All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Didn’t Listen to Nancy Reagan

Black guy on cell: Yea! Yea! He just called me up. I was like, "Yo, stop callin me up"… Yea!…. Yea my sister’s on crack!

–Houston & Essex

Overheard by: saywhat?

Suit: Well, I’m a drug dealer, so I have a phone for each kind: a pot phone, a coke phone, you know…

–R train

Queer on cell: Oh my God. I left the check at home. I am such a fucking idiot. I am such a FUCKING idiot! Yeah, I’ll be there at six. Ok. I’ll bring you E and orange juice.

–Bank of America, 6th Ave

Overheard by: CarrieBoo

Bum: Hey… can you spare me $20 dollars, so I can buy some crack cocaine? I mean, I’ll share it with you. I have enough for a 10 but I want a chicken head to slob on my knob while I take a hit…

–96th St Subway Station 1,2,3

Overheard by: Franco

Smooth talker: So my ex-girlfriend was a blonde Long Islander cokehead and now here I am with you. So you can see this is a real step down.

–Les Enfants Terrible, Canal & Ludlow

Overheard by: wants to meet the ex

Hipster: You OD’d? WHERE?

–14th & 6th

Bitter ex: And fuck him and his fuckin’ wooden leg that I didn’t even know he sold crack out of!

–80th & 3rd

Disgusted hipster: I mean, I only do drugs as a joke!

–14th St L station

Overheard by: Em

Who’s Who in Wednesday One-Liners

Student: Did Mohammed invent Arabic with the Koran?

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Krisztina

Dude: Help me, Mr. Bloomberg. Please help me, Mr. Bloomberg.

–Rivington & Bowery

Overheard by: Miss V

Girl: Fuckin’ Teddy Roosevelt. Who gives a shit about Teddy Roosevelt?

–5th & 10th

Tourist: I know Kenny Rogers. Doesn’t he make chicken?

–Veniero’s, 11th St

Overheard by: Caitlyn

Biker: I heard George Bush was supposed to be here. Where the hell’s that bitch nigga at?

–World Trade Center

Professor: Madonna has the vulnerability of a cash register.

–Fordham

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Girl on cell: She was definitely trying to get me mad. She’s like, “Yeah, people in L.A. hate New Yorkers.” And I’m like, “Are you saying this because I said your boyfriend looks like Chuck Norris?”

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Laura

Wednesday One-Liners Try to Suck Their Own When No One’s Around

Hot chick: What’s the use of having penis-shaped cake pans if you’re not going to put them to use at least once a year?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Gnometastic

Man on cell: Promise me, when you see the giant penis, you will NOT laugh!

–78th between 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Stacy in the City

Guy: So I was sucking this guy’s dick… and he has kids!

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Ryan

Guido: So did anyone else besides you have a cock in their mouth?

–75th & 3rd

Overheard by: Cody

Careful planner: Now we have to get it out of your pocket and onto your penis.

–168th & Broadway

Guy on cell: So, how many inches do you think I am?

–Columbia University

Teen boy, looking into sex shop: Ooohhh…they got the dick pump!

–38th & 8th

Wednesday One-Liners Ride the Train (Whoo-Whoo!) and Ride It

Conductor: Last stop, Grand Central Terminal. Remember, don’t drink and drive, but if you are going to take the train, drink ’til you go blind. Have a nice evening.

–Metro North, Grand Central

Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. Next stop, uh… Franklin… naw, that’s not it. Well, let’s go.

–Brooklyn bound R train

Overheard by: Matt Hartwick

Conductor, to woman standing halfway in the motorman’s booth flirting with him: Wanna drive?

–7 train

Overheard by: Margarita

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is not roll call. This is not Mickey Mouse roll call. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–4 train, Wall St

Overheard by: Pandora

Conductor: Please step in and watch the closing doors… Sir. Move your stuff out of the doors so I can close them! Motherfucker gonna make me late… gonna make us all late!

–Queens bound R train

Overheard by: Jay Kay

Conductor: We are now approaching 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. If you’re not getting off here, you should. Go see the second half of the Boston Massacre. Have a good day.

–Uptown 4 train

Overheard by: Helena the Great

Conductor: There is no V train service on the weekends. Get on this train. I repeat, there is no V train service on the weekends. What are you waiting for? Just get on my train!

–Downtown E train

Overheard by: tyler ann

Wednesday One-Liners Are on Red Alert

Guy accepting donations: Help feed the homeless! Even terrorists can help feed the homeless!

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: sugar ray mcgrath

Hobo: If you see an unattended bag or package, please report it to the nearest New York Police Officer or MTA worker. If one is not around, tell me. I’ll open that shit up.

–4 train, Fulton St

Overheard by: Laura

Hobo, to tourist family taking group photo: Terrorist! Terrorist! Terrorist!

–C Train, 72nd St

Overheard by: Barry P.

British tourist: But there were two Empire State buildings, right? That fell?

–WTC site

Overheard by: J Bird

Girl: Last night, I was so drunk I forgot about 9/11.

–NYU

Overheard by: Bronwyn

Lady to nervous woman: Can I ask you a question? I ain’t a terrorist or nothin’. I’m from New Haven.

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Fudd

British bloke: You mean they don’t have any missiles here, in Manhattan?

–Grand & Broadway

Overheard by: jcm

Mama Said There’d Be Wednesday One-Liners Like This

20-Something chick: Yeah, well that was when I used to get drunk with his mother.

–176th St between Audubon & Amsterdam

Overheard by: sj

Drunk girl: I always end up with the ones with mommy issues. Like, does it look like I’m lactating, motherfucker? Didn’t think so.

–Park Slope

Tween boy: Well, my mom was lactating at the time, so I just drank that.

–7th Ave & 5th St, Park Slope

Professor: Mothers are not uncommon in families. Grandmothers don’t count because they’re not sexual threats.

–Fordham

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Construction worker: Yeah, I fucked her and her mom. I know, Ma, I’ll call her back.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Tom

Woman on cell: You need to calm the fuck down. Calm down. You need to calm the fuck down! Bullets do not have names. Mama said that. You be runnin’ around with the crips, with the gangs. You gonna get your ass shot. You listen to me: you need to calm the fuck down!

–Metro-North

Overheard by: MojoSaves

Girl: But, Mom, I can’t trust you if you don’t like me!

–Starbucks, 75th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ali

Ebert and Roeper at the Wednesday One-Liners

Woman, watching Jet Li movie preview: I won’t see it. All they ever do is hop around, and I have no idea what’s going on.

–AMC Theatre, W 42nd St

Overheard by: Jason

Slow learner: Yeah, we just got out of Miami Vice…Yeah, I’ve seen it twice. Trust me: do not see that movie!

–42nd between 9th & 10th

Overheard by: Ash

Young woman: When I went to see Snakes on a Plane, I didn’t think there’d be snakes! On a plane!

–Regal Cinemas, Union Square

Tween boy: After seeing that movie, I have to say: Johnny Knoxville is the most suicidal person next to Jesus.

–C train

Overheard by: Dirty D

Ticket taker, directing people to theater: Go out the window and take a left.

–AMC 25, Times Square

Overheard by: L

Blonde girl: Isn’t Short Circuit the movie with R2D2?

–Rooftop party, W 43rd

Overheard by: Esther

Guy in very crowded train: It felt like Schindler’s List for a second there.

–7 train

Overheard by: giants fan

Wednesday’s Child is Full of One-Liners

Ten-year-old: If I work on my claw skills, I will always be able to tell what time it is!

–CVS, Lexington Ave

Child tourist: There’s so many people. Don’t they have jobs?

–Times Square

Overheard by: rae

Young boy: Were you sniffing my father?

–Bronx Zoo

Little girl: I can’t wait ’til I have my own psychic friend.

–181st & Pinehurst

Overheard by: Josh h

Young boy: Mommy, I wanna go see the thongs.

–Saks

Overheard by: Butt Floss

Young girl tourist, exiting taxi: Goodbye! I love you! More than all the other cabs!

–Thompson & 3rd

Overheard by: kerm and mere

Little girl: You always make things up! You made this game up, you made the rules up, you even made me up!

–19th Ave, Brooklyn

Hee Hee Hee, You Said ‘Wednesday One-Liners’

Woman: See? I’m really good at boning.

–Gavroche, 14th & 7th

Overheard by: the immature restaurant guest

Woman, yelling over to man during downpour: How come every man I date ends up getting me wet?

–Water Club, 500 E 30th

Overheard by: Carolyn

Burly guy: Dude, can you help me get it up?

–Gold’s Gym, 250 West 54th

Teen: I was so thirsty. Anything that went in my mouth, I swallowed.

–LIRR

Overheard by: kaydot

NYU trendoid: I need some nuts, like, hardcore.

–MoMA

Conductor: Please let the passengers get off before pushing on the train. Get them off. Get them off. Get them off fast!

–Manhattan bound L train

Overheard by: Philip

Girl: Ooo! I’ll suck on it with you!

–3rd St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: confused grad student

Wednesday One-Liners Could Use a Fig Leaf

Girl: I’m almost too comfortable with old-people nudity.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: hannah

Middle-Aged woman: Oh my God, you should have been there to see my husband naked-bodysurfing.

–Thompson & Spring

Man on cell: Yeah… I’m just calling to let you know the Naked Cowboy called in sick today because of the rain. Yeah, I’m going to take his place. I just wanted to let you know. OK. Bye.

–48th & 2nd

Young woman: There’s the Naked Cowgirl. She’s not all that. She’s not even that pretty!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Derek Powazek

Girl: It’s not like when a guy sees you naked, he’s gonna be like, “Yo, I wish you were more muscular.”

–College Walk, Columbia University

Girl on cell: Because grown sisters naked in a room together is weird!

–L train, Metropolitan Ave

Overheard by: Must be weird

Woman on cell: Naked on the couch?… God, I don’t blame you.

–3rd & A

Overheard by: Kira

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