah! Mommy, can we go in?
Tourist mother: No! Any time there is a bunch of strange stuff in a store, you know it is expensive.

–292 Lafayette St

How Gwendolyn Got an Onion Bagel with Spit on It

Clerk: Ma’am, you did not order an onion bagel.
Biotech: Yes, I did. You’re wrong.
Clerk: Let me read back your order. [Does so.]Biotech: Look, I said you’re wrong. You’re wrong and you’re ugly!

–875 3rd Ave

To Forget How Bald You Are?

Little kid, jumping up and down: Mommy, Mommy! Are you baaald?
Mother, covering face with hand: I need a drink.

–168th & Broadway

Overheard by: Melissa Coppola

Don’t Say That ’til You’ve Seen Me Shake My Tail

Teen girl to friend: Do I look like an animal?
Friend: You look like a stripper.
Teen girl: That’s not an animal, per se.

–Broadway

Overheard by: i think she is a stripper

Twenty Percent Fewer People Are Shot There

Fat woman: Where do you want to eat?
Fat man: I don’t know. I’m kind of in the mood for Pizza Hut.
Fat woman: But Wendy’s is healthier…

–14th St

If We Don’t Hone Our Repartee We’ll Never Get on Springer

Teen boy: Your wife’s a bitch, you know that?
Man: My wife is your mother!
Teen boy: Well, I’m just saying.

–Broadway

Go Three Blocks That Way and Turn Right at the Plastic Hotels

Obnoxious woman: Excuse me, excuse me! Do you know where Park Place is?
Jaded youth: Next to Boardwalk.
Obnoxious woman: Where is that?

–E Broadway

Overheard by: Mr. Money Bags

That’s “How We Throw an Unforgettable Bridal Shower”

Mother: And how do you stop the smoke from going through the crack under the door? Put… a… wet…
Toddler girl: Firefighter?

–77th & 1st

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