Can I Have Your Autograph, Wednesday One-liners?

Old Jewess: That Suzanne Somers has some nerve. She is writing another diet book. I have a friend who has read all her diet books and every year she gets fatter and fatter.

–Music Box theatre, West 45th Street

Fratboy: She was like an ugly Paris Hilton, but not rich.

–C train

Overheard by: nicolette

Guy: I’m gonna beat you like an Olsen twin.

–68th & Columbus

Overheard by: Andrew Zar

Teen boy: Yo, I heard that Tupac was named after a Jewish holiday.

–Red Hook

Guy: Yeah, you know, that’s the great thing about the Kennedys: they get $1 off of every bottle of Scotch that they buy. You know, because their dad was a bootlegger and all.

–52 & Lexington

Posted on January 11, 2026
A-List, About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Arts & Letters, B-List, Books & Writing, Boys, Brooklyn, Celebrities, D-List, Diet/Weight, Drinking & Drunk People, Families, Fighting and ass kicking, Frat Boys, Guys, Holidays, Insults, Jews, Judaism, Lower East Side, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, On the Subway, People, Places, Politics, Pop Culture, Religion, Teens, Topics, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Women, Yeaaahhh College!

Do As I Say, Not As It’s Possible to Do

President: …and drop it off on the Upper West Side at 77th and 2nd.
Assistant chick: But that’s the East Side, you mean–
President: No, the West side at seventy-seventh and 2nd!

–E. 33rd Street office

Posted on December 28, 2025
9 to 5-ers, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Office, Stupidity

Boy Have a Penis; Girls Have Wednesday One-liners

Chick: I swear to god, I don’t know how nothing has happened to me yet, either I am infertile or the cure for herpes is in my vagina.

–6 train

Overheard by: brynn

Man on cell: Hey, baby. It’s sure hot out today…you better get out those hot pants…I mean hot shorts…your pussy must be burning up.

–56th & Broadway

Businesswoman on cell: Aw, man. If only she were a hermaphrodite! Damn!

–7th & Perry

Korean dude: Are you suggesting that you have a super dope vagina?

–Camel, W. 33rd Street

Overheard by: Dave Min

Man: We’re going to have a tampon fondue!

–Duane Reade, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: molina1230

Posted on December 21, 2025
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Brooklyn, Clothing, Duane Reade, Food, Gender issues, Health and Hygiene, Koreans, Manhattan, Menstruation, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Private Parts, Restaurants & Cafes, STDs, Suits, Vagina, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, West Village

Wednesday One-liners, I’m Your Father

Father: Oh, you mean hummus. Hamas is a terrorist organization.

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Daniel Radosh

Man on stoop on cell: Son, it sounds like you got yourself an STD.

–Windsor Terrace

Overheard by: LaurenG

Dad: Now don’t go getting lost again. It cost me a lot of money to get you back last time.

–Bronx Zoo

Father: It was because of nuclear proliferation. All the dinosaurs shot nukes at each other.

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: JB

Man: The last time a bird pooped on me I met your mother.

–Central Park Zoo

Posted on December 20, 2025
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, Central Park, Dads, Food, Health and Hygiene, Manhattan, Moms, More museums, Museum of Natural History, National Security, On Cell, Parents, People, Places, Poop, STDs, The Bronx, Topics, War

Got a Light, Wednesday One-liners?

Chick on cell: I mean, an Easter egg hunt, but with cigarettes? How cool would that be?

–6th between Prince & Spring

Overheard by: djlindee

Woman: So there were three of us, standing around the toilet, and we each threw our cigarette butts one by one into the toilet, and when I flushed it, there was this…space. And through that space I saw my family at the other end…

–Prospect Park Bandshell

Overheard by: MissHell

Man: I want to get down to a carton of cigarettes for each paycheck.

–Sunset Park

Overheard by: Priscilla Grim