Men

Wednesday One-Liners Built the Tower of Babel

Guy: Hey! Where’s my Sudanese pussy from Chinatown?

–14th & University

Guy on cell: I’ll meet you at the corner by the store with Chinese writing…Hey, wait a minute. All the fucking signs around here have Chinese writing.

–Walker & Lafayette

Overheard by: Wolf

Guy on cell: So, if this is true, then Dracula’s native language would be Hungarian rather than Romanian. And I think that is important for my research.

–Anthology Film Archives, 2nd St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: nosy cinephile

Teen girl: This bag is mad Aztec.

–13th & University

Co-Worker: So, did she mention anything about Mexicans?

–Office, W 36th St

Overheard by: Evan

Well-Traveled girl: Mexico is not a Third-World country. JFK is.

–Tea Lounge, Park Slope

Small child: Mommy, look! You can tell he’s Mexican by his eyes!

–Bodies exhibit, South Street Seaport

White girl, to Asian girl: So wait, is he just not Japanese or not interested?

–Walgreens, Union Square

Overheard by: Goldie

Businesswoman: Well you can’t kill a Vietnamese man because that would just cost too much.

–I Trulli restaurant, E 27th St

Hobo: You’re not Polish; you just think you’re Polish!

–Tompkins Square Park

Voice over intercom: Will the foreign exchange student please come to the cashier.

–Century 21

Sassy chick: I can’t believe she’s moving to fucking Cambodia to live with a fucking cricket-hunter she’s only known for two months!

–TGI Friday’s, 52nd & 7th

Overheard by: Shaina

Kind of Your Job, Stephen. Ours, Too.

Stephen Colbert: Coxsackie. It’s something that kids get when they eat their poop, or even worse, someone else’s poop. It’s highly contagious. For instance, in those playpens, with the plastic balls? Sometimes they lick the balls, and they get coxsackie…God, that sounded so wrong.

–The Colbert Report studio, 54th & 10th

Overheard by: future gyno

Here, Just Borrow My Time Machine

Man #1: I can’t find a Century 21 anywhere! Excuse me, sir, do you know where I could find a Century 21?
Man #2: The only one I know of is right by the twin towers.

–Madison Sq Garden

Overheard by: on his way to madonna

Mom Gets Her Inner Ho-Bag Out of the Garage

Man: It was nice to meet you. Now will you shake my hand?
Little boy: No.
Man: Why not?
Little boy: Because she gave you her number, but she already has a boyfriend! I don’t like that.
Woman: Shut up. That’s not true.
Little boy: If it isn’t, then why did it say “Jason and Trish, together forever” on your phone, when I turned it on right now?
Woman: Together forever, my ass; now shut up!

–Q37 bus, Liberty Ave

So These Two Crackers…

Day camper: This one’s a nigger joke.
Camp counselor: It’s a what?
Day camper: A newer joke.
Camp counselor, relieved: Oh, go ahead.

–162nd St

Overheard by: Someone who also heard nigger

You’ve Got to Go Down to Aquaman Before You Even Find a Black Villain

In line for opening night show of Superman Returns.

Passerby: What’s this line for?
Black dude: Man, everybody wants to see Supercracker.

–4th Ave, between 13th and 14th

Overheard by: Potomac

Rude Would Have Been Kinder

New Yorker: Coney Island is fun if you like that stuff. I mean, there’s a lot of nationalities down there so their accents are all…They talk like the Sopranos. Do you know about the Sopranos?
Tourist: Um.

–R Train, 28th St

Overheard by: Nick McDowell

The One Where Ross and Chandler Fix the Boss Up With Aunt Trudy

40-Something man: Nice Kermit tie. Now all you need are Kermit socks.
50-Something man: But no one would see them! Plus, my boss would be mad I’m stealing all his cool. My Aunt Trudy used to wear funky socks like that, and whenever all the kids would be at her house, they would surround her and laugh at her socks.
40-Something man: That’s cool!

–A train

Overheard by: So iheart your face

As a Fetus, He Redecorated the Uterus

Gay flight attendant, frantically running down aisle: Excuse me! Coming through. Scusa, signore. Excuse me, I need to get the back of the plane. It’s an emergency! Excuse me!! [Runs past woman, stops, walks back.] Oh my God, your scarf is fabulous; did you buy it in Venice?
Woman’s husband: Did you say there was an emergency?
Gay flight attendant: Not as big as the one that’ll happen if I don’t get that scarf!

–flight into JFK

If I Were Adam Sandler I Would Have Asked Satan for My Soul Back Circa Mr. Deeds

Man: Wow, you’re here already? That was quick.
Woman: Yeah, if I was Adam Sandler I would have said, “That was click!”

–West 44th St

Overheard by: Tomer Langberg

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