Wednesday One-Liners

For Occasional Irregularity, Take These Wednesday One-Liners

Girl: I can’t go to the bathroom, I can’t eat grapes, I… I’ll be in a bubble!

–Brooklyn bound F train

Hipster girl, emerging from Port-a-Potty: Hey, guys, you have to feel this toilet paper! It’s like silk!… I know, I’m a weirdo.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Overheard by: Roz

Suit: I swear to God, it came out sideways. It hurt coming out, then I got up and looked at it, and it was floating sideways.

–Manhattan bound J train

Overheard by: Barry P.

Voice from bathroom stall: Yes!

–Women’s bathroom, Hunter College

Overheard by: acep

Girl, to friend washing her hands: Come on, let’s just go. There are more germs on the sink than on the toilet.

–Restroom, Grand Central Station

Woman, walking out of stall: Left you something!

–Restroom, Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: alan b hutscar

Guy: When I clenched my jaw really hard while I was trying to poop, I think I chipped a tooth.

–14th & 3rd

Four Wednesday One-Liners and a Funeral

Guy on cell: I swear, I told you beforehand. I told you I was married.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Nicole and Caitlin

Five-year-old: Daddy, how come you ask all those women if they’re married?

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Caroline McGraw

Woman: I cannot wait ’til the wedding is over so I can go off this fucking diet!

–51st & 6th

Overheard by: jpnyc

Female suit: It’s a funeral, not a wedding, you baboon. Bring your own sandwich.

–59th & 10th

Overheard by: marie

Wednesday One-Liners Are Stupid. There. We Said It.

Woman on cell: When you assume, you make an ass of yourself.

–4th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Mark

Hipster: Yo, what’s up with Filene’s Basement? That shit’s on the top floor!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Tourist: Is that the Enron building?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Robyn

Tourist to security guard: Are these all originals?

–Impressionist Gallery, the Met

Overheard by: j-diddy

Female tourist: I could never live in Central America because I’d miss the ocean.

–Restaurant bathroom, Little Italy

Overheard by: Olia

Girl looking at subway map: What about that thing, that star–“You are here”? They don’t have that?

–(Moving) uptown 1 train, 59th St

Overheard by: Jo

White hipster girl: Is black semen black?

–86th & Park

Wednesday One-Liners Make the Cover of People

Tween boy: Then Tom Cruise and Will Smith get married and have babies.

–74th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Rachel

3 year old: Ahhh, my mouth is on fire! My mouth is on fire! Help me, Tom Cruise!

–89th & Broadway

Overheard by: Alex

Man to girlfriend: Shit, I like that Martha Stewart. She a gangsta in disguise.

–Kmart, Astor Place

Guy: He is like the L. Ron Hubbard of Teach for America.

–Lenny’s, 77th & 2nd

Overheard by: Rebecca

Crazy guy: You fuckers don’t deserve to be here! John Lennon died for peace and tolerance! Get the fuck out of here, queers! John died for peace and humanity!

— 72nd & Central Park West

Overheard by: emily

Chick on cell: Yeah, he wouldn’t watch my kid last night because he was hanging out with Wilmer Valderrama.

–1st Ave between 12th & 13th

Hobo: Betty Boop killed Martin Luther King!

–1 train

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Wednesday One-Liners Say Shabbat Shalom

Confused shiksa: I don’t know, he was either Jewish or Polish or something…He had on that little beanie, you know?

–Gate 5, Delta Terminal, JFK

Asian chick: I like you because I can say all this ignorant Jewish stuff, and you know what I’m talking about.

–Dallas BBQ, 23rd & 8th

Overheard by: McFreaky

Guy on cell: No it’s all going to be fine. We already locked up the rabbi.

–PATH train

Overheard by: He didn’t even look like Mel Gibson…

Black guy #1 to black guy #2: Jews for Jesus? What kind of racist shit is that, Negro?

–Subway tunnel, Times Square

Overheard by: Cameron H.

Hipster: I was at a Klan meeting when I found out I was Jewish. I just about hung myself.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Nial

Chick: They were either Orthodox Jews or Rocky Horror fanatics.

–11th & 2nd

Overheard by: Saran Wrap

Egyptian dude: See, other people in the Middle East do not really hate Jews. We are very similar to Jews, actually. Egyptians and Palestinians and Lebanese and Israelis, all of us make lots of deli foods that have lots of spices and names that are fun to say…And if you are Egyptian, the war does not mean so much. If you grew up there, you grew up with the giant pyramids. You know the pyramids? Yes, well you can see them from the city, and you think “Who built those? Slaves. Who did they build them for? Dead people.” And then things like wars do not bother you so much.

–Pita Pan, 1st St & 7 Ave, Brooklyn

Wednesday Fuckin’ One-Liners, Dude

Guy on cell: Yo, did you get me my plane ticket? I need to fuck this guy up and get the hell out of here.

–MacDougal St

Overheard by: Lauren

Metro NY guy: Take the fuckin’ paper!

–42nd & Vanderbilt

Overheard by: didn’t take the fuckin’ paper

Hipster boyfriend to hipster girlfriend: You can go fuck, fuck, fuck yourself, and I don’t fucking care, you fuck.

–Bleecker & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Patty K.

Guy on cell: Fucking? Are you Fucking?…Beating off?…What’s that sound?…I don’t know; I’m out of guesses!

–14th & 5th

Overheard by: Thompson

Construction worker, building a new school: So we fucked it up. It’s Friday anyway. I don’t have to look at it no more.

–35th St & 35th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Jillian B.

Suit: And now she wants to be involved in my strategic planning initiative? Fuck her!

–Rockefeller Plaza

Overheard by: Brendan Rogak

Little girl, receiving a stuffed frog from her parents: Fucking frog!!

–122nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: frog-waiting-to-be-kissed

Wednesday One-Liners Go Down

Suit: I’d leave my wife for her if her clit didn’t taste like a spicy tuna roll.

–Chambers & Broadway

Girl on cell: I don’t care how many fingers you put in her. Bottom line is, she didn’t blow you. So I win.

–Times Square

Overheard by: shap

Utilitarian guy: A blow job is better than no job.

–Sex Work Conference, The New School

Overheard by: wendy

Girl: $50 for a 2-minute bj? I’d do it. It takes me 8 hours to make $50. Shit.

–Queens bound F train

Overheard by: Marisa

Dude: So, did she orgasm in your mouth?

–219 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Trey Givens

Hipster: I’m thinking of getting that little string thing attached to my tongue cut off so I can eat pussy better.

–Chinatown bus

Queer #1 to queer #2: Well if I’m not giving you head and you’re not giving me head then we’ve got a problem.

–Wachovia, 17th & 7th

Overheard by: Joanna

Wednesday One-Liners Are Into Water Sports

Tourist guy: Every step is a new adventure! [step] Diesel! [step] Vomit! [step] Urine!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Carrie

Hipster: If you drink someone’s pee ever again, I won’t talk to you.

–45th & Lex

Drunk chick: I demand a urine scent!

–Macdougal Ale House, Macdougal St

Dude: I’m serious, guys, use the bathrooms. No more peeing in bottles!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: eviltwin

Woman on cell: Look, I’m sorry I had to use that kind of language on you, but, yo, how you gonna just whip out your penis and start pissin’ on the train with everyone watchin’?

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Juan Chung

Mid-20’s woman: Girl, I had to pee so bad but I figured I’d wait for that nigga to cum, and all of a sudden shit came leaking down my leg and he said, “Damn, girl, you have to get that shit fixed.”

–6 train, 51st St

Overheard by: Jason Labutka

Wednesday One-Liners Are Gaga in Gotham

Ghetto girl on cell: How you ‘spect me to find you? This map has, like, so many places on it!

–Brooklyn Botanical Gardens

Overheard by: vix

Tourist: But we are in SoHo!

–16th & 6th

Overheard by: Yours Truly

Tourist to MTA agent: Which train do I need to take to get to South Ho?

–W 4th St subway station

Overheard by: Emily

Teenage tourist: Ohmigod…CBGB… BCBG…Whatever. We totally have to go!

–22rd & 5th

Overheard by: zr

Tourist lady, pointing to Liberty Island: There are people over there. Why are there people over there?!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Not quite sure

Jappy tourist: Hey, we’re trying to get back to New York Island; do you know the best way to get to 48th and 8th Avenue?

–2nd St between A & B

Overheard by: Where Am I?

Yuppie tourist: Christina, Christina! Is this Ground Zero?

–5th Ave, outside Plaza Hotel

Overheard by: D

Wednesday One-Liners Should Have Tried a Puppy First

Guy, watching a toddler have a meltdown on the sidewalk: Where’s Susan Smith when you need her?

–Hudson & Jane

Overheard by: jose clunie

College girl: Mom, I can’t babysit them. Mom! Listen to me! I’m sorry, I don’t like babies. I find we have very little in common.

–34th & Broadway

Lady: I don’t know if that woman ever found her baby’s head!

–King’s County civil court, Brooklyn

Overheard by: kate s

Mother to infant: I’m so glad you’re getting a personality now! You used to just sit there and bore the fuck out of me. I wasn’t sure if I was going to love you! You’re not going to remember that, are you? [to friend] Is she?

–Water St & Hanover Sq

Overheard by: zack

Guy surrounded by kids: You’re all a bunch of savages. Little savages, that’s what you are!

–151st & Broadway

Overheard by: Pants

Woman to baby in stroller: No crying! Crying is unacceptable. I don’t care how bored you are. [to clerk] Does this come in pink?

–J Crew, Tme Warner Center, Columbus Circle

Lady on cell: No, she don’t like anyone. She mean as shit…Nah…Nah…She don’t even like her own children.

–Port Authority

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