Girl #1: I’m going to be on time for the train.
Girl #2: I’m on E!
–Northbound on 3rd Ave
Overheard by: mish
Girl #1: I’m going to be on time for the train.
Girl #2: I’m on E!
–Northbound on 3rd Ave
Overheard by: mish
Queer #1: Why are only the uptown trains coming?
Queer #2: Maybe the uptown tunnels are really tight.
–W 4th station
MTA employee: What train is this?
Subway rider: Uh… the W.
MTA employee: Does it go to City Hall?
Subway rider: Yes, it follows the same line as the R.
MTA employee: Oh, okay, good. [Upon reaching City Hall] Wow, that was fast.
–W train at Whitehall Station
Mom to three-year-old: Actually, there are two other airports in New York. One is called ‘JFK,’ and the other is called ‘New Jersey.’
–111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Fudd
Drunk girl: Well, somebody’s walking back to Jersey tonight!
–Times Square
Man on cell: Well, you’re really going to have to gather whatever inner strength you’ve got, look inside yourself, stay strong… Be prepared to live without me around… Huh? New Jersey! What did you think I meant?
–42nd & 5th
Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson
Guy on cell: She’s moving to Israel? Really? I guess people really will do anything to get out of New Jersey.
–Park Slope
Woman on cell: No, you see, this guy was a Jersey guy. He might have made it big on Wall Street, but he’s a Jersey guy. That was a mistake.
–Battery Park
Dude #1: That’s awesome.
Dude #2: What? That the subway comes out of the ground?
Dude #1: Yeah… because it’s no longer the ‘subway.’ It’s just the ‘way.’
–125th & Broadway
Overheard by: 15X
Woman: See, now we’ve missed our train.
Little girl: Well it’s not my fault, it’s yours.
Woman: Of course, just like everything else.
Little girl: Especially global warming.
–ACE subway, W 4th
Greyhound driver, on rest stop time limits: I’m not supposed to lose people along the way… but I do.
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Lost
Bus driver: I’m movin’, I’m movin’! Jesus, all these people are in a hurry to go nowhere. They’re just going to go home and watch TV! That’s all New Yorkers do, is go home and watch TV!
–Gray Line downtown loop bus
Overheard by: keri
Bus driver: If your child is over 36 inches tall, you must pay full fare for him. If you are more than 30 years old, live with your parents, and don’t pay rent, you must pay for everyone else on the bus. Next stop: Brooklyn Hospital.
–B38 bus
Overheard by: Nathan
Bus driver: If it weren’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have no luck at all.
–M31 bus
Overheard by: Suze V.
Commuter bus driver: Attention riders: we are now arriving at Port Authority. To the students who ride this bus, you must show your ID. If you do not want to, that is no problem — find another way into New York City. Everyone, please gather your belongings, and have a nice day.
–Port Authority
Bus driver: This is the bus to Long Island Jewish Hospital. That will be the last stop. We aren’t there yet. For those of you who are going there, sit back and relax and I’ll alert you when we’ve reached the pearly gates of Long Island Jewish.
–Q46 bus
Overheard by: SuziQ
Bus driver: Good morning, everyone. Today’s my first day… my first day, y’all! And guess what happens in eleven years? I will retire. That’s right: retire. There’s all the big guys meeting at the UN this morning, so traffic’s crazy. Please, folks, be nice to me. I’m just drivin’ my bus. Is anyone late for work? Well, I sure am twenty minutes late with my bus. Ah, one person late. Come on up here and I’ll get you a cab… I said get you a cab, not pay for one!
–M4 bus
Old lady: Are you getting off at this stop?
Guy: The train hasn’t stopped yet.
Old lady: I know, but I want to be ready when it does.
Guy: Don’t worry, you’ll be ready.
Old lady: Yeah, but you’re a lot bigger than I am.
Guy: I’m not going to block the door.
Old lady: Yeah, but I’m carrying a lot heavier bags than you are.
Guy: You should get a cart.
Old lady: You should get a donkey!
Guy: A donkey? I’ll consider it.
–N Train approaching Queensboro Bridge
Overheard by: Laughing N Train
Conductor, as the 7 connection pulls from the station across the platform: All of you can thank the passenger in the fifth car down for holding the doors at 59th and making all of you miss your connection.
–N train at Queensboro
Conductor: All right, you had your chance… doors are closing.
–Downtown 1 train @ 42nd st
Overheard by: Mark Manne
Conductor on speaker: We will be stopping in this station for an unspecified amount of time due to our hour delay. There is no scheduled departure time for this train. Once the maintenance is finished we will be departing unannounced. I repeat, we will be leaving unannounced. So if you do decide to step off the train, remember: the train didn’t leave you–you left the train.
–Amtrak train Penn Station
Overheard by: Maggie
Conductor: Attention on the platform. There is no F service in Brooklyn this weekend. For F service to Manhattan, please get on this G train and listen for announcements. Otherwise, you will be waiting here until Monday morning.
–Queens-bound G train, Bergen St.
Overheard by: Maggie
Conductor: Welcome to Times Square, crossroads of the world. Transfer here to everything. Bye.
–7 train station, Times Square
Overheard by: Margarita
Conductor: Due to destruction, there is no service on the 1 train. Repeat, due to destruction, the 1 train is suspended.
–Downtown 2 train
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Manhattan-bound N train. Now everybody throw their hands in the air! This is going to be fun! Whee!
–N train going around bend, pulling into Queensboro Plaza
Woman: Can you tell me where the bus to Rochester is?
Information guy: Gate 63.
Woman: Thank you.
Information guy, after she walks away: Yeah, she wants me to lick her dirty pussy.
–Port Authority Bus Station
Overheard by: Andrew Dill
