St. Patty’s drunk: So, wait… I was told that we aren’t allowed to drink in Penn Station today, but all the vendors are selling beer. What’s the deal?
Cop: Well, they shouldn’t be selling it. If you are caught, you will be ticketed and–
Interrupting cop: –Dude, just put it in a paper cup! Go right there, buy that beer, and ask for that red paper Coke cup. That’s all.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Super Mike
Black guy: And in this movie, Leonardo DiCaprio was the most selfless guy ever — all he cared about was money.
–Jackson Hole, 91st & Madison
20-something exasperated chick on cell: It’s a little something I call the hundred and fifty bucks I have to pay once a year! It’s a little something called my rent!
–W 10th & Waverly
Overheard by: I call it that too
Geek: Have you ever pictured someone swimming in a pool of money? Do you know how much that would hurt?
–54th & 10th
Overheard by: Allisa
Mom to little daughter picking up garbage: Don’t pick up stuff off the street… unless it’s money.
–14th & 2nd
Suit: … And they find him in Brussels with one million dollars in his suitcase.
–Chambers & West Side Hwy
Overheard by: Mike McG
Conductor: Attention, passengers, the power for this line has shorted out. Track workers are coming down to reset the breaker. We should be delayed for 15 to 20 minutes. A buck fifty — you get what you pay for.
–PATH train, stuck under the Hudson
VP: I certainly don’t want you to think it’s all about money, because it’s not — it’s mostly about money.
–Office, Park Ave South
Chick on cell: I don’t remember why he put the phone in the oven… I think it was to prove a point. And my mom didn’t know, so she turned the oven on and then the phone caught on fire.
–NYU trolley
Panhandler: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not trying to get drugs. I’m not trying to buy alcohol. I’m just trying to survive. It’s a hard life out there trying to sleep, and people always trying to set you on fire.
–F train
Guy with Jamaican accent: Women be causin’ the men to be committin’ adultery. Women be causin’ the men to be lustin’ after the butt. Women need to put their butt back into their pants. Women, you need to cover your butt, or it will be covered in fire.
–4 train
Overheard by: The Cannon
NYU politics professor: … So if you want to stay warm out there, you’re free to burn the flag.
–Silver Center, NYU
Guy sprinting to JAP on cell: Ma’am! You’re on fire! [Guy grabs her Vera Bradley purse, on fire from her cigarette, and throws it savagely to the ground.] I’m sorry, but I had to do that. [JAP stares blankly at him and continues cell conversation.]
–Bobst Library, NYU
Overheard by: J-Steve
Little nephew: The kids who celebrate Kwanzaa at my school said that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.
Drunk uncle: You should tell them that the myth of a college education and a prosperous life that they belief in are an even bigger lie!
–Penthouse, Park Ave
Performing hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, while I do tell jokes, I just want to say that I keep it clean for the family. I don’t like to curse or use foul language at any time. So to those that give money, I thank you, and to those that don’t, go fuck yourself and get the fuck outta my house!
–3 train
Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag
Hobo, just after nine a.m. on a weekday: You’re late! All of you are late to work! All of you… Late, late, late!
–42nd & 8th
Overheard by: jairoski
Hobo shaking cup of coins: Hi, I’m starting a presidential campaign and any contribution would help!
–E Houston, near Mott St
Overheard by: Sannie
Hobo: Good afternoon. Can anyone help me out by sparing some change? [To processed and painted old lady passerby] Girl, you look just like Alexis from Dynasty!
–Spring & Mott
Overheard by: liza
Hobo: I’ll be offended if you call me a crackhead. I’m not a crackead, I’m a rock star. Now, does anyone have 20 dollars for me so I can buy some crack?
–2 train, Bronx
Hyperactive kid is jumping around on benches and talking non-stop.
Hobo to babysitter: Too many pills. That girl is on too many pills!
–81st & 5th
Overheard by: i agree
Hobo holding banana like a gun: Gimme all yo’ money, I’m the banana bandit! [People shuffle by, averting eyes, and hobo gets sad] Nobody listens to the banana bandit…
–Fulton St & Grand Ave
Little boy #1: You remember we don’t like girls, right? I don’t like girls.
Little boy #2: Yeah, but you should have worn your dinosaur shirt. They’re very in today.
–LIRR
Queer on cell: Should I decorate my balls with diamonds?
Random passerby: Yeah!
–Broadway
Overheard by: K the Bomb
Teacher #1: We could videotape each other.
Teacher #2: And then we could put different names on them.
–Teacher’s lounge
Mom to 13-year-old boy: Honey, that was really scatological.
–Bleecker & 6th
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Woman: No, tiny Katie — the one with the enormous mammary protruberances.
–R train, Queens Plaza
Overheard by: I mean I wanna squeeze ’em!
Suit mom to teen daughter: We should go, but before we do, perhaps we should urinate.
–Barnes & Noble, Court St
Overheard by: Zenana
Dude: I have many ways to distance myself from other people. Primarily gastronomically.
–12th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: tbull
Man on cell: I am so not litigious. I am, like, violently not litigious.
–66th & Broadway
Overheard by: Nora
Girl: I mean, come on! We’re in college! Can’t the word ‘silly’ stay in the dorms? I mean, there’s a dictionary full of words that could be used to describe something so… erroneous.
–Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Guy: No, I don’t wanna see that bitch again.
Girl: Oh, it’s not that bad. It’s like… You have your arm around me, and you’re wearing a bra.
–E 93rd St & Lex
Overheard by: Kerri
