Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Make the Beast With Two Backs

Overweight hobo: The only things I look forward to in life are mayonnaise and sex!

–57th & 7th

Woman on cell: When sex turns into math, you’ve got trouble on your hands.

–Union Square

Overheard by: McFreaky

Chick, screaming into cell: What a bitch! I swear, it’s getting harder and harder to fuck your co-worker and get away without people finding out!

–JFK

Overheard by: Pixie

Realist on cell: Well you can’t expect every guy you sleep with to call you back.

–53rd & 6th

Man to female date: So, basically, you sleep with people out of hilarity?

–St Mark’s & 2nd

Overheard by: Diane

Business woman: No, I told her I’d rather have sex with my husband than buy her products. And then she hung up on me.

–Chipotle, 22nd & 6th

Wednesday One-Liners Are Hip-Deep in Vintage Crap

Drunk teen: You know, hipsters would be more successful as a movement if they had a purpose.

–Union Sq Park

Overheard by: Martina

Girl: I like to call the guys I’ve fucked by their jobs: The Cowboy, The Olympian, The Firefighter, The Soldier. Maybe tonight I can add The Hipster. They don’t have careers, do they?

–Brooklyn bound L train

Guy on cell: Yeah, I’m like 3 hipsters deep right now.

–Siren Festival, Coney Island

Girl: I see these hipster girls and they’re in those little skirts with the high heels, and they’re on their bikes. I’m like, what are you doing? I hope you get hit by a car.

–1st Ave between 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Kira

Wednesday One-Liners Grin and Bear It

Girl: People always label me. They don’t take the time to get to know me. I’m the “Really, Really Nice Girl That’s Always Happy. With a Great Smile.”

–LIRR

Overheard by: Adina

Hipster girl, to hipster guy: Does smiling hurt you? It hurts you to smile?

–Top of the Rock, Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: gus

Singing hobos, in unison: Smile, it won’t mess up your hair!

–1 train

10-Year-Old girl: His smile haunts me.

–Dinosaur BBQ, Harlem

Overheard by: megan

Tourist dad, posing his family in front of WTC site: Smile, kids!

–Ground Zero

Overheard by: Mike Pobega

Compassionate guy: Nothing warms my heart more than a smiling retard.

–Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Work in a Hot Industry

Thug, to his friend: Yo, there are mad bitches in this hood. Why you eyeballin’ me?

–73rd & York

Overheard by: I was eyeballin’ him too

Dude: I can’t believe that sausage fest! There were no females up in that bitch!

–103rd & Lex

Overheard by: robin b

Lady: You know what the difference between her and Lonny is? She’s nice, and Lonny’s a bitch.

–Tennis courts, Central Park

B&T boyfriend, calling angrily out the window of his car: Bitch, I love you!

–White St, between Lafayette & Canal

Man to old blind lady: Watch where you’re going, bitch!

–12th St & 6th Ave

Guy, laughing at friend who dropped his coffee: That’s gravity, bitch!

–49th & 8th

Queer on cell: Oh my God, she, like, worships me…Yeah, I know, I’m totally the best thing that ever happend to her…Oh, no, I can’t stand her. She’s a total skanky bitch, bitch, bitch!

–Peanut Butter & Co, Sullivan St

‘What’s That, Lassie? Wednesday One-Liners Have Fallen Into the Old Well?’

Woman, to her panting dog: It is so not hot out. Stop faking it.

–Lafayette St, Fort Greene, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Katherine B

Woman, to her dog: Look, honey, a fire truck. Yes, dear, seeee? It’s a fire truck.

–Clinton & Schermerhorn, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: The Rat

Businesswoman, to two kids sitting in front of her: I have a very tiny dog that I can fit in my bag. Isn’t that silly? She’s at home sleeping right now. She gets to sleep and I have to go to work. Isn’t that silly?…I’ll tell her you said, “Hi.”

–4 train

Overheard by: Hogan

Woman, to her dog: Come on now, mister, one of us is going to pee or poo, and I have a feeling it’s not going to be me.

–Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Bradley Price

Girl, to her sitting dog: Can I get you anything? TV? Cold soda? Foot rub?

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: walking by

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Gateway Drug

One mom to another, amidst a gaggle of small children: Tyson’s mommy has the best pot.

–Hudson & Charles

Overheard by: Matt and Mat and Jeffrey

Ghetto woman with two young children: I need a joint.

–103rd St & CPW subway station

Overheard by: danzaboi

Chick: Girl, I cannot stand living with my mom. She has this need to always be in my business. I come home from shopping, she wants to know what I bought. I mean, the other night, she was trying to tell me how to roll my weed! She was like, “You’re not doing it right.” Ugh! I’m like, “Mom, you just started doing this. Shut up, okay?”

–1 train

Overheard by: Lauren

Drunk guy: You can’t use pot! Aren’t you on an Atkins diet or somethin’?

–F train

Overheard by: braincurve

Future politician: My friend smokes weed, but he doesn’t do drugs.

–14th & Ave B

Yuppie woman: Whatever, it was just the smoking-pot equivalent of a cult.

–8th Ave, Park Slope

Hippie: Before you partake, you got to thank God for your marijuana.

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Glance Backer

Wednesday One-Liners Thought Douching With Vinegar Would Help

Biker lady: You think I have syphilis? Hah!

–Hudson River running path, 38th St

Overheard by: lukejoy

Girl on cell: I know! She was, like, so defensive about it! Like, “So he impregnated me; at least I didn’t get herpes.” I was like, “Honey, is that really a fair trade?”

–A train

Overheard by: claire

Ghetto teen: You know, like 90 percent of all people have herpes. That’s like 1 in every 3 people.

–Suffolk & Rivington

Girl: I know, when I first got chlamydia, I didn’t know who to turn to. Luckily I got it from my doctor.

–45th & 5th

Overheard by: Jerringo Nationpess

Old lady, during a Clerks II scene dealing with “ass to mouth,” to old man: That’s how you get E. coli!

–Movie theater, 86th & 3rd

Overheard by: katey

Queer on cell: I’m not saying he’s a nasty faggot. I’m just saying he has HIV.

–5th Ave between 4th and 5th, Park Slope

Overheard by: Gus

Guy on cell: So I went to Amsterdam and got a handjob from a hooker, and I thought I had HIV for, like, two years…Yeah, I’m a pretty weird guy.

–Whole Foods, Chelsea

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Left Behind

Girl: This has sterile in it. I can’t buy this; I’m allergic to sterile.

–Duane Reade, 17th & 3rd

Overheard by: mk

American woman, to Arab cashier: What, you didn’t understand what I said? Man, you illiterate.

–Classon Ave, Brooklyn

Chick: I mean, I wasn’t really mentally thinking about it.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Frat boy: Why do they call it “Steak Shack” when it doesn’t sell steaks?

–Shake Shack, Madison Sq Park

Drunk teen girl, raising her beer: Here’s to independence…and the only country that’s got it!

–Waterside Plaza

Overheard by: David Slone

Teen girl: Rebecca wanted to get brown. But brown is such a black color…Well, not that it’s black. But you know.

–D train

Overheard by: Rachel

Young guy to his girlfriend: Shut your fuckin’ mouth when you’re talking to me!

–Outside of K-mart, Astor Place

Overheard by: snap snap

Wednesday One-Liners Get Asinine

Thug: Yo, money don’t grow on trees and come out your ass.

–82nd St, Jackson Heights, Queens

Overheard by: Jobee

Old woman on cell: I came to New York to see you. Now get your fucking ass down here right now!

–52nd & Lex

Overheard by: Laughing Seattlite

Junior high kid: Well you try shoving a tampon up a dog’s ass.

–L train

Girl: It’s so hot in here I feel like I’m swimming through the swamp that is someone’s ass.

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: TommyBP

Suit on cell: I will not be disrespected like this. I ain’t gonna be disrespected! I’m a grown ass man, damnit!

–Tribeca

Guy, after being yelled at by the driver who has rammed his car: Look, just calm down. Let me explain something: you’re an asshole, all right?

–2nd St & 7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: johnnymac

Thug on cell: He get his ass whupped one time, he won’t testify. Plus, he all short, like 5’9″ or 5’10”, and carry all that weight. I whup his ass, we won’t have no more problems.

–DMV, Atlantic Center, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Complicated Genealogy

Man on crowded train: If my mother were here, I’d sit on her lap.

–Downtown A train

Overheard by: not his mother

Amateur anthropologist: It’s not incest unless it’s, like, your brother.

–E 72nd

Mom, to teenage son: Darling, sweetie, love of my life, I’ve accepted that you’re gay, haven’t I? And there’s a lot more that I’m willing to accept. But if there is one thing I’m not ok with, it’s flat-ironing my son’s hair. Ask your sister.

–Uptown 6 train

Woman on cell: You did what?…Why the fuck would you do that?…Yeah, I know he’s your cousin, but you didn’t have to tell him that I slept with his brother. I was going to tell him…When?…After we got married!!

–13th & University

Girl, digging through purse: Shit, I think my cousin robbed me.

–Urban Outfitters, Bleecker & Broadway

Overheard by: intern

Screaming woman: I’m not in your house; I’m in the middle of the street! Stop making fun of my grandmother!

–W 139th St, 2 a.m.

Overheard by: Isha

Girl on cell: I don’t look at him like a father; I look at him like the man who gave birth to me.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Cat

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