All Wednesday One-Liners

Where There’s Smoke There Are Wednesday-One-Liners

Guy on cell: Yeah, I just caught Kev with a joint and I flipped out on him and took it to destroy it. Yeah, I was an idiot though. I tried to burn it.

–Bay Parkway & 86 St

Overheard by: Ben

Guy: He would be no good on a deserted island. I wouldn’t eat him. He would just be thrown in the fire.

–Union Square East

Guy: My sprinkler growing up was a fire hydrant.

–Tompkins Square

Overheard by: Lila J

Woman: Either there’s a building on fire or a whole lot of marijuana.

–3rd Ave & 10th St

Little girl: Mommy, do even tiny peppers burn your asshole on the way out?

–Taco Bell, 6th Ave

Cop to sad-faced mime: You can do anything you want, you just can’t have anything on fire.

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: futurebird

Ghetto girl, looking at burning car: That one angry bitch.

–103rd St & CPW

Overheard by: Little Match Girl

Our Product Regrew Wednesday One-Liners in Four Out of Five Users

Straight guy: I need to change my hair. Four out of five girls with that bachelorette party last night thought I was gay.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Phil

Guy: Listen, it’s not hair replacement. It’s a system.

–Sterling & 7th, Park Slope

Overheard by: A White Bear

White guy: Yeah, and I ripped out her weave.. it was awesome!

–14th & 5th

Overheard by: Amelia D

Hobo: All Democrats must have pink hair, by mandate of the homeless Republican!

–12th & 6th

Overheard by: theNJl

Ghetto girl: She wanted to charge me $400 for my hair. She was gonna charge me by the pound! Who charges for hair by the pound? I could get my homegirl to do it for $20. Never buy your hair from someone in the ‘hood!

–5 train, 125th St

Overheard by: La Liz

Bald queer: Oh, now I have to do my hair again. It’s so difficult to keep my hands out of it!

–Elevator, 1250 Broadway

Please Clean up After Your Wednesday-One-Liners

Cokehead to small dog: You piss me off.

–St Marks Place

Overheard by: Murray

Woman to her dog: What the hell are you doing?

–Fairway Market, W 74th & Broadway

Overheard by: Megan Ingraham

Little boy to pigeon walking behind him: Stop it!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Will

Creepy old guy to dog: Yeah, yeah. Smell me. Smell me.

–Stairwell of apartment building, W 105th St

Overheard by: inge

Man to his dog butt-sniffing dog: Don’t do that! I told you not to do that! This is why you don’t have any friends!

–117th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: robin b

Woman to yapping pooch: Shakespeare, we’ve talked about this!

–72nd St & York

WASP to dog: You’re not going to get cheese on your fries if you don’t stop misbehaving right now!

–Shake Shack, 23rd St & Madison

Overheard by: Matt C

Wednesday-One-Liners Pledge Allegiance to the Vag

Hipster girl: I don’t want to do that to my vagina! I want my vagina to smell like va-gi-na! Who would do that to their vagina?

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Edward Dandelions

Crazy ranting dreddy guy: Respect the vagina!

–St. Marks & 2nd

Hipster Girl: After sex with him, I like, hydrogen peroxided my vagina.

–1st Ave & 9th St

Angry man on cell: No, we weren’t fighting last night, I ate your pussy!

–C Train

Overheard by: Ada

Girl: So he was like, ‘How was your vacation’ and I was like, ‘My vagina’s sore.’

–Coffee Shop, Union Square

Guy on cell: Put your head between your legs and suck your twat.

–19th St

Overheard by: Gross

Boyfriend to girlfriend: Wait, that’s the vajayjay?

–Bodies Exhibit, South Street Seaport

This is Wednesday-One-Liners’ Stop

Man boarding bus to driver: You better not go flippin’ this bitch over!

–Fung Wah Bus, Chinatown

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Young mom: No! I will sit down! You’re a kid, you don’t even have to pay to ride the bus. I did, so I’m sitting! Move!

–M60 Bus

Bus driver: Everyone get on the bus, I got a schedule. For those of you sneaking on in the back, can you at least do it fast? I’ve got places to be.

–B45 Bus

Overheard by: Robin M.

Driver of a Chinatown bus : Does anyone know how to get out of the city?

–Broadway

Wednesday-One-Liners Will Be Held in the Station Momentarily…Thank You for Your Patience

Conductor: There are seats towards the back of the train.
Keep walking! Sometime today, people. What did you stop for? Keeeep walking!

–Train to Grand Central

Overheard by: Muffin

Conductor: Where’s the other guy? Raj, if you can hear me, you can come pick up your My Little Pony from the booth.

–LIRR, Hempstead station

Subway station announcement: Because of an earlier incident, all trains are now running.

–Union Square Station

Overheard by: E Moran

Conductor: This is 36th Street. Step to the side and let all the monkeys off the train. Let the monkeys off the train.

–Queens bound N train

Conductor: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is an extremely crowded F train. Next stop is Jay Street, and by this time it’s official, every person in New York is on this train. Please stand clear of the closing doors, if you can.

–Coney Island bound F train

Overheard by: F Train Sloper

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the next stop is 59th Street. And if you haven’t voted and are thinking of voting for Bush, please see the movie Fahrenheit 9/11. Thank you. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–4 Train, 42nd St

Overheard by: Jonny

Conductor: You have yourself a satisfying Thursday.

–F train

Luke…. I Am Your Wednesday-One-Liners

Jappy Teenage daughter: Daddeeee! I want you to get rid of sweat.

–50th & 8th

Overheard by: Lord…

Black woman on cell: I don’t like big, Black, aggressive men. I like light-skinned men, cause I’m Jamaican. I just found out I’m Jamaican like five years ago. My mom told me the guy who I thought was my father is not my real father. But you know, I don’t hold nothing against him. Dude paid child support and shit.

–Queens bound 7 Train

Hoochie with baby: As soon as he came outta me and I saw what color he was, oh no, I knew who his daddy was. But I love the shit outta my son.

–R Train

Little girl: When I don’t want to listen to my dad I just say ‘Talk to the hand!’

–Wooster St & Spring St

Little kid in stroller: Dad, is this us?

–Inside subway car on NYC subway IRT line at 34 thst stop

Overheard by: Steve Grant

Wednesday One-Liners in Whiteface

Extremely large guy: Yo, I’m scared of clowns for reeeaaal.

–Court & Montague, Brooklyn

Mother to young child, after ghetto girl passes: No, honey, she’s not a clown. She just likes to dress that way.

–95th & Madison

Overheard by: Don Ricardo

Mother, watching a clown holding a briefcase walk onto the train: [to child] Look, honey, it’s a funny clown!… [to husband] Do you think he has a bomb in that briefcase?

–F train

Overheard by: and then i burst out laughing.

Wednesday One-Liners Failed Third Grade, Just Like Einstein

Queer: Fuck you! I’m a smart gay!

–23rd & 6th

Overheard by: Keesha Brown

Accidental ironist: Yeah, obviously he has no sense of smartness.

–68th & Lex

Overheard by: Casti

Hipster guy: I erased two years of my life with drugs. Two solid years! But I’m too smart to erase more than that.

–Chinatown bus

Girl on cell: They said that I’m smart, and that I can articulate well. But I’m not… you know… Oh, whatever.

–Queensboro Community College

Overheard by: LizDayglow

Tween boy to dad: I’m looking for a girl who’s younger and smarter.

–71st & West End

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

I Get by with a Little Help from My Wednesday One-Liners

Mom to kid making weird sound: Stop it! That’s how you don’t make friends!

–Grocery Store

Overheard by: beth

Street guy: Yeah man, I remember you now! Sometimes it’s hard separating friends from people.

–West 46th St.

Overheard by: JGL

Drunk guy talking to cop about his drunk friend hiding behind a lightpost: Can you see him? Can you see my friend, fucker? Damn straight you can’t, he’s got his camouflage on bitch.

–1St & 1St

Overheard by: Erik & Sam

Girl on cell: I don’t even have friends!

–14th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: trix b

Hipster girl: I have a friend who went down on a cab driver…Actually, I have two friends who have gone down on cab drivers!

–Upper West Side

Asian nerd #1 to Asian nerd #2: You are by far the most powerful Jew I’ve ever befriended.

–Columbia Campus

Overheard by: double take

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