Store

Now Try to Explain Cell Phones vs. Cordless

Cell phone chick: So if you upgrade to this new plan for $10 more a month, we’ll give you a totally free phone. $0, free of charge. All you have to do is mail in a $50 rebate form.
Woman: Wait, I thought it was free.
Cell phone chick: It is, you just pay me $50, and then send in the rebate form and they’ll mail you a $50 check.
Woman: Wait, but it’s not free? My husband will kill me if I spend
money on a new phone. What’s 50 minus 50?…I went to Syracuse University, I’m a college educated person, and I’m still confused. Is it free?

–Verizon, 34th between Broadway & 7th

Overheard by: Jordan the Intern

A Rhesus Monkey is Really Not a Good Pet

Mother: I don’t want you playing with that! It’s too big for you!
Son: I’m gonna spank it if I want to!

–Goodwill, 23rd St

Overheard by: Lady

To Make Straight People Say “Fabulous”

Yuppie: I hate you. You totally made me buy this. It’s fabulous!
Sales queen: That’s why I’m gay.

–Saks Fifth Avenue

Overheard by: big spender

And I Think Male Deers Are Involved

NYU girl #1: Why do they call it ‘Two Buck Chuck,’ anyway?
NYU girl #2: Because ‘buck’ rhymes with ‘Chuck.’

–Trader Joe’s

Overheard by: someone who knows a popular nickname for Char

Same Thing Happened to Me at a Strip Club. True Story

Pet shop owner: Don't touch the puppies!
Girl: He touched me!
Pet shop owner: He can't read. The sign is there for you.

–Pet Shop

That, or Get Snippy About the Decor

Gangsta retail guy: So this party last night was for real, totally got blasted, couldn't even wake up this morning…
Gay retail guy: I'd come to one of your parties, but all you guys do is get wasted.
Gangsta retail guy: Yeah, I'd go to one of your parties too, but all you guys do is fuck each other.

–Target, Bronx

Overheard by: Good Craic

Or… Uhhh… to Make a Social Commentary on the Oppression of African Americans?

Older white woman: Can you tell me where you have the Ku Klux Klan Christmas cards?
Young Hispanic clerk: Excuse me?
Older white woman: A friend of mine told me he saw KKK Christmas cards somewhere, and I’m trying to find them. I know it doesn’t sound too nice, but I think he’s just going to use them to make a black joke or something.

–Hallmark

Overheard by: Black woman trying to maintain her cool

Because All the Maids Spoke Spanish?

Woman with nasal voice: I just really need to get out of here, I'd prefer to go someplace warm and interesting. But I don't know where it's warm and interesting.
Yuppie man: My boss–well, I guess I should say “my partner,” cause I made partner…but it sounds so (sexual voice) homosexual to say “my partner randy”…anyway, he just came back from Argentina and he loved it.
Woman with nasal voice: Oh! I just went to Argentina, actually. And then to Uruguay. We went to this little town, it was pretty much the Hamptons of South America.

–Barnes & Nobles, E 86th St

And I Haven’t Told My Parents about Us Yet

Guy #1: Dude, I was rockin’ pink American Apparel briefs and brown pants and pink and brown-striped socks when I hung out with her! Chicks dig that attention to detail, man.
Guy #2: Keep it down, man! You sound like a fucking faggot.

–Whole Foods, 14th St

Overheard by: lil pirate

He’s Also Gonzo for String Theory and Cy Twombly Artwork

Queen #1: Have you heard of this? It’s called I-Ching. Some mystical Chinese thing.
Queen #2: Oh! I love the I-Ching. You must try the I-Ching. It’s fabulous. You can’t understand a damn thing, it’s just remarkably profound and so Now.

–Borders Books, Penn Plaza

Overheard by: Shawndrea

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