Little boy: Daddy, Daddy! I’m a pickle!
Father: I’m happy for ya, kid, but I need some coffee.
–Deli, Staten Island
Little boy: Daddy, Daddy! I’m a pickle!
Father: I’m happy for ya, kid, but I need some coffee.
–Deli, Staten Island
40-something: Okay, lemme get two grande black coffees.
Barista: $4.10.
40-something: You know what? Make those ventis.
Barista: $4.44.
40-something: Okay, don’t kill me, but could I get one grande and one venti?
Barista: No.
40-something: What?
Barista: No.
40-something: You know, two ventis is perfect.
–Starbucks, Union Square
Bartender: Every day you have someone who wants to put cheese in their coffee. We try to minimize that kind of thing from happening here.
–Carmine’s, W 44th & 8th
Overheard by: Michele
Guy on cell: Yeah, I’m in one of those pretentious coffee shops… Getting coffee… Yeah, one of the ones where everyone looks like me — beard, glasses… Right.
–Gimme Coffee, Brooklyn
Overheard by: mthy
Three-year-old in stroller: Coffee! Coffee!
–C train, 96th St
Overheard by: Emily
Woman to dog: Daddy likes his coffee hot. And Mommy likes her coffee iced. And you like your coffee in the form of caffeine pills, which you snarfed like candy last night. My god, you were high as a kite.
–Outside Starbucks, Montague St, Brooklyn
Barista: She better not’ve asked me for no chocolate drizzle or I’da kicked her ass!
–Starbucks, Grand Central
Overheard by: Greg
Well-dressed crazy guy to whole train: And I said to her, you the coffee and I’m the biscotti… Why? Because you’re black and hot… and I’m hard and a little nutty.
–A train
Queer to another: Isn’t there a better Starbucks we should be going to?
–Starbucks, 14th near 6th
Barista: Okay, and a name for your cup?
Tourist: What?!
Barista: Name for your cup?
Tourist: Why would I want to name my cup?!
Barista: Just tell me your name.
Tourist: I shouldn’t have to tell you my name — what is your problem? [Turns to friend] My lord, New York is so weird…
–Starbucks, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
Preppy girl with Starbucks cup: That was some shitty-ass coffee.
Preppy guy: Speaking of shitty, Cap’n Nemo’s got nothin’ on me. I shat a white whale in there. It was two feet long and, I’m tellin’ you, it was white! Like, white and one solid length! Took it first try, though. They have good toilets.
–PATH, Christopher St station
Overheard by: Zenana
White guy: A queer Sikh holding a cigarette like a woman and talking about grenades. Now I’ve seen everything. [Pause.] How was the mocha?
Asian friend: It was delicious, thank you.
–Q46 stop, Union Tpke & Utopia Pkwy
Overheard by: Peter G
Water connoisseur: So, how did things go last night with… Ugh… What’s her name? Kate?
Friend: Seriously, dude, it was going so well, but then she did something really f-ing nasty.
Water connoisseur: Whaaa?
Friend: Dude, she put an unfiltered ice cube in my Brita water. She totally tainted the water. Dude, that’s just gross.
Water connoisseur: How do you know she didn’t filter the cubes?
Friend: Dude, you just can’t risk something like that…
–N train
Overheard by: Mikeyy
Stoner dude #1: Dude, I wonder why they call it ‘Starbucks…’ It’s not, like, in the shape of a star.
Stoner dude #2: I don’t know. Let’s leave and get stoned.
Stoner dude #1: I’m up for that.
–Starbucks
Headline by: nicole
Runners-Up:
· “And Don’t Get Me Started On the PuPu Platter” – Dank
· “As heard on the floor of the United States House of Representatives” – Syd O
· “Because ‘Queequeg’s’ Just Didn’t Have The Right Ring To It” – Toon
· “But I’m still waiting for my Mary Jane Macchiato” – Jim C.
· “English Majors in Action” – ed
· “Star-glazing” – timmm
· “Stephen Hawking and Stephen Jay Gould: The Early Years” – Russ Wall
· “That Ahab could have used a spliff” – Kevin
· “The coffee’s for my glaucoma, I swear.” – Dave
Coed #1, pointing at huge stain on her shirt: It’s coffee. I used water to rub it off, but the water made it all wet!
Coed #2: You should have used club soda!
–New School, 13th & 5th
