Drunks

Wednesday One-Liners Are Really Fucking Sorry about Slavery, Okay?

20-ish white girl to friends: Guys, sometimes I just feel like the only white girl in the city…

–Fulton St

Overheard by: other white girls

Hobo peering in from sidewalk: Ain’t nothin’ but white people all up in this motherfucker! This shit is racist, yo!

–Garden of Eden, 107th & Broadway

Overheard by: Bubby

Black girl on cell: He fucked a white girl? He fucked a white girl?! How stupid is he? You know if you fuck a white girl you gotta get her consent and then sign a contract!

–PATH platform

Angry black traveler on cell: Do you know how long it takes me to get to JFK from my place?! I’m surrounded by crackers! I. Do. Not. Want. To. Be. Here. Crackers all starin’ at me… I dunno what they’re lookin’ at.

–JFK

Overheard by: Not A Cracker But Staring Anyway

Old white guy at Cirque du Soleil show, to daughter: Is this primarily a white thing? I guess that’s why I don’t like this show. I’ve got too much soul for this.

–Madison Square Garden

Drunk black lesbian: I am not racist in any way. I believe that it’s something that’s taught and passed down from your parents. I am not a racist… but what’s up with white people?!

–D train

Where Have You Been?

Drunk, to queer: Fag!
Queer: … Dad?

–14th & 8th

Overheard by: Ray

Turns Out She Only Has One Head After All

Lush guy: I didn’t even recognize his sister. She looked a little different.
Lush chick: Because you were sober?
Lush guy: Yeah, that’s it!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Jess McGins

He Means It’s Full of House Music — He Owns a Condo on East 81st

Drunk girl: That is the largest book bag I have ever seen.
Gutter hippie: This isn’t a book bag. This is my house.

–St. Mark’s & 1st Ave

Overheard by: wished i was that drunk

I’m So Proud!

Drunk woman in long fur coat: Oh, you have to be fucking kidding me! I gotta pee!
Tourist: Yeah, we’ve been waiting for a while. [Nods in direction of unattended mop soaking in bucket, and laughs] I mean, you could always use that thing, I guess.
Drunk woman: Okay, alright — just tell me if anyone is coming! [Hikes up coat and begins to pee in bucket.]Tourist: Jesus Christ! I’ve been here one day, and I’m responsible for encouraging public urination.

–Line for restroom, McDonald’s, Times Square

Overheard by: wish i’d thought of that

Raise Your Hand If You’d Like to Attend the Family Reunion

Hot drunk chick #1: Oh my god, your boob just made out with my boob!
Hot drunk chick #2: We’re boob brothers!

–F train

Overheard by: rach

I’m Already Getting More Elf Ass Than I Can Handle

Drunk 40-ish lady: You wanna slide down my chimney tonight?
Hipster in Santa suit: … No.
Drunk 40-ish lady: Kiss me.
Hipster in Santa suit: No… Ma’am.

–Bowery Ballroom

Now Tell Me, How Were Your Areola Expectations Not Met?

Drunk girl: I don’t know. I think I need new nipples.
Bartender: Well, maybe you should show me. I’m a nipple connoisseur.

–Caroline’s, Broadway

Overheard by: not kidding

Their Names Are “Delirium” and “Tremens”

Girl: What’s the deal with New York’s bagels, anyway? I mean, they’re delicious! What do you think New Yorkers do differently to their bagels that makes them so… Oh, look at you! You’re too drunk to keep up with me because I’m speaking so rapidly.
Drunk guy: I’m listening to your rabbits!

–NYU

Overheard by: Evan Regas

… Can I Get Your Number?

Drunk girl: It’s like we’re the same person!
Suit: Except you’re four inches shorter, thirty pounds heavier, and a dumbass!

–Times Square

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