Rush Forgot His Pills

Old man: You think Hillary Clinton could be president? You’re out
of your mind. Hillary Clinton couldn’t get arrested in a whorehouse with a fist full of fifties. She’s ugly, she’s stupid and she has a big fat ass. She’s like a Hitler in female. All right, I’ll stop now and be a gentleman.
Guy: Okay.
Old man: Any Democrat on this train who thinks Hillary Clinton could be president is masturbating in their mind. All one hundred of them.
Guy: You have a nice night.

–R train

Overheard by: Dave and Lauren

Posted on February 13, 2006
About Celebrities, Anger Management, Masturbation, Old People, On the Subway, Politics, Pop Culture, Prostitution, Sex, Sex & Relationships

Show, Don’t Tell

Girl #1: I mean, she wears an external catheter at her desk!
Girl #2: We should start wearing external catheters, too, since she doesn’t give us bathroom breaks.
Girl #1: And tell her when we’re going to the bathroom.

–L train

Overheard by: Stephanie

Posted on February 13, 2006
On the Subway, Poop, Stupidity

Zero Christians Set to March in Union Square

Guy #1: What, you got a problem with me cursing?
Guy #2: Nah, nah, it’s just that, you know, sayin’ “holy fuck” is like talkin ’bout Jesus’s mom fuckin’ his dad and it’s not cool to talk about Jesus’s mom fuckin’ people.
Guy #1: Dumbass, Jesus’s mom didn’t fuck anyone. She was a fuckin’ virgin. How do I know this and you don’t? You’re the Christian.
Guy #2: What are you talkin’ ’bout? How could Jesus have been born if his mom hadn’t screwed his dad? Wait, who was Jesus’s dad again?
Guy #1: Dude, are you serious?

–F train

Posted on February 12, 2006
On the Subway, Religion, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Stupidity

Oh, So Now It’s Our Fault?

The train has been sitting with its doors open.

Conductor: PA system test.

A dude leans out the door and yells to the conductor.

Dude: It’s working, now can we get a fucking move on?
Conductor: Everyone, it’s going to be a few more minutes while that guy thinks about what he’s said.

–Q train

Posted on February 12, 2006
Anger Management, On the Subway, Subway conductors

An Apple in the Mouth is More Traditional

Man #1: Yo, your girl is huge.
Man #2: I like big ladies; more to love.
Man #1: But damn, she’s all, “Baby, give me more macaroni and cheese. Ooh yeah baby, put more cheese on top.” That’s sick, man.
Man #2: Yeah, but she knows how do to her thing, you know?
Man #1: Fuck that. She can’t even get through a sentence without running out of breath. Coughing and wheezing, sweat running down her face.
Man #2: What do you want me to do?
Man #1: Give her a fucking carrot or something! Shit.

–C train

Overheard by: Melissa Fahlstrom

Posted on February 10, 2006
Fashion, Fat People, Food, Junk Food & Fast Food, On the Subway, Sex, Sex & Relationships

More Self-absorbed Than Helen Keller

Queer #1: What would happen if I suddenly went deaf?
Queer #2: You? It would take you a while to notice.

–7 train

Posted on February 9, 2006
On the Subway, People, Queers, Stupidity

Wednesday One-liners Are Killer

Old lady: Where’s the yellow incense for the dead people?

–Titan Foods, LIC

Overheard by: Evan C. Kirchmer

Posted on February 8, 2006
Death, Hipsters, Hobos, Manhattan, Old People, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Park Slope, People, Staten Island Ferry, Teens

Call a Doctor, Wednesday One-liners!

Man: Yo, the other day I see the F arriving as I’m coming down the stairs so I run in, just making it in on time. I hold the door for this girl behind me but I slipped and her head got caught in the
closing door. She turned her head like The Exorcist and just looked at me for a second and then starting screaming. And then other people started screaming while I tried to open the doors again. The conductor finally opened up the doors and she stepped in…and stood right next to me…and stared at me until Roosevelt Island. I just got out there and waited for the next train.

–F train

Overheard by: Lee

Posted on February 8, 2006
Manhattan, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, People, Stupidity, Subway conductors, Suits, White People

Wednesday One-liners Could Use a Scrubbing

Vendor guy: I got so much dirt under my nails, you’d think I was a crackhead.

–Fulton Mall

Overheard by: Black Girl Superstar

Posted on February 8, 2006
Manhattan, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, People, Suits, Thugs, Tourists, Vendors & Street Performers

There Must Be a Good Book to Explain It

Crazy guy: Only God lives forever! You do not understand!
Drunk girl: Sir, would you like a balloon?
Crazy guy: Those balloons are beautiful. You keep them…Only God lives forever! You white people do not understand!

–N train

Overheard by: Lee

Posted on February 6, 2006
Crazies, Drinking & Drunk People, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, On the Subway, People, Religion

On the Subway