A Typical Saturday Night for David Hasselhoff

Angry drunk yelling at man: Fuck you! Fuck your mother! I hope you die, you piece of shit!
Angry drunk's girlfriend: Will you just calm down?
Angry drunk: No, fuck that! I hope he dies! I hope his mother dies! I'll fucking go back in time and terminate his mother!
Brave stranger: (laughs)
Angry drunk: What the fuck are you laughing at motherfucker?
Brave stranger: Going back in time and terminating his mother.
Angry drunk: Well, okay, that is funny… I like that movie too. (pause) Fuck him, I hope he dies!

–Q Train

Posted on July 18, 2022
Anger Management, Couples, Death, Drunks, Insults, Laughter, Movies, On the Subway, Parents, Strangers, Wishes & desires

Dad Did All the Crying

Nine-year-old girl #1: My mom says that she was in so much pain giving birth to me that they had to give her surgery. My head was too big.
Nine-year-old girl #2: Your head is not big!
Nine-year-old girl #1: Yeah, but when I was a baby it was huge.
Nine-year-old girl #2: Weird. Did you have some sort of disease?
Nine-year-old girl #1: No, but when I came out I wasn't crying, I was twirling my hair.

–Mannes College of Music

Posted on July 2, 2022
Body Parts, Crying, Hair, Height, Kids, Parents, Pregnancy & Birth Control, School, Surgery

We’ll Change It Once White People Start Saying It

Kid: Mom, where you at?
Mom: I’m right here, baby, and it’s not where you at, it’s where you is.

–Crowded store

Overheard by: spamandvikings

Posted on June 20, 2022
Black People, Kids, Moms, Parents, Store, Words

Wednesday Caniners

Stylish 20-something woman to overweight pug breathing heavily: Well, Winifred, you're out of breath because you're out of shape. (pause) No, you're not fat. You're voluminous. (pause) Yes, I am aware it's not all your fault. Mummy likes to watch you eat powder doughnuts. (pause) Pugs that look like they have a coke habit are very funny for mummy, yes they are.

–Central Park

Young hipster to Labrador, as people approach: Come on! Come on! Say hello! (dog remains seated, doing nothing) God! I've been training him for months to talk to couples and it just isn't working!

–Williamsburg

Woman to her dog: Don't be an insult to your species! Act like a dog!

–10th St & Broadway

Lady to little barking dog: Shut up. This is not your sidewalk.

–Brooklyn

Posted on June 16, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Assholes, Brooklyn, Central Park, Cocaine, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Education, Food, Health and Hygiene, Hipsters, Insults, Man's Best Friend, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Physical appearance, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Williamsburg, Women

…5, 6, 7, 8…!

Red-faced toddler in stroller: Nooooo!
Dad: Once more, with feeling!

–82nd & 2nd

Overheard by: Jamie

Posted on June 9, 2022
Boys, Dads, Default, Kids, Offers and requests, Parents, Upper East Side

Like Where Mommy Stores Her Tension

Four-year-old girl reading tag on the platform: B-A-C-K-F-A-T!
Supportive dad: Yeah, honey! That spells ‘back fat’!

–Ft. Hamilton Pkwy station

Overheard by: howardbannister

Posted on May 15, 2022
Body Parts, Brooklyn, Dads, Diet/Weight, Girls, Kids, Parents, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Sock It to Me, Sock It to Me, Sock It to Me, Sock It to Me…

Ghetto black woman to four-year-old son: The ice ain't gonna respect you, you gotta respect the ice, nigga.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Steven

Obnoxiously loud drunk guy: I need a girl who will respect my receding hairline!

–Virgil's, W 44th St

Overheard by: Check, please!

Thugette: I'm just going to say, "Look, I mean no disrespect, but go fuck yourself. I mean no disrespect, but just go fuck yourself."

–6 Train

Overheard by: i mean disrespect

20-something guy to friend: Man, you don't understand. I really respect this broad…

–35th St & Lexington

Posted on May 13, 2022
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Drunks, Friends, Ghetto Chicks, Grand Central, Guys, Hair, Insults, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Physical appearance, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Thugs, Wednesday One-Liners

Why Is It That Men Can Only Do Things Halfway?

Little boy: Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! (points at bus with excitement)
Young dad: Close buddy, close. “Bus.”

–77th & 3rd

Overheard by: Ali

Posted on May 11, 2022
Dads, Kids, Parents, Upper East Side, Words

What's a Nice Wednesday Like You Doing in a One-Liner Like This?

Creepster to woman with child entering train: You can sit here. There's no reason to be standing when you have a child with you. (woman sits) Not to sound creepy, but the view was much better when you were standing.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Creeped out.

Black hobo to young white girl: If you and I got together, we could make the next Obama.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Katie

Greasy white suit to hot black chick: My name is Mark, but you can call me "The Vagina Whisperer."

–Moe's Bar. Brooklyn

Guy hitting on four younger girls: I'll take you home and we can do something weird… I'll pour honey all over you. Then I'll put you in the closet and let loose 200 bees in there with you! Or, we could do sexy-weird! I'll pour butter all over you, and I'll make toast, and I'll wipe the butter off your back with it!

–1 Train

Older fat man yelling at attractive young woman: Hey bay! You're beautiful! Look at me! You don't want to say hi? (spreads his arms) Hey, come on, look at me. I'm Tony Baloney.

–Broadway & Hewes, Brooklyn

Posted on April 20, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Beauty, Black People, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Creepsters, Fat People, Food, Girls, Guys, Hobos, Insects, Kids, Kink, Moms, Names, Nicknames & name calling, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, Physical appearance, Pick-up Lines, Pregnancy & Birth Control, President, Public Transportation, Race, Street, Suits, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People

Parents