Guy #1: I can’t believe I kissed both of them.
Guy #2: I kissed both of them too.
Guy #1: …That means I, like, kissed you…
Guy #2: …I don’t even want to talk about this.
–L train
Overheard by: Stephanie A.
Guy #1: I can’t believe I kissed both of them.
Guy #2: I kissed both of them too.
Guy #1: …That means I, like, kissed you…
Guy #2: …I don’t even want to talk about this.
–L train
Overheard by: Stephanie A.
Girl #1: So then he kissed me, and it was really awkward, because I don’t want to get involved with that train wreck.
Girl #2: So what did you do?
Girl #1: Told him that I really liked him, but I was seeing someone else exclusively.
Girl #2: You are? And you do?
Girl #1: No, but being in awkward social situations makes me a compulsive liar.
Girl #2: Isn’t that also your excuse for drinking too much?
Girl #1: That’s really not fair to say.
Girl #2: So what did you do after that?
Girl #1: We did some vodka shots, and then I passed out on the subway and ended up in Brooklyn.
Girl #2: Good job.
–1 train
Overheard by: Ammie Rabelais
Old man: You think Hillary Clinton could be president? You’re out
of your mind. Hillary Clinton couldn’t get arrested in a whorehouse with a fist full of fifties. She’s ugly, she’s stupid and she has a big fat ass. She’s like a Hitler in female. All right, I’ll stop now and be a gentleman.
Guy: Okay.
Old man: Any Democrat on this train who thinks Hillary Clinton could be president is masturbating in their mind. All one hundred of them.
Guy: You have a nice night.
–R train
Overheard by: Dave and Lauren
Girl #1: I mean, she wears an external catheter at her desk!
Girl #2: We should start wearing external catheters, too, since she doesn’t give us bathroom breaks.
Girl #1: And tell her when we’re going to the bathroom.
–L train
Overheard by: Stephanie
Guy #1: What, you got a problem with me cursing?
Guy #2: Nah, nah, it’s just that, you know, sayin’ “holy fuck” is like talkin ’bout Jesus’s mom fuckin’ his dad and it’s not cool to talk about Jesus’s mom fuckin’ people.
Guy #1: Dumbass, Jesus’s mom didn’t fuck anyone. She was a fuckin’ virgin. How do I know this and you don’t? You’re the Christian.
Guy #2: What are you talkin’ ’bout? How could Jesus have been born if his mom hadn’t screwed his dad? Wait, who was Jesus’s dad again?
Guy #1: Dude, are you serious?
–F train
The train has been sitting with its doors open.
Conductor: PA system test.
A dude leans out the door and yells to the conductor.
Dude: It’s working, now can we get a fucking move on?
Conductor: Everyone, it’s going to be a few more minutes while that guy thinks about what he’s said.
–Q train
Man #1: Yo, your girl is huge.
Man #2: I like big ladies; more to love.
Man #1: But damn, she’s all, “Baby, give me more macaroni and cheese. Ooh yeah baby, put more cheese on top.” That’s sick, man.
Man #2: Yeah, but she knows how do to her thing, you know?
Man #1: Fuck that. She can’t even get through a sentence without running out of breath. Coughing and wheezing, sweat running down her face.
Man #2: What do you want me to do?
Man #1: Give her a fucking carrot or something! Shit.
–C train
Overheard by: Melissa Fahlstrom
Queer #1: What would happen if I suddenly went deaf?
Queer #2: You? It would take you a while to notice.
–7 train
Old lady: Where’s the yellow incense for the dead people?
–Titan Foods, LIC
Overheard by: Evan C. Kirchmer
Man: Yo, the other day I see the F arriving as I’m coming down the stairs so I run in, just making it in on time. I hold the door for this girl behind me but I slipped and her head got caught in the
closing door. She turned her head like The Exorcist and just looked at me for a second and then starting screaming. And then other people started screaming while I tried to open the doors again. The conductor finally opened up the doors and she stepped in…and stood right next to me…and stared at me until Roosevelt Island. I just got out there and waited for the next train.
–F train
Overheard by: Lee
