It Was Just Wishful Thinking

ER admitting doctor with infinite patience: It’s just sore gums, probably from flossing. No need to worry.
Baroness Munchaussen: But it could get infected, right? And I could die, right?
Doctor: Has anyone ever died from this in the history of mankind? Maybe. But you could also walk out of the hospital and be hit by a bus. You have a better chance of that happening.
Baroness: So you’re saying I could die from this, and I shouldn’t leave the hospital?

–St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital Emergency Room

Posted on June 3, 2006
Death, Health and Hygiene, Hospitals, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen

She’s Really Got a Handle on That Death Thing

Girl #1: The worst thing about when your favorite author dies is, you’re never going to get any new books from them.
Girl #2: Yeah!

–Strand, 12th & Broadway

Posted on May 27, 2006
Arts & Letters, Death, Manhattan, Union Square and East Village

He Gets Coupons for Bed, Bath & the Beyond

Old lady on bench #1: When he was alive, no mail. Now that he’s dead, he gets mail every day!
Old lady on bench #2: Nobody cares til you’re dead.

–31st & Ditmars, Astoria

Overheard by: Cathy Albright

Posted on May 14, 2006
Astoria, Death, Old People

She Got Run Over by the Marlboro Man

A little girl is climbing onto an outdoor table, reaching for an ashtray.

Mom: No honey, don’t touch that.
Dad: Yeah, that’s what killed grandma.

–Soda Bar, Brooklyn

Overheard by: this guy

Posted on May 1, 2006
Brooklyn, Dads, Death, Family Ties, Moms, Restaurants & Cafes

I Told Her That I Loved Her But She Still Said No

Man whispering into cell phone: I heard that if you inject enough [mumblemumble]into his bloodstream, in a couple of hours, the coroner can’t tell the cause of death!
…Uh huh, uh huh
…I know, baby, I know.
…Yeah, I know. But baby, will you be my alibi?

–F train

Overheard by: catherinecanfly

Posted on April 30, 2006
Crime and Punishment, Death, On Cell, On the Subway

Just Give It a Minute

Toddler girl #1: Is your camel dead yet?
Toddler girl #2: No. Not yet. Is yours?

–John Jay Park

Posted on April 27, 2006
Death, Manhattan, Should've Used a Condom, Upper East Side

So Did It Work?

Old man: [hiccups] Old lady: I’ll kill you, dead!

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Raychel Tumin

Posted on April 21, 2006
Death, Manhattan, Old People, Union Square and East Village, Violence

As Long as They’re Fresh

Guy: The Bodies thing? Don’t they have dead babies there?
Girl: Hey, dead babies are the best type of babies.

–Diner at 38th & 5th

Overheard by: Jdub

Posted on April 20, 2006
Death, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Restaurants & Cafes

Wednesday One-liners Cook the Afterbirth

Woman on cell: No, I mean, whatever. I cried for that baby when it died and all. Shit! I even went to its funeral and the damn thing wasn’t even born! Who the fuck has a funeral for a baby that wasn’t even born?…Whatever, that’s not the point. The point is, I’m sure as hell not going to a birthday party for a baby whose funeral I went to a year ago. That is fucking morbid…and they had better not be expecting presents.

–14th between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: Laura Mathis

Girl on cell: Wait, was this the eating disorder cousin or the crack dealer cousin?…Oh, she’s having a baby? Wow, I hope it doesn’t die.

–Waverly & University

Asian chick: Like you’ve ever even seen a baby prostitute.

–56th between 5th & 6th

Guy: No, she was four months pregnant when I started dating her. But I certainly did bathe the baby in sperm!

–Hungarian Pastry Shop, Amsterdam Avenue

Girl: I’m not sure, but we are thinking of putting the baby in the closet; it’s small but we can fit a crib in there and keep the door open.

–12th Street & 3rd Avenue

Teen girl: It was the saddest thing ever. It was almost as sad as watching a baby cough.

–F train

Overheard by: drewseph

Chick: Omigod, I totally want an Asian baby. Asians make the best mixers. Like vodka.

–49th & 10th

Overheard by: Uncle Jimmy

Posted on April 12, 2006
Babies, Death, Lower Manhattan, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Street, Women